zahflo.com

2006

I drift, I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I’m helpless, I’m yearning
I’m like the putty in your hands

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I’m falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I’ve been waiting for you
Waiting for you

The Pandas with Coach Ali - 2009

A lot of people are lonely despite all the conveniences of life – cellphones, cable TV, internet, microwave ovens, instant meals. Sometimes I wonder why?

Thinking about the past few weeks, I realized that I have only talked to one person about my thoughts. One person. I have more than a hundred “friends” in Facebook. I have three hundred contacts in Friendster. My phonebook has a capacity of 200 names, and my email address book probably has over 80 names. And I get to talk and be real with one person – my colleague and “seatmate”. And most times we talk about our frustrations with men. I can’t really talk to her about parenting and my worries and fears as a mother because she’s single.

Now when I think about it, people long for communication. Not just the usual “how are you – I’m ok, you?” conversation. It’s frustrating when people give me one liners for an answer to a specific question.

Communication – it’s convenient to do that with the technology that we have. But it’s not about the convenience, but being real about your feelings, and actually having the courage to share it to someone, and to have the heart to listen.

Most times, I find myself holding back even if I feel the need to talk, because people are busy, and taking time off their personal schedule isn’t something people are willing to give. So some resort to blogs. Which is better than suicide, drugs and meaningless conversations on chatrooms.

Right now, I feel tired. I have a lot of things I should be doing, but I just want to drop everything and lie down under the clear blue sky and cry. I want …

I just want to talk to someone who gets it.

Music and song lyrics have such a big effect on me every time. And this season, my newest favorite is Corrine May, a Singaporean singer song writer based in LA.

All I can say is – wow. I mean come on, this is what music is about! I’ve been hearing a lot of new artists on the radio where all they talk about is sex, “love” (which has become another term for sex), bitterness and nonesense. And listening to Corrine May’s music has become a great break from the negatives out there. Can you believe song albums now have the word “sex” int its titles? Well, I do like sex as long as I’m the one doing it (hehe) but for it to be easily accessible to anyone of any age, I don’t know.

So anyway, this refreshing music had me smiling for two days now. I am glad that I share the same faith with Corrinne May, so I can relate to every song she wrote and performed. I highly suggest you check out her work.

Of course, I’m gonna give you a sampling of her music. These are some of my favorites (well, turns out all are my favorites, woohoo):

Save Me – the beat just makes me wanna sing out loud!

On the Side of Me – this is now officially “my song”

Angel in Disguise – oh gosh, love this one! For the angels in my life, I think this one deserves a separate blog entry.

Everything in its Time – ah, another reminder for me to never lose faith

Fly Away – soo emotional. It’s about letting go of someone very dear to you. Tearjerker.

If I Kissed You – hah. I would like to dedicate this song to my favorite guy. Wahaha! It’s a fun song for someone you’re crushing on haha.

All that I Need – ah, when I heard this, all I can say is. AMEN.

Scars – “cut away all within me that won’t bear fruit”, what more can i say?

If You Didn’t Love Me – Corrinne May’s winning piece (the musical arrangement, not the lyrics). I think I’m gonna suggest this song for a dear friend’s wedding. Sooo touching.

I hope her music will inspire you as much as it has inspired me! Gotta get that guitar string and start playing again! Whoops, but i cannot find guitar chords of Corrinne May’s songs. Help?

Last Saturday, I was having lunch with my favorite panda, and he asked me whether I experienced waking up in the middle of the night and felt that I couldn’t move my body. I told him yes, it happened to me a lot of times. Then we started comparing experiences about having nightmares and waking up feeling like there’s an invisible body pinning me down, and the only way for me to really wake up is to move my big toe. The odd thing is, I am aware in my mind that I am having a nightmare, and that I should move my big toe. There were times that I would be having nightmares and in my dream, I would start to pray, but I couldn’t! Like my tongue is tied and it’s hard to say “Jesus”. But when I am able to say the Lord’s name, I would suddenly wake up ann no one is pinning me down.

Yes, prayer works against nightmares, at least for me.

Several times in the past months, my Mama would wake me up and tell me I’ve been talking in my sleep. I wonder whether the people who die in their sleep were having nightmares and died because no one would wake them up?

