while I'm waiting

The past weeks, Lex has been very VERY naughty, to the brink of being bad. since his 11 year old cousin moved in with us, Lex’s behavior has changed drastically. And I can say it is a big challenge for me as a mom.

My nephew needs some attention from my Mama since he does not have good study habits, and we found out from his teacher that he has been showing some weird behavior in school (more of a manifestation of his emotional pains as a kid, I guess) and my Mama decided that it is best to pay close attention to him. So Mama does what she has always done best when we were kids – she tutors my nephew among other “mommy” chores that she does for all of us at home.

So here comes Lex, who has been so used to all the attention, and he bullies his cousin to no end. Imagine Lex taking his cousin’s slippers and hiding them so his cousin goes barefoot. Then Lex takes his cousin’s glass of water and gulps it down, then runs and laughs out loud. He refuses to share his toys. He even refuses to let the maid cook hotdog for his cousin, because for the longest time, the hotdog has always been solely for Lex.

At first, we just tell his cousin to be patient, since Lex is way younger. But everyday, the two of them would play, then fight, then one of them gets hurt, and when no one is looking, Lex’s cousin becomes impatient and has hurt Lex a few times. Of course, it must have been provoked. So Mama separates them as much as possible.

This week, I took a sick leave and stayed home for 2 days. Lex threw several tantrums and it didn’t even involve his cousin. That’s when I realized that he has really changed. It’s like he wanted to make us really mad all the time! Since I was at home, Mama just sat back and let me take control. At first, I got soooo annoyed, so I raised my voice. No impact. Next, I slapped his butt with my hands. No impact. The “dog threat” works all the time, but it only causes Lex to scream louder. (the “dog threat” – I threaten to I carry him out to the dalmatian who is always barking at him) What works best is when I carry him to the room (sometimes I have to pull him while he’s lying on the floor and screaming – an ugly sight), I let him sit on his chair to cool off. Believe me, it takes a lot of self control to avoid hitting him back (yes, he hits me with those little hands of his, masakit ah!). I imagine all kinds of punishments for him – which can possibly get me to jail – so I just imagine and let it pass… What ultimately works for Lex is the silent treatment and the sharp, killer stare. It’s funny when you get to see us stare at each other, arms folded. Like we’re waiting for a face off. Hehe. When he stops screaming, that’s when i talk to him. I let him look straight into my eyes and tell him how he should behave. When he starts acting up again, I raise my voice and point a finger. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to do. But I have avoided physical punishments as much as I can.

Yesterday, it was a first. Lex was soooo angry that he threw his toys everywhere because i wouldn’t let him sit on MY chair. I mean come on, there are a lot of other chairs, why snatch my chair? So I got fed up, I gave him my chair and took another chair. Accidentally, the chair hit his Lego robot, and he used that as a reason to get really mad. So he picked up what remained of the robot, and threw it at the wall. Which of course irked me, and I gave him the stare. No impact. I picked up the Lego pieces and told him I’d get rid of it. He screamed “NO!!!”, picked up the pieces himself, and threw them everywhere. Some hit me, some didn’t. I got so upset, I carried him to the room and after a few minutes, he calmed down. But as he sat down he closed his fists and screamed, making his whole head turn red. It’s like he wanted to hit me but was holding back. It was… alarming. but he sat down and I turned on the fan (he was all sweaty) and left the room. Then the screams got louder. After a few minutes, I peeped into the room and found him sleeping on the bed. It was around past 5pm, and he slept through the night.

Anyway, I cannot even imagine how I would have to deal with his outbursts when he gets older. My brother was not at home so no one could really “control” him. Although I was able to calm him down this time, well, for how long? When he’s taller than me already, he can just run away and I can’t carry him to the room anymore. Sigh. It is during these times that I wonder how it would have been if his father was around. Will his commanding voice be enough?

But then what is the use of wondering “what if”.

My son is five years old. Getting older by the day, and I have no other choice but to grow with him. since none of us behaved like that as kids, my Mama doesn’t know how to deal with it as well. So it’s another surprise practical exam from God. I hope I get passing grades.

I barely knew my grandfather (my father’s dad). All I know is that he was a World War II veteran, eventually became part of the Philippine Army and retired as an Army Captain. I have learned more about him recently when we were “reunited” with the rest of the Bacani clan, since my uncles have spent a lot of time with him.

