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A recent conversation with someone rocked my boat for a while. I have always thought (believed) that my being a single parent is not a basis of my worth as a person, and that my son can grow up normally despite the absence of a father. His biological father is alive and well, but he is not taking full responsibility. A few thousand pesos a month sums up his being a father, and maybe, someday, he will be proud of himself for “providing” something to his son other than half my son’s DNA. Anyway, despite the disappointment, I do try to be patient with the father, and I keep praying that he get married soon and have lots of kids with his wife just so he would know how it really feels to be a parent.

See, I still feel this resentment towards the father of my son because HE decided to leave, and forced me to become a single parent. It’s different from women choosing to be single moms. I did not choose this, it was dumped on my shoulders, along with the humiliation that comes with the status. And until now, even if I say I have forgiven him, I still feel bad on why I should be the only one that is responsible for everything. We were supposed to discuss Lex’s education, and until now, he still “does not have time because he’s too busy”.

So, setting aside the (non) father, I was comfortable with the thought that “mommy is enough”. Then that disturbing conversation made me think hard and question myself:
- am I really enough for my son?
- will he have a solid future with just me?
- should I “provide” a father for my son?

Then I started doubting myself:
- am I really a person worth loving?
- is my single parent status preventing me to make the most out of my life?
- do men avoid being good friends with me for the fear of leading me on, and for the fear that I might take advantage of them?
- is it better if I stay away from guys to avoid being judged?
- should I stay single by choice, even if someone does come along, just to prove to people that I am independent and I do not need somebody else’s help to raise my child?
- do I really have to prove anything to anyone?

I cried the entire night because I felt so worthless, and I feared for my son. I looked up the net for resources on “fatherless children” and all I got were statistics that said “fatherless children are more likely to do drugs, alcohol, criminal acts, etc. etc.” Studies showed that single parent households produced children that eventually became society’s problem. How would you expect me to feel? I thought to myself, why hadn’t I aborted that baby before? I simply felt bad. I thought I was over this.

So I continued looking, and found an article written by a successful man who grew up fatherless. And it was a good thing I came across that site. It assured me that it is not bad for single parents to remain single while raising children. And that not having a father is not at all basis for a child’s criminal behavior in the future.

I have always made friends with guys in the past, but now, I seemed to have developed an interest in getting to know men who have lost their fathers either through death, separation or were simply abandoned while they were young. My reason? I want to know their thoughts, see their hearts and understand them, so I know how to deal with my son when he grows older. There is one particular person I would like to get to know more, because he was raised by a single mother, and he is now very successful. But I don’t know how to do that yet, so maybe I’ll go through blogs while I muster the courage to talk to this person.

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I still feel a bit upset about my situation (gosh I have to deal with this my entire life!), but I guess it’s a good thing for me to be figuratively slapped on the face once in a while. the world is cruel, and single moms like me should stay in their place, and that is with their children, and not out there looking for replacement fathers. As my good friend Bri commented earlier, if someone wants to be part of my life, then he would have to find a way. I do not want to sound desperate, but I do hope he doesn’t get lost.

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and before my son gets upset (someday he might read this blog), that abortion thing crossed my mind, but I know that I would never have the guts to do it. I know that single parents like me will eventually be forgiven and accepted by society, but abortionists will be haunted by that one mistake forever. So Lex, don’t worry. I love you. you are my precious jewel.

My son will be turning five this year, and I will be 30. Fast forward – he will be 10 and I, 35. Super fast forward – he will be 20, and I, 45. I wonder how our lives will be then?

Since Lex turned 6 months old, we were “on our own”. And I picked up the pieces of my broken dreams and tried to plan our lives as just me and Lex, and my Mama. See, my Mama came back to live with me when I became a single parent.

But I know that my Mama will have to live her own life too, and eventually, it will be just me and Lex. Sometimes, I hope for that special someone to come in our lives and have a complete family so Lex will not have to go through a difficult childhood. But most times, when I hear horror stories of marriages breaking and children being abused by step parents, I become thankful of my status and I sort of psych myself that I should never – ever get married. And of course, I should not make the same irresponsible mistake of getting pregnant again.

