while I'm waiting…

(Blueberry cheesecake at French Baker, a dinner treat for myself last friday, forced myself to finish it, kakabusog pala! (after I ate a full meal kasi))

I have always been terrified of turning thirty. I have no idea how it happened, but I guess it’s because I have always heard other people say you should be married by thirty otherwise, you will be categorized an “old maid”. Although I don’t exactly fit in that category because I have a child already, but the idea of having a zero lovelife is just… sad, scary – basta, a major negative feeling.

But the world turns and the days fly by, and this tiny girl who people used to call “bonsai”, “lizard” and “mosquito” (my classmates are mean), is still tiny, but in terms of experience and “wisdom” I would like to think I am as big as an elephant (I’d be a whale when I turn 60, and a dinosouar when I reach 80).

Wisdom. Do I really have it? Most times I feel like I haven’t changed emotionally since I was 15, when I had my first boyfriend and I’d get upset if he ignores me the whole day (he does that just to avoid being the subject of teachers’ gossips hehehe). Anyway, I just cannot stand not getting my beloved’s attention. Ha-ha. Maybe it’s hard wired in me because I grew up being the special one in the family, being my father’s only girl and being both grandfathers’ youngest granddaughter.

But yeah, wisdom. The wisdom to choose to forgive (which is a very challenging endeavor, believe me). And the awakening that it is true that God answers prayers – although He packages the gifts in ways I do not expect, or hope for. Nonetheless, He answers them. The answers may not be what I asked for exactly, but there will always be an answer – “yes”, “no”, “why not get this instead of that”, or “you already have that you are just looking at the wrong direction”. Oh, and there is probably the answer that says “you are asking the same question”, hahaha! (that probably comes when I ask God, why??? over and over)

So yeah, this post is as incoherent as my real handwriting. So what can I say on the eve of my birthday?

Thank You, God, for letting my parents keep me, the unexpected baby. And thank You, for giving me Lex, the unplanned baby, because he simply reminds me that there is enough reason for me to live another day. Every day.

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Thanks guys, for the advance birthday greetings! Special mention si Harold, who called me on the 2nd of September to greet me (akala ko eh for the first time in 13 years he has forgotten the date hahaha!), before he forgets daw pala.

And thanks to my green eyed teddy bear for keeping in touch.

Lex had a blast at Active Fun, SM North Edsa branch. I was glad to be invited to a mommy blogger’s invitational event (yes it was for free) to go and enjoy a few hours at Active Fun, a play area for kids wherein you can leave them while the adults take their time shopping. Of course, one adult should stay to supervise the kids, although Active Fun has its own staff that watches over the kids, and are positioned in spots within the play area to make sure the kids are safe at all times.

There is a big slide, a pool of balls, and several other play things for different age groups. There is also a party area where kids can hold their birthday parties. Active Fun offers birthday party packages, much like the ones available in fast food chains, except that aside from the party, the kids have a chance to use the play area.

Anyway, here are photos taken by fellow mom blogger, Chats, since I didn’t have a camera that time.

Lex poses for a second (thanks Chats for taking the shot!)

After that fun time, Lex had dinner in Jollibee and I had to carry him when we walked the sky garden of SM North. That was a long walk, and it was past 9pm, so I had to carry Lex since he was exhausted. Good thing I ate that banana! Haha!

Hopefully we get to go on the next invitational (it’s pretty impractical for us to travel from Marikina to SM North just to play there). Well, I will keep my radars up for the next mommy bloggers event! I’m back in the circuit! Yey!

Cess, Lisa, Julie, Lynn (thanks for the photo, Lynn!)

I was with these mom bloggers that Friday night:
Chats aka imom
Teacher Julie
Cess
Cookie
Lynn
Feng (on blog leave hehe)

Thanks to Apple, the branch owner of Active Fun SM North, for having us there!

Check out the Active Fun website to see what’s in store for parents and kids on Active Fun’s first anniversary!

fun!