One thing I remember about him was that he traveled from Ilocos Sur to Cavite (around 400 plus km., and more than 10 hrs. bus ride) to visit my brother, and that he was the one who was there during my brother’s wedding in my father’s place (we were still not in good terms with my father that time). And during that time, when our family had a crisis, my grandfather GAVE me his bank book so I could withdraw his pension money EVERY MONTH and help us out financially. It was not really a huge amount but he was living off his pensions and he had to give up one of them. I guess, in a way, it is his way of compensating for having a (once) irresponsible son (sorry Papa, you know that’s true hehe).

Anyway, recent events in the family has inspired my cousin to rummage through his mom’s old photos, scanned them and posted them on Facebook. Here, I share some of the photos of my grandfather, the highly respected (but almost forgotten) Capt. Juan Bacani.

My uncle’s comment on FB: “uncle john must be in college here, enrolled at centro escolar also takin dentistry. second year college siya when WWII broke up. he was recruited. lolo hugo and dad just learned about it thru relatives. the next time they saw him was at death march. classic no?”

My uncle’s comment on FB: “i think this is in fort magsaysay, uncle john was assigned in tabak division of the army”

(Written at the back)
Dec. 31, 1966
“Scene was taken in front of Saigon Catholic Cathedral. Jeep is a PHILCAG, one driven by a Sgt. Reyes whom I requested to make the shot. It is in this vicinity where Filipinos by the hundreds meets and stroll especially after Sunday mass. Saigon”

(Written at the back)
Saigon, Vietnam Dec. 21/1967
“To Emy,

Love Daddy”
(Emy is my father’s youngest sister)

With this photo, my father’s cousin, Tito Willie recalled how Lolo Juan showed his concern for the family: “when he was long retired from the service i was asking him to give me his 45cal…this is what he told me (translated from Kapampangan to Tagalog) ‘Loko, nuong galing ako ng Vietnam nag-uwi ako ng baril, kahit gaano pa..di ko inisip na bigyan ko kayo ng baril..ngayon pa!..hindi nyo kailangan ng baril..husto na.. na ako na lang ang humawak ng baril sa mga Bacani’ (When I went back from Vietnam I brought home guns, but even then I didn’t think of giving you one. You do not need it. It is enough that I am last of the Bacani’s to hold a gun.)

(Written at the back)
“Saigon, Vietnam.
Daddy in his rugged attire. This is where I stay and live. Our billet is not seen in picture. It is very cold now. The temperature is 14F. I am wearing a sweater and a leather jacket.”

I may be biased, but hey, my grandfather IS gorgeous, isn’t he?

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Thank you, Lolo Juan, for your memories. And thank you, my uncles and aunts, for sharing his memories with us!

by David Archuleta

I’ve been alone so many nights now
And I’ve been waiting for the stars to fall
I keep holding out for what I don’t know
To be with you
Just to be with you

And when you’re standing here in front of me
That’s when I know that God does exist
‘Cause He will have answered every single prayer
To be with you
Just to be with you

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for you. be safe.

Love, love, love this song, by the Savage Garden. It was included in the soundtrack of the movie, The Other Sister. The song is fun, the movie was fun too. Just in the mood for fun, upbeat music!

Hope you enjoy The Animal Song as much as I do.

Dear God,

Thank You for this month, the fifth year of my “motherhood”, the fifth year of life with my son, Lex. It has been a great month, and hopefully just the beginning of more wonderful months to come. In the meantime, thank You for…

… my little five year old, Lex! Gosh, it has been five years? and he can speak better now. He tells stories with matching sound effects, facial expressions and actions. He’s adorable (of course, I’m the mom) and is so sweet. He can be a pain at times, especially if he wants something we don’t approve of. He can be very VERY stubborn and persistent. But I think it’s God’s way to train me as a parent. Do you know how it is when coaches give you a hard time, just so you develop mental toughness and physical agility? It’s the same way with Lex. He is God’s practical exam. Thank You God, for Lex. I am up for practical exams every day, if it means more memories and precious moments with my baby

… my very patient Mama, who has taken double responsibility over watching Lex and my nephew. thank You, God, for keeping her health, despite some challenges with hypertension recently. I hope she gets to recover and that the kids will behave more so she won’t get too stressed out. She says the kids are a big headache, which also means “I love these kids, I’d be so lonely without them”. Haha!

… friends. Lovely people who I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, without fear of being judged or stereotyped. Friends who I can reach through phone, chat or mental telepathy (kidding – I wish!). How would my world be without them? I’d probably had gone crazy talking to imaginary creatures… hehe

… the possibilities that make me smile throughout the day accompanied by phone calls and messages and God knows what next (see, smiles )

… my job, my extra-curriculars, my books, my CDs, music, and all the things that take up my time…

… technology, especially the Internet, that gives people an opportunity to stay connected

… reliable cellphones! Overseas phone calls and unlimited texts. And the fact that in the Philippines, we don’t get charged for received calls and text messages.