Then my friend shared his experience when he was little,  he called out for his daddy when he woke up from a bad dream, and he remembers vividly that he woke up in the morning with his dad beside him.

Anyway, the conversation about nightmares reminded me of the nice song I blogged about and how comforting it is to have someone “save” you from your nightmares. How I wish I could just be like that little child all the time and have someone with me all the time, so I could sleep peacefully without fear.

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Two nights ago, I dreamed of my grandparents and the grandmother who used to be my roommate. It was a weird dream (as usual), where Mama and I were in the room, and someone knocked on the door. When I opened, standing there were my grandparents. They came in one by one and sort of “crossed over” on the wall. It was so weird. I do not remember seeing my Mama’s parents, I just knew it was them. But I did see vividly, my Papa’s dad, Lolo Juan. He was younger and his face was peaceful and happy. Then I started to cry, I apologized for not visiting before he died, and he just held my face in his hands and smiled. Then he “crossed over”.

Then we walked out the bedroom, and we saw Lola sleeping on her rocking chair. Then I woke her up and told her that she needs to “cross over”. So she walked to the room, then before crossing over, she kissed me on the cheeks, hugged me and told me to be good. Then she was gone. With that, my dream shifted to a family reunion setting on the beach.

Anyway, with the weirdness of it all, I am reminded to pray for my grandparents. I’m just glad they were not mad at me.

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As soon as I wake up after dreaming, I thank God for opening my eyes to face another day. Alive.

Yeah yeah, Valentines Day has become commercialized, etc, etc, but anyway, it’s a good excuse for us to be more expressive of our feelings towards people we do love. So in my case, the first on the list is my son Lex, and my Mama. Then next are my brothers and my Papa. Although deep inside, of course, I do have someone in mind, but well, let’s just say, I’m not sure if I’m the someone in his mind (eherm…). Haha, so let me just share the love through photos… (ok so my netbook has a limited stock of photos. will post another set later then)

photo taken around 3 years ago, family outing

one of my favorite photos, Lex at 3 months (I think)

love this team

Lex with my bro

my best friend, and he's engaged! (congrats, Hal!)

friends

A recent conversation with someone rocked my boat for a while. I have always thought (believed) that my being a single parent is not a basis of my worth as a person, and that my son can grow up normally despite the absence of a father. His biological father is alive and well, but he is not taking full responsibility. A few thousand pesos a month sums up his being a father, and maybe, someday, he will be proud of himself for “providing” something to his son other than half my son’s DNA. Anyway, despite the disappointment, I do try to be patient with the father, and I keep praying that he get married soon and have lots of kids with his wife just so he would know how it really feels to be a parent.

See, I still feel this resentment towards the father of my son because HE decided to leave, and forced me to become a single parent. It’s different from women choosing to be single moms. I did not choose this, it was dumped on my shoulders, along with the humiliation that comes with the status. And until now, even if I say I have forgiven him, I still feel bad on why I should be the only one that is responsible for everything. We were supposed to discuss Lex’s education, and until now, he still “does not have time because he’s too busy”.

So, setting aside the (non) father, I was comfortable with the thought that “mommy is enough”. Then that disturbing conversation made me think hard and question myself:
- am I really enough for my son?
- will he have a solid future with just me?
- should I “provide” a father for my son?

Then I started doubting myself:
- am I really a person worth loving?
- is my single parent status preventing me to make the most out of my life?
- do men avoid being good friends with me for the fear of leading me on, and for the fear that I might take advantage of them?
- is it better if I stay away from guys to avoid being judged?
- should I stay single by choice, even if someone does come along, just to prove to people that I am independent and I do not need somebody else’s help to raise my child?
- do I really have to prove anything to anyone?

I cried the entire night because I felt so worthless, and I feared for my son. I looked up the net for resources on “fatherless children” and all I got were statistics that said “fatherless children are more likely to do drugs, alcohol, criminal acts, etc. etc.” Studies showed that single parent households produced children that eventually became society’s problem. How would you expect me to feel? I thought to myself, why hadn’t I aborted that baby before? I simply felt bad. I thought I was over this.

So I continued looking, and found an article written by a successful man who grew up fatherless. And it was a good thing I came across that site. It assured me that it is not bad for single parents to remain single while raising children. And that not having a father is not at all basis for a child’s criminal behavior in the future.