I barely knew my grandfather (my father’s dad). All I know is that he was a World War II veteran, eventually became part of the Philippine Army and retired as an Army Captain. I have learned more about him recently when we were “reunited” with the rest of the Bacani clan, since my uncles have spent a lot of time with him.

One thing I remember about him was that he traveled from Ilocos Sur to Cavite (around 400 plus km., and more than 10 hrs. bus ride) to visit my brother, and that he was the one who was there during my brother’s wedding in my father’s place (we were still not in good terms with my father that time). And during that time, when our family had a crisis, my grandfather GAVE me his bank book so I could withdraw his pension money EVERY MONTH and help us out financially. It was not really a huge amount but he was living off his pensions and he had to give up one of them. I guess, in a way, it is his way of compensating for having a (once) irresponsible son (sorry Papa, you know that’s true hehe).

Anyway, recent events in the family has inspired my cousin to rummage through his mom’s old photos, scanned them and posted them on Facebook. Here, I share some of the photos of my grandfather, the highly respected (but almost forgotten) Capt. Juan Bacani.

My uncle’s comment on FB: “uncle john must be in college here, enrolled at centro escolar also takin dentistry. second year college siya when WWII broke up. he was recruited. lolo hugo and dad just learned about it thru relatives. the next time they saw him was at death march. classic no?”

My uncle’s comment on FB: “i think this is in fort magsaysay, uncle john was assigned in tabak division of the army”

(Written at the back)
Dec. 31, 1966
“Scene was taken in front of Saigon Catholic Cathedral. Jeep is a PHILCAG, one driven by a Sgt. Reyes whom I requested to make the shot. It is in this vicinity where Filipinos by the hundreds meets and stroll especially after Sunday mass. Saigon”

(Written at the back)
Saigon, Vietnam Dec. 21/1967
“To Emy,

Love Daddy”
(Emy is my father’s youngest sister)

With this photo, my father’s cousin, Tito Willie recalled how Lolo Juan showed his concern for the family: “when he was long retired from the service i was asking him to give me his 45cal…this is what he told me (translated from Kapampangan to Tagalog) ‘Loko, nuong galing ako ng Vietnam nag-uwi ako ng baril, kahit gaano pa..di ko inisip na bigyan ko kayo ng baril..ngayon pa!..hindi nyo kailangan ng baril..husto na.. na ako na lang ang humawak ng baril sa mga Bacani’ (When I went back from Vietnam I brought home guns, but even then I didn’t think of giving you one. You do not need it. It is enough that I am last of the Bacani’s to hold a gun.)

(Written at the back)
“Saigon, Vietnam.
Daddy in his rugged attire. This is where I stay and live. Our billet is not seen in picture. It is very cold now. The temperature is 14F. I am wearing a sweater and a leather jacket.”

I may be biased, but hey, my grandfather IS gorgeous, isn’t he?

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Thank you, Lolo Juan, for your memories. And thank you, my uncles and aunts, for sharing his memories with us!

We celebrated Lex’s fifth birthday yesterday, July 17. It’s been five years already? It seemed like it was just yesterday when I had my caesarian section that is similar to this video.

ready to blow the candle - after playing outside

Anyway, I am thankful for the five years, and the nine months prior to that. I never imagined how it would be after Lex’s birth. all I knew was I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

I am really grateful to God for Lex’s life – it has somehow “forced” me to see beyond myself and actually live and look forward to the future. I am amazed at how Lex is turning out. He is really eager to learn more in school, and everywhere else (sometimes it can be annoying), and he has become so sweet that it’s easy to forgive him when he’s all naughty and bad.

His fifth birthday celebration went out really well, considering that this inexperienced mom didn’t prepare well for it (hehe). We cooked the usual birthday food – spaghetti, hotdogs, chicken, lumpiang shanghai, and the birthday treats – cake and ice cream! then my collague came by with her family, and as promised, she hosted some games for the kids, who really had fun.