… green-eyed creatures and giant teddy bears

And I can’t think of more because for now, I am most thankful for LOVE.

How much time do we need to spend to know that a person is worth loving?

I have been wondering about this these past days. Actually, I have been wondering about a LOT of things. They are pretty overwhelming and i don’t know if I even want to say what these are exactly.

People set standards for everything. That is to make things more effective and efficient. Imagine having different voltage levels for residential electricity users. If your neighbor borrows your microwave oven and it is rated 110 V, and your neighbor uses 240V, goodluck. Or rather, goodbye microwave. So we have set the residential voltage level to be 110 in the states, and in the Philippines, it’s 220V. That’s why when I was young, I broke some appliances because some were gifts from relatives who came home from the states, and I plugged them directly instead of using a transformer first.

And so, people set standards and people expect you to follow. The standards have expanded to cover even the way we live – what house to buy, what job to take, even our kids’ education, what kind of birthday party to give to our five year old… Then there’s set rules on what kind of man or woman you should choose, otherwise, people would raise their eyebrows and who knows what else they would raise, and it’s like you’re expected to explain or apologize. Imagine, apologizing to your parents for falling in love with a maid, or a security guard. Fall in love with a business tycoon? no problem. Fall in love with a janitor? Goodluck.

So, we have set standards. I myself am guilty of it. What can i do, I grew up with virtual walls in my mind. Anyone more than two years older or younger, is out of the list. Like, if I’m a circuit, I have a +/- 2V tolerance level. Anything beyond that will break the circuit. Anything beyond what I have set for myself will not ‘break’ my life, but it will ‘break’ the ‘image’ I have set for myself. And since I came from the best university in the country, I have unintentionally set another standard – if a man can’t handle the fact that I’m better than him in any aspect, get lost.

Living within the standards is safe. But as they say, anything that will make you feel alive, is outside what is safe. Living within the standard is called existence. Living outside your comfort zone is called life.

Of course I know that. But it’s not what we know, right? It’s what we do.

So I think about all these and I suddenly realize – God doesn’t set standards for loving us. I’m not saying that since He loves us so much, we can all do whatever we want and ignore His teachings. Rather, He loves us regardless, with the intention of helping us have a change of heart and return to Him.

God’s love is just plain crazy. Meaning, we can’t comprehend it at all, so I say it’s crazy. and in life, when we have set all these standards for whatever, God interferes and breaks down all the walls we have set up for ourselves. It is ironic that when I tell myself, “I would never…”, something happens and I end up doing whatever it is I try to avoid. And after that, I realize – it’s not that bad.

So how long do we need to realize that love has come in our midst, and that it is real? The standards say a lot. My standards say maybe a year. Ok, a few months? Heck, a few weeks?

And that is just the “time aspect”. Don’t even ask me about everything else. Suffice it to say, God’s signs of love have shattered every standard I have set. Every single one. Except for the core of the matter – the most important aspects.

Anyway, my colleague have mentioned before, at how we lower our standards to the brink of desperation because we simply do not want to live life alone. It’s scary to think that I would come to that point. I hope I never have to. I hope that my Joseph comes before that happens.

This is actually a revival by Sarah Geronimo. Been listening to it recently.. hmm…nice

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck
With lovers before

And I couldn’t compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over it’s burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

You’re not like the rest
I know you’re one of the best
You give more than you should
And take nothing in return

Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on
Always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over it’s burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

We celebrated Lex’s fifth birthday yesterday, July 17. It’s been five years already? It seemed like it was just yesterday when I had my caesarian section that is similar to this video.

ready to blow the candle - after playing outside

Anyway, I am thankful for the five years, and the nine months prior to that. I never imagined how it would be after Lex’s birth. all I knew was I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

I am really grateful to God for Lex’s life – it has somehow “forced” me to see beyond myself and actually live and look forward to the future. I am amazed at how Lex is turning out. He is really eager to learn more in school, and everywhere else (sometimes it can be annoying), and he has become so sweet that it’s easy to forgive him when he’s all naughty and bad.

His fifth birthday celebration went out really well, considering that this inexperienced mom didn’t prepare well for it (hehe). We cooked the usual birthday food – spaghetti, hotdogs, chicken, lumpiang shanghai, and the birthday treats – cake and ice cream! then my collague came by with her family, and as promised, she hosted some games for the kids, who really had fun.

