while I'm waiting…

The past weeks, Lex has been very VERY naughty, to the brink of being bad. since his 11 year old cousin moved in with us, Lex’s behavior has changed drastically. And I can say it is a big challenge for me as a mom.

My nephew needs some attention from my Mama since he does not have good study habits, and we found out from his teacher that he has been showing some weird behavior in school (more of a manifestation of his emotional pains as a kid, I guess) and my Mama decided that it is best to pay close attention to him. So Mama does what she has always done best when we were kids – she tutors my nephew among other “mommy” chores that she does for all of us at home.

So here comes Lex, who has been so used to all the attention, and he bullies his cousin to no end. Imagine Lex taking his cousin’s slippers and hiding them so his cousin goes barefoot. Then Lex takes his cousin’s glass of water and gulps it down, then runs and laughs out loud. He refuses to share his toys. He even refuses to let the maid cook hotdog for his cousin, because for the longest time, the hotdog has always been solely for Lex.

At first, we just tell his cousin to be patient, since Lex is way younger. But everyday, the two of them would play, then fight, then one of them gets hurt, and when no one is looking, Lex’s cousin becomes impatient and has hurt Lex a few times. Of course, it must have been provoked. So Mama separates them as much as possible.

This week, I took a sick leave and stayed home for 2 days. Lex threw several tantrums and it didn’t even involve his cousin. That’s when I realized that he has really changed. It’s like he wanted to make us really mad all the time! Since I was at home, Mama just sat back and let me take control. At first, I got soooo annoyed, so I raised my voice. No impact. Next, I slapped his butt with my hands. No impact. The “dog threat” works all the time, but it only causes Lex to scream louder. (the “dog threat” – I threaten to I carry him out to the dalmatian who is always barking at him) What works best is when I carry him to the room (sometimes I have to pull him while he’s lying on the floor and screaming – an ugly sight), I let him sit on his chair to cool off. Believe me, it takes a lot of self control to avoid hitting him back (yes, he hits me with those little hands of his, masakit ah!). I imagine all kinds of punishments for him – which can possibly get me to jail – so I just imagine and let it pass… What ultimately works for Lex is the silent treatment and the sharp, killer stare. It’s funny when you get to see us stare at each other, arms folded. Like we’re waiting for a face off. Hehe. When he stops screaming, that’s when i talk to him. I let him look straight into my eyes and tell him how he should behave. When he starts acting up again, I raise my voice and point a finger. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to do. But I have avoided physical punishments as much as I can.

Yesterday, it was a first. Lex was soooo angry that he threw his toys everywhere because i wouldn’t let him sit on MY chair. I mean come on, there are a lot of other chairs, why snatch my chair? So I got fed up, I gave him my chair and took another chair. Accidentally, the chair hit his Lego robot, and he used that as a reason to get really mad. So he picked up what remained of the robot, and threw it at the wall. Which of course irked me, and I gave him the stare. No impact. I picked up the Lego pieces and told him I’d get rid of it. He screamed “NO!!!”, picked up the pieces himself, and threw them everywhere. Some hit me, some didn’t. I got so upset, I carried him to the room and after a few minutes, he calmed down. But as he sat down he closed his fists and screamed, making his whole head turn red. It’s like he wanted to hit me but was holding back. It was… alarming. but he sat down and I turned on the fan (he was all sweaty) and left the room. Then the screams got louder. After a few minutes, I peeped into the room and found him sleeping on the bed. It was around past 5pm, and he slept through the night.

Anyway, I cannot even imagine how I would have to deal with his outbursts when he gets older. My brother was not at home so no one could really “control” him. Although I was able to calm him down this time, well, for how long? When he’s taller than me already, he can just run away and I can’t carry him to the room anymore. Sigh. It is during these times that I wonder how it would have been if his father was around. Will his commanding voice be enough?

But then what is the use of wondering “what if”.

My son is five years old. Getting older by the day, and I have no other choice but to grow with him. since none of us behaved like that as kids, my Mama doesn’t know how to deal with it as well. So it’s another surprise practical exam from God. I hope I get passing grades.