So how has it been for me as a single parent? I get the best of both worlds, I guess. I get to spend time with my son, and I don’t have to “share” him with in-laws. Ahh, and the best part – no in-laws to deal with. No one to judge me that I’m a worthless mother. No one to tell my son that “your mom isn’t taking care of you, see, you’re sick again!”. No one to tell me how to discipline my son, where to send him to school, what clothes to buy for him. And most of all, no one to judge me for not working hard enough to buy my son toys and fancy stuff. (If I have in-laws like that, I’ll make sure their son is terrorized the same way by my parents, hmp!)

I get to go out with friends, I get to choose what hobbies to pursue. And no one tells me not to go with such and such because he is getting jealous. Haha!

The downside – people judge me. Sure they say “oh, I admire you for your strength”, “oh you are so strong”, etc. etc. Well, I do appreciate those, if they mean to encourage me. But I know that people, men in particular, look down on my status because I am a single parent. And if you are a guy, you know that you do not want to date someone like me. Someone who could become financially dependent on you, someone who could be passing on the responsibility to you, someone who have issues from the past that you have to deal with too. And that’s what keeps me from trusting people. Because I know they are trying to be kind and polite, but I also know that one little mistake and I’m done. I would be that single mom who messed up. And I would have to worry about my son, that he will have to grow up and find out how miserable I am.

But am I really miserable? Will I be dependent on a man to raise my son? Will I marry for money? Most women do. Maybe I can. But I’d rather not. Because simply, I wasn’t raised that way.

Single parenthood has taught me to be strong, to stand up for myself, and to redeem my self worth by fighting. I still need to learn how not to cry, but I hope the time will come when I can face “them” and I don’t have to feel weak and worthless anymore.

Single parenthood has taught me to be more compassionate and considerate of others. It has also taught me to not depend on others for everything. I know I do need help, but there are responsibilities that are non-negotiable and non-transferable, one of which is raising my son.

Single parenthood has taught me to find ways to make sure we don’t just get by, but that we can have a real future to look forward to. I have learned not to depend on other people’s decisions, to wait for help to come. I have learned that it is the simple joys of having a child that makes all the pain so worth it.

While I have all the personal insecurities, I also fear for my son. I have met people who grew up without a father and they claim that life would have been better for them if their father was around. I have met one very successful person who I assume grew up without a father, but I have yet to know if his success is for real, or just a facade. I do hope it is for real, and that he does not feel incomplete. Then maybe, just maybe, it is possible for Lex to grow up with just his mother, and not have that gaping hole in his heart.

Well, just for your info, Lex’s dad is still alive (sometimes I hope not for long – I know – BAD!), but just like the others out there, he lives conveniently knowing that his son is taken cared of, and that I am capable of raising him without help. He does give “support”, if you can call an amount half my monthly tax as one. But anyway, it is hard to force a man to give what he is not willing to, so fine. Single parenthood has taught me to accept whatever “blessing” came my way, and that includes that monthly “allowance” for Lex.

So after too much ranting, I know in the end I have to be thankful for having a very convenient life of not having to answer for anyone but my God, my Mama and my son. And they all love me much much more than I deserve.

Sabi nila, ang mga tao na dumarating sa buhay natin ay may panahon – kung kelan darating at kung kelan aalis. Ang iba, di nama talaga umaalis, pero parang ganun na rin, nawawala sila at pakiramdam mo, nag iisa ka na lang.

Pinag iisipan ko kung dapat pa ba na mag paalam ako, o dapat palipasin ko na lang ang panahon na di sya kinakausap, hanggang sa masanay na ako. Hmm. Tutal, kapag nasa malayo ang isang kaibigan, madali na silang kalimutan, kung may mga kaibigan naman ako dito.