Lex enjoyed all his gifts, and is more sociable now, so he was really game with the pictures, and he greeted each visitor that came by, and he said goodbye as they left. And I think he really enjoyed all the attention.

Lex’s dad called up in the afternoon to greet him. I handed the phone to Lex, who only said ‘hello’, then shoved the phone away. Unfortunately, I had to listen to his dad sing ‘happy birthday’, hahaha. As always, he ‘promised’ to take Lex out the ‘next time’ he’s ‘available’.

Anyway, the night ended with left over spaghetti and cake that will last us for several days, depending on our appetite hehe. Today, I will be taking Lex out for Timezone and maybe a movie if he feels like it, and to get him his new clothes, care of the father who is now in far away Basilan.

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I am glad to note that this year is unfolding with a lot of surprises and new things – VERY new things, that leaves me awed and excited at the same time. I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I know that several little choices can lead to something really wonderful – something I have always prayed for, hoped for, longed for. And as they say, nothing of value is easy. So while chasing this new dream may be VERY inconvenient, emotionally draining and unsure, I think the risk is worth it. Besides, in a blink of an eye, Lex will be 15, and I, 40. Gosh, I would have liked to have done something really significant in between!

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Most of the single moms I knew, who eventually found their current husbands, started seriously dating again after their kids turned five. And now I’m wondering, is it my time as well?

Haha, well, we never know.

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All in all, I am looking forward to more birthday celebrations for Lex.

Thank you for coming over: my good friend Meong and his wonderful family Heide and Ivy, Ms. Lorie (from Lex’s school), my cousin Irene, the neighborhood kids Niel, Mikey and sister, and Ian, UPSCAns Margie, Louise and Nanette with little Lina, my colleagues Atty. Grace and her family, Arvin, Thea and Julian, the ‘late’ Laiza (hehe kidding, she was late), and of course my big bro Cris and his son Grendel. And always grateful for my Mama and our kasambahay, Dedeng.

Thank You, Lord, for these angels in our lives!

My all-time favorite. It seems that today is a good time to sing it

by Savage Garden

I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
‘Coz I’m counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.
yeah

I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I’ll love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do…

Do you ever wonder why a wake becomes a family reunion, when in fact you have attempted to invite family for gatherings – weddings, birthdays, baptisms, etc. – and they never come. When someone dies, everyone comes.

Anyway, this time, it was our turn to show up. See, my siblings and I never met our father’s side of the family when we were growing up. I’m not sure why, but maybe because we spent 8 years in Davao and by the time we went back to Luzon, my father didn’t give much thought about introducing us to the rest of the family.

My uncle found me on Facebook. Can you believe it? And I was thrilled to see people who I share my family name with. Finally, I belong somewhere! So just last month we met them in a family gathering and I was overwhelmed at all my cousins – there were a lot of them I couldn’t remember their names.

Then my grand aunt passed away, and it was an opportunity to meet them again. What was amazing to me was – the wake and the funeral was the most peaceful and “happy” one I’ve been. My uncles and aunt were not exactly sad, but they were emotional when they reminisced about how wonderful their mother was. And it was a blessing to a lot of us. To get a glimpse of the life this woman lived – for her family. hearing the eulogy that my aunt prepared gave me an idea of how mothers and wives should be. And even if I’m practically a stranger in that wake (because I barely know them – we just met a month ago!), I felt like somehow, I have found a family to emulate. That somehow, if Lexx asks me how a normal family looks like, I can tell him about my uncles’ family and he will understand what I mean.

That night was special for me because after a long time, my brothers and I were able to spend a few hours with my father and the rest of the family. There were no long talks or whatever. Mostly there were just hi’s hello’s how are you’s. But it was enough.

I can’t exactly describe the feeling, but it was like meeting people for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them all your life. It didn’t feel weird for me to stay with them the whole day.

Maybe it’s because as far as I know, we didn’t owe them, and they didn’t owe us, anything. So the feeling was light. Unlike with my other family, it feels odd living with them, because we owe them a lot. I’m not being ungrateful. Just that I didn’t feel too welcome because I was an added burden. Which I’m probably not, but that’s how I felt at that time.

Anyway, my point is, I am glad. My Lex wouldn’t be missing out too much on not “belonging” to his father’s family (it’s a relief for me), because just with my mother’s and father’s sides of the family – he can already say he’s got enough love.

Bacani Family

with my Papa and Kuyas

blessed with 2 nuns, a pastor and a bishop in the family

*thanks, Tito Mon, for the photos