We celebrated Lex’s fifth birthday yesterday, July 17. It’s been five years already? It seemed like it was just yesterday when I had my caesarian section that is similar to this video.

ready to blow the candle - after playing outside

Anyway, I am thankful for the five years, and the nine months prior to that. I never imagined how it would be after Lex’s birth. all I knew was I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

I am really grateful to God for Lex’s life – it has somehow “forced” me to see beyond myself and actually live and look forward to the future. I am amazed at how Lex is turning out. He is really eager to learn more in school, and everywhere else (sometimes it can be annoying), and he has become so sweet that it’s easy to forgive him when he’s all naughty and bad.

His fifth birthday celebration went out really well, considering that this inexperienced mom didn’t prepare well for it (hehe). We cooked the usual birthday food – spaghetti, hotdogs, chicken, lumpiang shanghai, and the birthday treats – cake and ice cream! then my collague came by with her family, and as promised, she hosted some games for the kids, who really had fun.

Lex enjoyed all his gifts, and is more sociable now, so he was really game with the pictures, and he greeted each visitor that came by, and he said goodbye as they left. And I think he really enjoyed all the attention.

Lex’s dad called up in the afternoon to greet him. I handed the phone to Lex, who only said ‘hello’, then shoved the phone away. Unfortunately, I had to listen to his dad sing ‘happy birthday’, hahaha. As always, he ‘promised’ to take Lex out the ‘next time’ he’s ‘available’.

Anyway, the night ended with left over spaghetti and cake that will last us for several days, depending on our appetite hehe. Today, I will be taking Lex out for Timezone and maybe a movie if he feels like it, and to get him his new clothes, care of the father who is now in far away Basilan.

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I am glad to note that this year is unfolding with a lot of surprises and new things – VERY new things, that leaves me awed and excited at the same time. I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I know that several little choices can lead to something really wonderful – something I have always prayed for, hoped for, longed for. And as they say, nothing of value is easy. So while chasing this new dream may be VERY inconvenient, emotionally draining and unsure, I think the risk is worth it. Besides, in a blink of an eye, Lex will be 15, and I, 40. Gosh, I would have liked to have done something really significant in between!

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Most of the single moms I knew, who eventually found their current husbands, started seriously dating again after their kids turned five. And now I’m wondering, is it my time as well?

Haha, well, we never know.

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All in all, I am looking forward to more birthday celebrations for Lex.

Thank you for coming over: my good friend Meong and his wonderful family Heide and Ivy, Ms. Lorie (from Lex’s school), my cousin Irene, the neighborhood kids Niel, Mikey and sister, and Ian, UPSCAns Margie, Louise and Nanette with little Lina, my colleagues Atty. Grace and her family, Arvin, Thea and Julian, the ‘late’ Laiza (hehe kidding, she was late), and of course my big bro Cris and his son Grendel. And always grateful for my Mama and our kasambahay, Dedeng.

Thank You, Lord, for these angels in our lives!

first day of school, June 2010

My little baby boy just started kindergarten this week. Last Monday, I brought him to school, which is just around 3 houses away from ours. He was the second student to arrive (the first one is the teacher’s daughter), and as soon as he came in, the little girl pulled him inside the classroom to play. So I left without saying goodbye (huhuhu). Later in the evening, he just told me they played in school.

Although I didn’t really get emotional with the “first phase of letting go”, if you will, I gave it a lot of thought. Lex is turning 5 years old this July, and thinking back, I am amazed at how fast the years went by. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I felt him move inside my belly? (ok, when I start thinking about that, I get emotional).

And now he decides on what to wear. I can’t force him to wear what I think is appropriate – he wears what HE wants. So this morning, Friday, is supposed to be their P.E. day. So he has to wear a white T shirt and green jogging pants. He didn’t want to, he insisted to wear the regular uniform. So Lex and my mom argued for a few minutes, until my mom got frustrated and screamed “ARE YOU GOING TO SCHOOL OR NOT???!!!”, to which Lex just replied with a smirk, his hands on his waist and his foot tapping on the floor. Seriously, it was annoying! He is soooo stubborn. So I tried forcinghim to wear the T-shirt. He pulled it off and squirmed away and shouted “NO!!!”.