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Nakausap ko ang isang lalaki na matagal ko na rin naging kaibigan. Hindi sya Pilipino, at sa isang madibdibang diskusyon, kinwento nya sa akin na minsan, natatakot sya na baka raw gusto ko syang pakasalan para makarating ako sa kanyang bansa, tulad ng maraming Pilipina doon. Nagpaliwanag naman sya na alam nyang hindi ako ganun, pero dahil sa ako ay dalagang ina at ako’y bata pa, malaki ang probability na ganun na rin yun. Syempre uminit ang ulo ko, dahil umpisa pa lang, sinabi ko na sa kanya na nakikipag kaibigan lamang ako at kung anuman ang mangyari, ay di yun dahil sa interesado ako sa pag migrate. Hayy! Naloka ako. Naisip ko na sadyang ganun na ang imahe ng mga Pilipina, na kahit disenteng tao ka, at di ka naman interesado sa mga ganung benepisyo, eh pag-iisipan ka pa rin ng masama.

Sa inis ko, sinabi ko sa kanya na kung di lang sa pagiging makabayan ko, dapat matagal na akong naninirahan sa bansa nila bilang isang propesyonal. Hmp. Sya nga di pa nakatapos ng kolehiyo eh. Hmp! Pero ayun, nagpaliwanag sya na hindi ganun ang tingin nya sa akin, at ang kanyang takot ay para ring takot sa multo – walang basehan.

Di ko alam kung ano pa dapat ang isipin ko, pero sa aming pag uusap, napag tanto ko na kahit sino at kahit saan pa, iisa lang ang iniiisip ng mga lalaki – na ang tulad kong dalagang ina ay hindi karapat dapat sa kanila.

Nadagdagan nanaman tuloy ang mababang tingin ko sa aking sarili. Nakakainis. Minsan gusto kong magalit sa anak ko – kasi naman bakit pa sya dumating. Pero syempre binabawi ko naman agad yun at humihingi ako ng tawad sa Dyos.

Nakakainis lang na isiping pagkatapos kong umasa na siguro di naman lahat ng lalaki mababa ang tingin sa mga tulad ko – eh napatunayan kong hindi totoo yun. Sabagay, kapag binata na ang anak ko, gugustuhin ko ba naman ng manugang na disgrasyada? Syempre hindi! Ayoko nga mag asawa ang anak ko eh. Sana mag pari na lang sya.

Pero sa totoo lang, nakakasawa na rin magpanggap na ok lang ako. di naman talaga ako desperado, pero nakakalungkot lang din na mapag isipan ka na naghahanap ka lang ng mapapangasawa kasi kelangan mo ng tutulong at mag papaaral ng anak mo. Kainis.

Naisip ko tuloy, siguro nga, mas mabuti na talagang tigilan ko na ang pagiilusyon na may darating pa. Alam ko na naman ang reaksyon ng mga tao pag nangyari yun. Nakita ko na ang lahat nang iyon sa aking kapatid na nag asawa ng babaeng may anak na. Tinanggap naman namin sila, pero iba pa rin kapag sabi nila ay “walang bagahe”.

Kaya pala may mga dalagang ina na kahit gano kaganda, gano kayaman, gano kabuti, di na nag aasawa. Kasi lahat ng pinaghirapan nila, hindi rin pahahalagahan, dahil sa kanilang (aming) estado.

Sige, tatanggapin ko na. Tutal, nakarami na ako ng nobyo. Pwede na yun. Haha. Mas masaya namang kasama ang aking anak. At pag makulit sya, pwede kong paluin, takutin at paiyakin. At di nya ko iiwan. Sana.

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Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko pa ring kausapin ang aking naging kaibigan na iyon. Sa tinagal tagal na magkakilala kami, sinubukan ko talagang gawing maayos ang pakikitungo sa kanya para maayos naman kahit papano ang imahe ng mga Pilipina sa paningin ng mga taga ibang bansa. Pero sadyang ganun, mahirap nga sigurong baguhin ang nakasanayan na. At sanay na tayong maliitin nila. Nakakalungkot lang.