Lex enjoyed all his gifts, and is more sociable now, so he was really game with the pictures, and he greeted each visitor that came by, and he said goodbye as they left. And I think he really enjoyed all the attention.

Lex’s dad called up in the afternoon to greet him. I handed the phone to Lex, who only said ‘hello’, then shoved the phone away. Unfortunately, I had to listen to his dad sing ‘happy birthday’, hahaha. As always, he ‘promised’ to take Lex out the ‘next time’ he’s ‘available’.

Anyway, the night ended with left over spaghetti and cake that will last us for several days, depending on our appetite hehe. Today, I will be taking Lex out for Timezone and maybe a movie if he feels like it, and to get him his new clothes, care of the father who is now in far away Basilan.

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I am glad to note that this year is unfolding with a lot of surprises and new things – VERY new things, that leaves me awed and excited at the same time. I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I know that several little choices can lead to something really wonderful – something I have always prayed for, hoped for, longed for. And as they say, nothing of value is easy. So while chasing this new dream may be VERY inconvenient, emotionally draining and unsure, I think the risk is worth it. Besides, in a blink of an eye, Lex will be 15, and I, 40. Gosh, I would have liked to have done something really significant in between!

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Most of the single moms I knew, who eventually found their current husbands, started seriously dating again after their kids turned five. And now I’m wondering, is it my time as well?

Haha, well, we never know.

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All in all, I am looking forward to more birthday celebrations for Lex.

Thank you for coming over: my good friend Meong and his wonderful family Heide and Ivy, Ms. Lorie (from Lex’s school), my cousin Irene, the neighborhood kids Niel, Mikey and sister, and Ian, UPSCAns Margie, Louise and Nanette with little Lina, my colleagues Atty. Grace and her family, Arvin, Thea and Julian, the ‘late’ Laiza (hehe kidding, she was late), and of course my big bro Cris and his son Grendel. And always grateful for my Mama and our kasambahay, Dedeng.

Thank You, Lord, for these angels in our lives!

Do you ever wonder why a wake becomes a family reunion, when in fact you have attempted to invite family for gatherings – weddings, birthdays, baptisms, etc. – and they never come. When someone dies, everyone comes.

Anyway, this time, it was our turn to show up. See, my siblings and I never met our father’s side of the family when we were growing up. I’m not sure why, but maybe because we spent 8 years in Davao and by the time we went back to Luzon, my father didn’t give much thought about introducing us to the rest of the family.

My uncle found me on Facebook. Can you believe it? And I was thrilled to see people who I share my family name with. Finally, I belong somewhere! So just last month we met them in a family gathering and I was overwhelmed at all my cousins – there were a lot of them I couldn’t remember their names.

Then my grand aunt passed away, and it was an opportunity to meet them again. What was amazing to me was – the wake and the funeral was the most peaceful and “happy” one I’ve been. My uncles and aunt were not exactly sad, but they were emotional when they reminisced about how wonderful their mother was. And it was a blessing to a lot of us. To get a glimpse of the life this woman lived – for her family. hearing the eulogy that my aunt prepared gave me an idea of how mothers and wives should be. And even if I’m practically a stranger in that wake (because I barely know them – we just met a month ago!), I felt like somehow, I have found a family to emulate. That somehow, if Lexx asks me how a normal family looks like, I can tell him about my uncles’ family and he will understand what I mean.

That night was special for me because after a long time, my brothers and I were able to spend a few hours with my father and the rest of the family. There were no long talks or whatever. Mostly there were just hi’s hello’s how are you’s. But it was enough.

I can’t exactly describe the feeling, but it was like meeting people for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them all your life. It didn’t feel weird for me to stay with them the whole day.

Maybe it’s because as far as I know, we didn’t owe them, and they didn’t owe us, anything. So the feeling was light. Unlike with my other family, it feels odd living with them, because we owe them a lot. I’m not being ungrateful. Just that I didn’t feel too welcome because I was an added burden. Which I’m probably not, but that’s how I felt at that time.