So he ended up wearing the regular uniform, and he had to change when he got to school and saw his other classmates wearing the jogging pants. Huh!

There have been a lot of times when I found myself actually TRYING to negotiate with Lex. I can’t believe how difficult it is to convince a 4 year old. How many more years do I have to do this? Gosh.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful for his life, and the amazing things he can do. This is just the first week of school. Huh!

Special thanks to my mom, who has been the one helping Lex with his homework and everything else. I think I’m doing a good job as a dad, except for the part where Lex is supposed to be intimidated by my presence. My brother does that – tell him in a deep, firm voice to “finish your food”.

Anyway, next week I’ll be home most times, and I guess I can have my chance to be a mom.

Lex has been watching the Disney Channel on cable TV since he was 2 years old. It was a good way to distract him and keep him from moving around too much. Since my mother takes care of him and the rest of the household chores when I am not around, letting him watch TV made it convenient for her.

Then the maid had to take a vacation that lasted 4 months. by that time, Lex was barely 4 years old and is really active. So the only way my mother can do some house work done is if she let Lex watch TV for hours. We know it wasn’t ideal, but it was the best option at that time.

Then we noticed the change. At home, we speak Tagalog, the primary Filipino dialect. So we were amazed that Lex has started to speak in English – with the accent! We do speak to him in English, just so he becomes bilingual and it will be easier for him to adjust in school. But we never talk to him in an American or British accent.

So now, we just let him watch cartoons since school has not started yet. We just make sure he watches kid-friendly shows. And wow, I am so amazed at the kind of words he uses on a daily basis. I even learn new ways of saying things in English (I tend to translate literally, and sometimes it sounds weird). And I learned how to speak to him with an accent as well, just so he doesn’t get confused.

twins?

 Another one of my brother’s artwork.   I was supposed to have my own triplets version, but the camera moved a bit and it was ruined. Anyway, my bro also made this nice photo of Lex.   Nice no?

I’ve always read and heard that married couples have challenges when they make family decisions. Major purchases, where to go on vacation, what to cook on birthdays, where to enroll the kids, etc etc. In times they do not agree, an argument would start and it could get worse from there.

Though I am glad that I do not have to have these challenges, still, having a child whose father still wants to be involved can be a challenge too.

Recently, I talked to my son’s father to discuss Lex’s education. He promised to shoulder Lex’s education (on paper, under oath) so it’s about time we talked about it.

At first, he suggested that we both shoulder the educational expenses, 50-50. Which of course I said no. So we wrote down the figures and I explained that if we (I) homeschool Lex, it would be more manageable. It was obviously shocking for him to see how much a child’s education costs nowadays. So eventually he agreed on the “terms”.

Then he started talking about how someday, he would take Lex with him to his “work” for 2 weeks when it’s “safe”, etc. etc., and I’m like, “what?”. See, he hasn’t seen Lex since January 2008. And now it’s lemme check, April 2010! He hasn’t seen his son for a year because he didn’t prioritize the kid. Obviously, he prioritized his parents and siblings, his girlfriend, his job, but not his son. And so hearing about how he wants to “borrow” Lex someday, I felt like he’s on his “all talk” mode. How can he expect the child to go with him when the boy doesn’t even know his father? Anyway, I’m over reacting, but I told him, sure. Take Lex when he’s old enough, that is, if he wants to go with you. He doesn’t even know who you are.

With that, his face turned a bit sad (not sure if it’s for real tho), and he asked me this favor: please take my (his) photo and show it to Lex (he then handed me his photo).

Oh well, a photo. And some cash allowance every month. I guess that’s good enough, since he’s not my husband anyway. So his absence is not a big deal. I guess some husbands and fathers out there do the same thing, and their wives have to carry the emotional burden. At least in my case, I don’t have to miss him, long for him or even worry about him. So I took the photo after he signed it.

We talked about other stuff that night. About what happened to “us”, and how “this” is easier than pushing getting back together. And with all honesty, I couldn’t agree more. Having him in my life has become a burden, and having been “free” for a few years, I’d rather stay free.