I have always made friends with guys in the past, but now, I seemed to have developed an interest in getting to know men who have lost their fathers either through death, separation or were simply abandoned while they were young. My reason? I want to know their thoughts, see their hearts and understand them, so I know how to deal with my son when he grows older. There is one particular person I would like to get to know more, because he was raised by a single mother, and he is now very successful. But I don’t know how to do that yet, so maybe I’ll go through blogs while I muster the courage to talk to this person.

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I still feel a bit upset about my situation (gosh I have to deal with this my entire life!), but I guess it’s a good thing for me to be figuratively slapped on the face once in a while. the world is cruel, and single moms like me should stay in their place, and that is with their children, and not out there looking for replacement fathers. As my good friend Bri commented earlier, if someone wants to be part of my life, then he would have to find a way. I do not want to sound desperate, but I do hope he doesn’t get lost.

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and before my son gets upset (someday he might read this blog), that abortion thing crossed my mind, but I know that I would never have the guts to do it. I know that single parents like me will eventually be forgiven and accepted by society, but abortionists will be haunted by that one mistake forever. So Lex, don’t worry. I love you. you are my precious jewel.

My son will be turning five this year, and I will be 30. Fast forward – he will be 10 and I, 35. Super fast forward – he will be 20, and I, 45. I wonder how our lives will be then?

Since Lex turned 6 months old, we were “on our own”. And I picked up the pieces of my broken dreams and tried to plan our lives as just me and Lex, and my Mama. See, my Mama came back to live with me when I became a single parent.

But I know that my Mama will have to live her own life too, and eventually, it will be just me and Lex. Sometimes, I hope for that special someone to come in our lives and have a complete family so Lex will not have to go through a difficult childhood. But most times, when I hear horror stories of marriages breaking and children being abused by step parents, I become thankful of my status and I sort of psych myself that I should never – ever get married. And of course, I should not make the same irresponsible mistake of getting pregnant again.

So how has it been for me as a single parent? I get the best of both worlds, I guess. I get to spend time with my son, and I don’t have to “share” him with in-laws. Ahh, and the best part – no in-laws to deal with. No one to judge me that I’m a worthless mother. No one to tell my son that “your mom isn’t taking care of you, see, you’re sick again!”. No one to tell me how to discipline my son, where to send him to school, what clothes to buy for him. And most of all, no one to judge me for not working hard enough to buy my son toys and fancy stuff. (If I have in-laws like that, I’ll make sure their son is terrorized the same way by my parents, hmp!)

I get to go out with friends, I get to choose what hobbies to pursue. And no one tells me not to go with such and such because he is getting jealous. Haha!

The downside – people judge me. Sure they say “oh, I admire you for your strength”, “oh you are so strong”, etc. etc. Well, I do appreciate those, if they mean to encourage me. But I know that people, men in particular, look down on my status because I am a single parent. And if you are a guy, you know that you do not want to date someone like me. Someone who could become financially dependent on you, someone who could be passing on the responsibility to you, someone who have issues from the past that you have to deal with too. And that’s what keeps me from trusting people. Because I know they are trying to be kind and polite, but I also know that one little mistake and I’m done. I would be that single mom who messed up. And I would have to worry about my son, that he will have to grow up and find out how miserable I am.

But am I really miserable? Will I be dependent on a man to raise my son? Will I marry for money? Most women do. Maybe I can. But I’d rather not. Because simply, I wasn’t raised that way.

Single parenthood has taught me to be strong, to stand up for myself, and to redeem my self worth by fighting. I still need to learn how not to cry, but I hope the time will come when I can face “them” and I don’t have to feel weak and worthless anymore.

Single parenthood has taught me to be more compassionate and considerate of others. It has also taught me to not depend on others for everything. I know I do need help, but there are responsibilities that are non-negotiable and non-transferable, one of which is raising my son.

Single parenthood has taught me to find ways to make sure we don’t just get by, but that we can have a real future to look forward to. I have learned not to depend on other people’s decisions, to wait for help to come. I have learned that it is the simple joys of having a child that makes all the pain so worth it.