Anyway, my point is, I am glad. My Lex wouldn’t be missing out too much on not “belonging” to his father’s family (it’s a relief for me), because just with my mother’s and father’s sides of the family – he can already say he’s got enough love.

Bacani Family

with my Papa and Kuyas

blessed with 2 nuns, a pastor and a bishop in the family

*thanks, Tito Mon, for the photos

My aunt posted our old photos on Facebook, and I was so overwhelmed. I am glad that my Mama used to mail our photos to my grandfather, and now, I have no idea whether we till have copies of those, but a stack of the old photos are still in my grandmother’s house in Ilocos. I am glad to remember that I did have photos with my grandfather, years before he passed away. And of course, I am amused with my baby photos that show how bald I was as a kid. Hahaha!

My brothers and I

on a guava tree

with cousins, my brothers and Lolo Juan and Lola Pat

Lex went to summer school today. The pre-school in the neighborhood (same street) is offering a two-week summer program, and we decided to let Lex try it and see from there whether he is ready for school.

Today, Lex woke up early. It was raining, so I didn’t notice the time (rain in the summer!). He was excited. But by the time he is about to enter his classroom, he didn’t want to go anymore. So Mama went inside with him, and she managed to sneak out when he wasn’t looking. I went to work and got a call from Mama by 10AM. Lex enjoyed the class. And he will go back tomorrow.

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It’s probably coincidence, but it always rains on the first day of school. at least it happened to me, several times. I associate the rain to the first day of school – the day I have to meet new people, again. See, I moved three times, and it was always during the opening of the school year. So I have always associated the rain, first day of school to being lonely. I have this weird gloomy feeling when it rains. I guess the times that I moved, have imprinted a negative feeling inside me.

Today, when I woke up, and Lex said “go to school!”, I felt that gloomy-lonely-achy feeling again. This time, I guess it’s that feeling of having to let go of Lex. I know this is super corny, and too early, but if you’re a parent, you’d somehow relate. I mean, it was just like yesterday that Lex was just a baby. And now, he’s going to school! Sigh.

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I have decided to send Lex to a regular school until he learns how to read. We can start with a homeschool curicullum later on.

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I texted Lex’s father about the school thing. No response yet. I’m sure his eyes will pop out when he sees how much the kindergarten program for the coming school year will cost. A whooping P 37,000 ++ (840 USD)for the whole school year. Yup, that’s for a two hours a day class. Books, school things, uniforms are included. But still. That’s just two hours a day, with homework! But then again, the money part is supposed to be the father’s problem, not mine. Hmp! (hehe)

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I’m just glad my Mama is here for us. I would not know what to do if it’s just me and Lex.

Okay, so I’ve been putting off blogging about this year’s Earth hour, and I ended up stuck at home with Lex. I was hoping we could join an event in the city. But anyway, regardless, we still turned off the lights, the TV and the fridge. I was planning to switch off the main breaker, but I can’t bear the heat and the mosquitoes, so Lex and I are in front of my netbook and an electric fan, watching video clips. I’ve explained to Lex why we’re turning off the lights and he seems to understand that we have to switch off the lights.

Last year, the Philippines topped the number of towns and cities that participated in the event, and the country actually saved 611 megawatt-hours of energy (and since it lasted only 1 hour, so it’s 611 MW capacity), which is equivalent to the largest coal fired power plant in the country. Imagine, it’s like shutting down one coal fired power plant!

I wonder how much we will be saving this year? (tho in the Philippines, some areas have forced outages anyway because of power shortage due to the dry season). Aanyway. I can’t believe it’s almost 9:30 pm.

Earth hour 2010 with Lex

2006

I drift, I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I’m helpless, I’m yearning
I’m like the putty in your hands

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I’m falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I’ve been waiting for you
Waiting for you

The Pandas with Coach Ali - 2009