If you want to go on a roller coaster ride for as low as PhP 7.00, all you need to do is take a jeepney ride from Marikina Bayan to Concepcion. Make sure you choose the jeepney that has a lot of decorations on the front, and plays extremely loud music.Yes, the ones who have a “conductor” seated beside the driver and shouts “o sakay na, sakay na, maluwag pa, konting ipit lang dyan, sampuan yan!!!”

the amazing thing is, regardless of the passengers’ physical size, the seating capacity is constant. So if there are five obese people seated on one side and has already taken all the space, the conductor and driver will insist that the seating capacity is for 10 people and will force the passengers to squeeze themselves to create more space. Some “big” passengers are kind enough to pay double the fare just so they wouldn’t be inconvenienced. Unfortunately for me, since I am petite, I have always become a “filler” when I am desperate to get a ride. You can imagine me squeezing my tiny butt between big passengers and a space on the seat magically appears. Ah, thank God for slim people like me. There are times when I wonder whether big and/or obese people feel bad about taking too much space in passenger vehicles. I don’t want to sound discriminating, but that’s my experience.

Anyway, these jeepneys run like the driver is immortal. They would swerve and over take, and would do so even if the car on the opposite lane is already 100 meters ahead. Man, only in the Philippines would you see jeepneys act like they’re drag racing. I would hold on to the rail, pray to God while cussing under my breath when the driver turns the stirring wheel left and right like he’s playing in the arcade. My typical roller coaster jeepney ride prayer would go like this:

“Oh, dear God, (put….na!), sorry po, sorry po, please keep us safe (p*cha!!!). God, sorry po ulit. Turuan mo po ng leksyon tong lechecng driver na to. Pero wag po muna ngayon, pag nakababa na po ako…”

You wouldn’t believe how these jeepney drivers manage not to kill their passengers of heart attack. I don’t think these drivers passed an exam to get their license, since you can pay for a driver’s license even if you are not capable of driving. Sigh. such is the sad state of our Land Transportation Office.

I’m sure that when these jeepneys go into accidents, all the drivers could say is “I’m sorry…”, and you have no other choice but to pay for all your hospital and funeral bills. Darn.

But then again, since I have no car, I will have to take roller coaster rides often.

The past weekend has been so hectic. But after the month has officially passed, messages from my mentor made me think: how would my life be right now if I decided not to take this path?

It has been a few years since I met a couple of entrepreneurs and we ventured into business together. That was actually a bad time for me because exactly 2 weeks after, my son’s dad broke off our relationship and I was devastated. It took me a few months to come back and continue.

Now, a few years and a lot of new friends later, I am close to complete healing, and eventhough at times I feel miserable about my current status, I no longer feel as bad as before. And I don’t know if I could be this positive and happy if those guys have not crossed my path.

They say that there are no accidents, and everything happens for a reason. And that friends are angels that God sends our way, to help us and change us.

Thanks Panda Warriors! Looking forward to more years together as a team and a family.

The Pandas at the Warriors Team building in Tagaytay

my favorite panda

composed and sung by Vienna Teng

I found this song in my good friend’s blog, and I can’t help but blog about it as well. Its music is so relaxing, refreshing. And by the end of the song, I am teary eyed. (ok, I cry over Johnson&Johnson commercials so that’s how sentimental I am)

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

everything’s fine in the morning
the rain’ll be gone in the morning
but I’ll still be here in the morning

When I listen to this song, I picture Lex and how he snuggles close to me at night. There are times that he stands up in the middle of the night and feels his way in the dark, and he would rest his head on my stomach or my chest. It becomes uncomfortable for me, but I can only imagine how comforting it is for him to be close to his mommy.

When I listen to this song, I also remember how it was for me. I am the youngest child in the family, and by the time I was about to go to highschool, my brothers are in college, living far in the city. I would sleep alone in my room and I wake up in the middle of the night and knock on my parents’ room, where I would end up sleeping, in between my mom and dad. Yes, this went on until I was 15. My parents split up when I was 16 and I shared the bed with my mom when my dad left the house. I was a teenager, and I should already be a “big girl”, but you know, sleeping beside my parents has always been comforting to me.