While I have all the personal insecurities, I also fear for my son. I have met people who grew up without a father and they claim that life would have been better for them if their father was around. I have met one very successful person who I assume grew up without a father, but I have yet to know if his success is for real, or just a facade. I do hope it is for real, and that he does not feel incomplete. Then maybe, just maybe, it is possible for Lex to grow up with just his mother, and not have that gaping hole in his heart.

Well, just for your info, Lex’s dad is still alive (sometimes I hope not for long – I know – BAD!), but just like the others out there, he lives conveniently knowing that his son is taken cared of, and that I am capable of raising him without help. He does give “support”, if you can call an amount half my monthly tax as one. But anyway, it is hard to force a man to give what he is not willing to, so fine. Single parenthood has taught me to accept whatever “blessing” came my way, and that includes that monthly “allowance” for Lex.

So after too much ranting, I know in the end I have to be thankful for having a very convenient life of not having to answer for anyone but my God, my Mama and my son. And they all love me much much more than I deserve.

Sabi nila, ang mga tao na dumarating sa buhay natin ay may panahon – kung kelan darating at kung kelan aalis. Ang iba, di nama talaga umaalis, pero parang ganun na rin, nawawala sila at pakiramdam mo, nag iisa ka na lang.

Pinag iisipan ko kung dapat pa ba na mag paalam ako, o dapat palipasin ko na lang ang panahon na di sya kinakausap, hanggang sa masanay na ako. Hmm. Tutal, kapag nasa malayo ang isang kaibigan, madali na silang kalimutan, kung may mga kaibigan naman ako dito.

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Nakausap ko ang isang lalaki na matagal ko na rin naging kaibigan. Hindi sya Pilipino, at sa isang madibdibang diskusyon, kinwento nya sa akin na minsan, natatakot sya na baka raw gusto ko syang pakasalan para makarating ako sa kanyang bansa, tulad ng maraming Pilipina doon. Nagpaliwanag naman sya na alam nyang hindi ako ganun, pero dahil sa ako ay dalagang ina at ako’y bata pa, malaki ang probability na ganun na rin yun. Syempre uminit ang ulo ko, dahil umpisa pa lang, sinabi ko na sa kanya na nakikipag kaibigan lamang ako at kung anuman ang mangyari, ay di yun dahil sa interesado ako sa pag migrate. Hayy! Naloka ako. Naisip ko na sadyang ganun na ang imahe ng mga Pilipina, na kahit disenteng tao ka, at di ka naman interesado sa mga ganung benepisyo, eh pag-iisipan ka pa rin ng masama.

Sa inis ko, sinabi ko sa kanya na kung di lang sa pagiging makabayan ko, dapat matagal na akong naninirahan sa bansa nila bilang isang propesyonal. Hmp. Sya nga di pa nakatapos ng kolehiyo eh. Hmp! Pero ayun, nagpaliwanag sya na hindi ganun ang tingin nya sa akin, at ang kanyang takot ay para ring takot sa multo – walang basehan.

Di ko alam kung ano pa dapat ang isipin ko, pero sa aming pag uusap, napag tanto ko na kahit sino at kahit saan pa, iisa lang ang iniiisip ng mga lalaki – na ang tulad kong dalagang ina ay hindi karapat dapat sa kanila.

Nadagdagan nanaman tuloy ang mababang tingin ko sa aking sarili. Nakakainis. Minsan gusto kong magalit sa anak ko – kasi naman bakit pa sya dumating. Pero syempre binabawi ko naman agad yun at humihingi ako ng tawad sa Dyos.

Nakakainis lang na isiping pagkatapos kong umasa na siguro di naman lahat ng lalaki mababa ang tingin sa mga tulad ko – eh napatunayan kong hindi totoo yun. Sabagay, kapag binata na ang anak ko, gugustuhin ko ba naman ng manugang na disgrasyada? Syempre hindi! Ayoko nga mag asawa ang anak ko eh. Sana mag pari na lang sya.

Pero sa totoo lang, nakakasawa na rin magpanggap na ok lang ako. di naman talaga ako desperado, pero nakakalungkot lang din na mapag isipan ka na naghahanap ka lang ng mapapangasawa kasi kelangan mo ng tutulong at mag papaaral ng anak mo. Kainis.