He’s been wanting to say some things that I know is hard for him to say, which I’m glad he didn’t. He kept saying “well, it’s the past…”, “it could have been…”, and he would stop. On my end, I don’t want to linger on the what if’s anymore, because I know that had “all this” didn’t happen, he wouldn’t have this maturity now, and I’m sure we still wouldn’t make it.

People ask me “what if” he decides to “want us back” and “be a family”. I simply feel numb. I only say I don’t want to anymore, simply because our families will get hurt, again. See, in the Philippines, you don’t marry a person. You marry an entire clan. How convenient it is in Europe or in the US where couples can have a life of their own, completely their own. Getting back together, I know, has been on his mind (sabihin mo nang feeling ako, but, duh), but with his actions and gestures, I KNOW that he doesn’t have the heart and the guts to fight for me and Lex. We are simply, not worth fighting for. His parents, his sisters and brother, they pretty much make his life complete. His son, is just an obligation. And I am just a friend.

With that, I am convinced that I must… I shall move forward.

Lex went to summer school today. The pre-school in the neighborhood (same street) is offering a two-week summer program, and we decided to let Lex try it and see from there whether he is ready for school.

Today, Lex woke up early. It was raining, so I didn’t notice the time (rain in the summer!). He was excited. But by the time he is about to enter his classroom, he didn’t want to go anymore. So Mama went inside with him, and she managed to sneak out when he wasn’t looking. I went to work and got a call from Mama by 10AM. Lex enjoyed the class. And he will go back tomorrow.

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It’s probably coincidence, but it always rains on the first day of school. at least it happened to me, several times. I associate the rain to the first day of school – the day I have to meet new people, again. See, I moved three times, and it was always during the opening of the school year. So I have always associated the rain, first day of school to being lonely. I have this weird gloomy feeling when it rains. I guess the times that I moved, have imprinted a negative feeling inside me.

Today, when I woke up, and Lex said “go to school!”, I felt that gloomy-lonely-achy feeling again. This time, I guess it’s that feeling of having to let go of Lex. I know this is super corny, and too early, but if you’re a parent, you’d somehow relate. I mean, it was just like yesterday that Lex was just a baby. And now, he’s going to school! Sigh.

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I have decided to send Lex to a regular school until he learns how to read. We can start with a homeschool curicullum later on.

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I texted Lex’s father about the school thing. No response yet. I’m sure his eyes will pop out when he sees how much the kindergarten program for the coming school year will cost. A whooping P 37,000 ++ (840 USD)for the whole school year. Yup, that’s for a two hours a day class. Books, school things, uniforms are included. But still. That’s just two hours a day, with homework! But then again, the money part is supposed to be the father’s problem, not mine. Hmp! (hehe)

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I’m just glad my Mama is here for us. I would not know what to do if it’s just me and Lex.

Can you believe that I subscribed for weekly emails from a personal development site for fathers? There is a counterpart site for mothers and wives, but I opted to be part of the fathers’ mailing list.

Most of you already know why – because I’m a single parent and I can’t just be a mother, but I have to be the father as well, since Lex’s father is not doing his job. Of course he always makes an excuse, that he’s a soldier so he doesn’t have the time, blah blah blah. So while I am assuming that he spent a lot of time with his family and his girlfriend, he couldn’t find time for his son.

So while I feel irritated wiht all those excuses, I prefer to not dwell on that anymore (since I’m not the one who’s missing out) and just move forward and do something that is within my control.

So today, I got an email from The Dash Guy, and he talked about Dads having the initiative to help their kids plan their education. And this is one of my urgent concerns. Lex will be turning 5 this July, and the school year starts in June. And I still don’t know what to do. I have already told my Mama that I’m leaning towards homeschooling, but I still haven’t decided which homeschool provider to sign up with. Or whether I should just enroll Lex to that new neighborhood preschool that opened last year. See, Lex’s father promised (in writing) that he will pay for Lex’s education until he turns 21. So. Another concern. We haven’t discussed it yet. Although ultimately, I still have the final say, but since I’m a very kind, considerate person (to my disadvantage most times), I do want his opinion first, since he will be giving the money anyway (I really hope so).