So, listening to this song brings tears to my eyes for a lot of reasons – the past, the present, and maybe the future, when I will be blessed with another child (who knows?), or if it is my son’s turn to be a parent.

In the meantime, I will cherish the moments that my son sleeps close and find that with mommy, everything will be alright.

Last Saturday, while my teammates and I were walking out of Fort Santiago after the Nutrilite walkatour, Mark and I noticed a couple in front of us. They were holding hands like young lovers. And they were a bit old. Well, not too old, but way older than us. Mark nudged me, and I understood what he meant. “Ang sweet, no?”, he chided. And I smiled, yes, it is sweet.

Seeing old couples hold hands in public, and make loving gestures always make me smile. And I wonder, will I have that kind of love story?

I’ve watched the Pixar movie “Up” twice, and have seen its clips shown in other venues. It never fails to make me emotional. Particularly this scene where Carl looks at Ellie’s adventure book, and realized that the part he never opens because of the fear of finding it empty, was actually filled of photos – memories of the two of them living life together.

When I was in my early twenties, I wanted to be a mother already. It was probably a mistake, because I was very specific in what I wanted – to be a mother. Since God is a faithful God, He granted my wish. Although I was in love at that time, I never really asked for a husband. I wished for one, but I didn’t actually pray for one. Funny how things work out.

So I guess, this time, I have to be specific with what I want, again. This time, I want to have a real, secure, happy family. A family where I am a wife and a mother at the same time. And I want a love story that never ends, not even in death. (I just don’t want to be the one to be left behind). Now I wonder if anyone would still want to have that adventure with someone like me?

Carl and Ellie\'s adventure

I like listening to music while working. and I do sing out loud while working, that is if I do not need to really think hard and write some serious stuff. And I realized I’ve been singing the whole afternoon. Hehehe. I wish all work days are just as (mentally) relaxing. Of course, my back will still hurt at the end of the day. But at least I’m smiling.

Dear God,

Thank You for this new year, and for all the blessings you have showered us for the first 2 weeks of 2010:

- our family’s health. Lex hasn’t gotten infected with the chicken pox virus (yet), and we are glad. I haven’t gotten the usual monthly fevers (yet). And Mama is “healthy as a horse”

- our family business, it’s getting more and more exciting!

- my team. I love hanging out with them. Most importantly, I am excited in building my future with them.

- mentors. Brilliant ones, here and all over the world.

- choices. options. possibilities. opportunities.

- mistakes. pain. lessons.

- forgiveness. understanding. acceptance. love.

Thank You, God, for creating me. And for making me, me. I don’t want to seem vain or narcissistic, but I do love myself. and I believe people who do not love themselves are not accepting God’s gift of “you”. Thank You, God, for helping me see myself worthy. For helping me forgive myself, and lessen that self-nagging that I torture myself with most times. Thank You, for living in me, through me, with me.

Half the month and the blessings are already overwhelming.

An abundant 2010 to all.

Last weekend, I was a full time Mommy at home since the maid got sick and went to stay with her relatives, and Mama had a seminar at church. The whole two days as not exactly refreshing, since I did a lot of house chores I haven’t done in months. But it was a nice time with Lex.

We started off by doing the laundry. Lex was excited when I said we are gonna wash the clothes. “Mommy, let’s go! Let’s laba na! (let’s do the laundry!)”. So I carried the pile of clothes at the laundry area and separated the light colored clothes from the dark ones. He immediately started sorting too. It was an amusing sight.

Then while I filled the washing machine with water, he just stood there and watched the water rise. I rinsed the clothes before placing them in the machine, so Lex kept on bugging me “Mommy, enough water na?” until I turned off the hose.

Doing the laundry with Lex turned out to be enjoyable. He liked dipping his hands in the water and imitated me when I handwashed some of the clothes. He also gave his owl stuffed toy (which he fondly calls “Pussycat owl” or “Pussy” ) a bath. (don’t ask me where he got that name)

Anyway, I’m glad Lex ate lunch and dinner the entire weekend. I think he likes having Mommy for company.

I am looking forward to more days like that one. But that won’t be anytime soon.

Someday. Promise.