Naisip ko tuloy, siguro nga, mas mabuti na talagang tigilan ko na ang pagiilusyon na may darating pa. Alam ko na naman ang reaksyon ng mga tao pag nangyari yun. Nakita ko na ang lahat nang iyon sa aking kapatid na nag asawa ng babaeng may anak na. Tinanggap naman namin sila, pero iba pa rin kapag sabi nila ay “walang bagahe”.

Kaya pala may mga dalagang ina na kahit gano kaganda, gano kayaman, gano kabuti, di na nag aasawa. Kasi lahat ng pinaghirapan nila, hindi rin pahahalagahan, dahil sa kanilang (aming) estado.

Sige, tatanggapin ko na. Tutal, nakarami na ako ng nobyo. Pwede na yun. Haha. Mas masaya namang kasama ang aking anak. At pag makulit sya, pwede kong paluin, takutin at paiyakin. At di nya ko iiwan. Sana.

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Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko pa ring kausapin ang aking naging kaibigan na iyon. Sa tinagal tagal na magkakilala kami, sinubukan ko talagang gawing maayos ang pakikitungo sa kanya para maayos naman kahit papano ang imahe ng mga Pilipina sa paningin ng mga taga ibang bansa. Pero sadyang ganun, mahirap nga sigurong baguhin ang nakasanayan na. At sanay na tayong maliitin nila. Nakakalungkot lang.

If you want to go on a roller coaster ride for as low as PhP 7.00, all you need to do is take a jeepney ride from Marikina Bayan to Concepcion. Make sure you choose the jeepney that has a lot of decorations on the front, and plays extremely loud music.Yes, the ones who have a “conductor” seated beside the driver and shouts “o sakay na, sakay na, maluwag pa, konting ipit lang dyan, sampuan yan!!!”

the amazing thing is, regardless of the passengers’ physical size, the seating capacity is constant. So if there are five obese people seated on one side and has already taken all the space, the conductor and driver will insist that the seating capacity is for 10 people and will force the passengers to squeeze themselves to create more space. Some “big” passengers are kind enough to pay double the fare just so they wouldn’t be inconvenienced. Unfortunately for me, since I am petite, I have always become a “filler” when I am desperate to get a ride. You can imagine me squeezing my tiny butt between big passengers and a space on the seat magically appears. Ah, thank God for slim people like me. There are times when I wonder whether big and/or obese people feel bad about taking too much space in passenger vehicles. I don’t want to sound discriminating, but that’s my experience.

Anyway, these jeepneys run like the driver is immortal. They would swerve and over take, and would do so even if the car on the opposite lane is already 100 meters ahead. Man, only in the Philippines would you see jeepneys act like they’re drag racing. I would hold on to the rail, pray to God while cussing under my breath when the driver turns the stirring wheel left and right like he’s playing in the arcade. My typical roller coaster jeepney ride prayer would go like this:

“Oh, dear God, (put….na!), sorry po, sorry po, please keep us safe (p*cha!!!). God, sorry po ulit. Turuan mo po ng leksyon tong lechecng driver na to. Pero wag po muna ngayon, pag nakababa na po ako…”

You wouldn’t believe how these jeepney drivers manage not to kill their passengers of heart attack. I don’t think these drivers passed an exam to get their license, since you can pay for a driver’s license even if you are not capable of driving. Sigh. such is the sad state of our Land Transportation Office.

I’m sure that when these jeepneys go into accidents, all the drivers could say is “I’m sorry…”, and you have no other choice but to pay for all your hospital and funeral bills. Darn.

But then again, since I have no car, I will have to take roller coaster rides often.

The past weekend has been so hectic. But after the month has officially passed, messages from my mentor made me think: how would my life be right now if I decided not to take this path?

It has been a few years since I met a couple of entrepreneurs and we ventured into business together. That was actually a bad time for me because exactly 2 weeks after, my son’s dad broke off our relationship and I was devastated. It took me a few months to come back and continue.

Now, a few years and a lot of new friends later, I am close to complete healing, and eventhough at times I feel miserable about my current status, I no longer feel as bad as before. And I don’t know if I could be this positive and happy if those guys have not crossed my path.

They say that there are no accidents, and everything happens for a reason. And that friends are angels that God sends our way, to help us and change us.

Thanks Panda Warriors! Looking forward to more years together as a team and a family.

The Pandas at the Warriors Team building in Tagaytay

my favorite panda