But if my idea is to just have him homeschooled and to enroll him in the Taekwondo kids’ class. A lot of my acquaintances think I’m “sheltering” my son too much. Well, literally, yes. I just can’t bear the thought of having another kid stick a pencil in Lex’s eyes. I would probably strangle that kid if that happens. Plus if I pick a fight with parents, I would not have a tough guy with me (tho my brother can do that, but he’d probably strangle the parents too heheheh). Anyway, after al those theories and the belief that I have things under control, I dtill have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.

Looking back in my childhood, my Papa wasn’t that involved in my life either, although I do remember having that drive to be the best in class so my father would be proud of me. And he was. He still is. He would call me his “princess” and when he’s drunk, he would brag to his drinking buddies that his daughter is an engineer just like him. It would just make me think, I wish he was there when I needed help in my engineering subjects, especially the structural eng’g subjects! (he’s a civil engineer so that’s his forte) I wonder…

And now I wonder, whether Lex will wonder about the same thing in the future. I mean, I could write as good as his father. I could do public speaking as well. but I don’t know how to do a necktie, or tie combat boots, or shoot a gun. I can’t ride motorcycles and I can’t drive a car, much less change a tire or the car’s oil. I have no idea how to hunt, cross rivers and I can’t open a bottle of beer using a spoon. I mean, who does all those things? His father does. I don’t. And I would really hate to hear Lex say, “I wish my father was here…”, when in fact, I am there. I am a dad. I am. I should be. Who else would be?

composed and sung by Vienna Teng

I found this song in my good friend’s blog, and I can’t help but blog about it as well. Its music is so relaxing, refreshing. And by the end of the song, I am teary eyed. (ok, I cry over Johnson&Johnson commercials so that’s how sentimental I am)

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

everything’s fine in the morning
the rain’ll be gone in the morning
but I’ll still be here in the morning

When I listen to this song, I picture Lex and how he snuggles close to me at night. There are times that he stands up in the middle of the night and feels his way in the dark, and he would rest his head on my stomach or my chest. It becomes uncomfortable for me, but I can only imagine how comforting it is for him to be close to his mommy.

When I listen to this song, I also remember how it was for me. I am the youngest child in the family, and by the time I was about to go to highschool, my brothers are in college, living far in the city. I would sleep alone in my room and I wake up in the middle of the night and knock on my parents’ room, where I would end up sleeping, in between my mom and dad. Yes, this went on until I was 15. My parents split up when I was 16 and I shared the bed with my mom when my dad left the house. I was a teenager, and I should already be a “big girl”, but you know, sleeping beside my parents has always been comforting to me.

So, listening to this song brings tears to my eyes for a lot of reasons – the past, the present, and maybe the future, when I will be blessed with another child (who knows?), or if it is my son’s turn to be a parent.

In the meantime, I will cherish the moments that my son sleeps close and find that with mommy, everything will be alright.

Last weekend, I was a full time Mommy at home since the maid got sick and went to stay with her relatives, and Mama had a seminar at church. The whole two days as not exactly refreshing, since I did a lot of house chores I haven’t done in months. But it was a nice time with Lex.

We started off by doing the laundry. Lex was excited when I said we are gonna wash the clothes. “Mommy, let’s go! Let’s laba na! (let’s do the laundry!)”. So I carried the pile of clothes at the laundry area and separated the light colored clothes from the dark ones. He immediately started sorting too. It was an amusing sight.

Then while I filled the washing machine with water, he just stood there and watched the water rise. I rinsed the clothes before placing them in the machine, so Lex kept on bugging me “Mommy, enough water na?” until I turned off the hose.

Doing the laundry with Lex turned out to be enjoyable. He liked dipping his hands in the water and imitated me when I handwashed some of the clothes. He also gave his owl stuffed toy (which he fondly calls “Pussycat owl” or “Pussy” ) a bath. (don’t ask me where he got that name)

Anyway, I’m glad Lex ate lunch and dinner the entire weekend. I think he likes having Mommy for company.

I am looking forward to more days like that one. But that won’t be anytime soon.

Someday. Promise.