while I'm waiting…

Bear with me, I am not a journalist, I only saw the news live on TV and heard it on the radio on the way home, and read tweets while the Manila hostage drama went on. So whatever I have to say, are thoughts in my head, and may not be the best “assessment” of the situation. But at this point, I just feel the need to share my thoughts.

First, I am bothered. That the former police officer would have enough reason to risk his life, his future, his family’s reputation, to do what he did. What kind of injustice does a man go through, for him to decide on taking innocent lives? How desperate is he, for him to resort to hostage taking, just to “get back” at whoever caused him to go crazy? I am sure this person did not just go all crazy overnight. It just happened that he was probably not emotionally stronger as the others…

I am bothered about his brother, as well. The hostage taker’s brother, also a police officer, was supposed to have been called to the scene to help “negotiate”, but in the end, the brother was arrested. And the worst part that bothered me? That this police officer seemed to be so scared to be arrested. Why? Because he said he was innocent and was not an accessory to his brother’s criminal acts. Why was he so scared? Because as a police officer, he knows exactly what happens to people who get arrested. Remember only recently, a number of police officers were exposed to have tortured a prisoner?

It also bothers me that as we watched everything unfold on TV, it seemed that the police were not skilled enough to handle the situation. Although of course, that may not be true, since I myself am not skilled in police operations. But for this to go this far… I don’t know. People were alive a few hours ago. And now? Sadly, a lot of them are dead, and the hostage taker is dead. Does that solve the problem? Yahoo, that maniac is dead? Definitely not good news. Whatever it was he wanted to expose or complain about, will be buried along with him. What happens one, two, three years down the road? When another officer goes through whatever he has gone through? Will another hostage-taking happen? Will you or any of your loved ones be there when it happens? That thought scares me, of course. My point is, while we are relieved that the survivors are safe, in general, we are not safe. Because the root of the problem is not solved.

So what’s the next step? Investigation? Other than doing the usual procedures, this is a time to reflect. What the hell is wrong in the system that our own uniformed men who are supposed to protect us, are the ones causing us harm? Why are they frustrated, angry, hopeless? What pushes them to the limit, that not even moving forward with their lives, just focusing on their families – is no longer worth it? What makes them thing their “sacrifice” is justifiable?

We all know that desperation makes people think of and do things out of the ordinary. Unfortunately, today, one person chose to end his misery and take innocent people along with him.

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Praying for their souls, their families. For our country.

My previous blog post was about health issues in our family. This week, all of us went to the doctor for another round of check ups. My Mama’s cough didn’t subside despite her taking anti-biotics and cough medications, and her x-ray showed her lungs to be clear. She decided to have an appointment with an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor. She had her larynx checked and it turned out she had allergies and it caused her to cough continuously. The worst part was, she has been eating the wrong foods and drinking the wrong drinks. She wasn’t supposed to eat anything citrus, drink tea, coffee, milk or anything citrus also. The exact foods I have been insisting she take. Bad, bad, bad. So that’s what doctor’s check ups are for. As they always say, do not self medicate. Huh.

After that, it was my turn to have a general surgeon check the results of my annual physical exam which found something in my breasts. So yesterday, I had a breast ultrasound, and when the technician started clicking on the screen and measuring some black stuff, I got concerned, but she wouldn’t tell me what those are. She tells me to wait for the results. I do hope those are benign lumps just like what was taken out 8 years ago. (Prayers are welcome )

Today, i brought Lex back to his pediatrician (finally, I found someone who we feel very safe and comfortable with near our area) to have his sty and nose checked. Turned out we only need to do warm compress on his eye, and give him a decongestant only when needed. This doctor does not want to give unnecessary medications and explains things very thoroughly, never rushing his patients out the door.

Before being called by the pediatrician, Lex and I looked at photos displayed at the hospital wall, of surgeons in action – taking out a breast mass. Of course the photos were gross, especially the one that showed the mass and nipples removed. Lex kept asking me what those were. (remember he kept insisting to watch that cesarian section video) So I asked him if he wanted to be a doctor, the one who slices people up (hehe), and I think he liked the idea. Haha. Then he told me I should be one too (hmmm). Anyway, maybe someday we can be classmates in medical school. Why not, right?

So lesson learned this week – seek advice from the expert. Do not self medicate.

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Update: I got the results of the breast ultrasound, and the doc said I have nothing to worry about. I will just have to come back for another test 6 months from now, to see if anything changes. But for now, I can relax.

For the past 2 weeks, Lex, Mama and I have been sick. Mama and Lex had coughs, and I had fevers and colds. Lex and Mama both had their x-rays done, and the doctor even considered tuberculosis for Mama. To which I told her, er, stay away? Hehehe. Then the surprise came – Mama’s lungs were clear (thank God!), but Lex’s wasn’t. The x-ray reading said: “Consider primary complex”. Primary complex is tuberculosis in children. While the doctor explained that children are not contagious, adults are. And if Lex indeed has it, then he got it from an adult. Since Mama and I had our x-rays done recently, and we were both clear, then if Lex is positive, it must be my brother or the maid.

The pediatrician gave me two options: start primary complex medication, which lasts for 6 months with three different medicines, or have a skin test done, and if Lex turns out to be negative, then he only needs 3 months medication using only one medicine. So I had the skin test done. The doc said if his skin swells within 2 days, then it is positive. If the skin appears normal and we couldn’t find where he had the injection in the first place, then it is negative.

Thank God, Lex tested negative. So now he will just have to take medications once a day for 3 months. He was prescribed with Isoniazid + Pyridoxine HCl (250 mg /5 mL), which is treatment for tuberculosis. He will take it early in the morning on an empty stomach.

So there. Another health scare. I was preparing for the worst, after Lex had pneumonia twice before he was 3 yo.

I am glad that despite the hassle, we are recovering. Hopefully, the worst has passed.

A new book – sometimes that’s all I need to wake me up from this zombie-ness that I have been in. I’m really not good at doing book reviews, but anyway, the last book that I read, Be the Hero by Noah Blumenthal reminded me of another strong, powerful book, Leadership and Self-Deception. The good thing about Be the Hero is that it’s short, easier to read, and is “kinder” in its approach. Basically, both book tells us that the stories we tell ourselves ultimately affects the way we see life, the way we treat others, and the way we forge through our future. Leadership and Self-Deception’s “thinking out of the box” approach is similar to Be the Hero’s “what does the hero see? / what will the hero do?” approach.

In simpler terms, our moods, our attitude, is affected by what we think, whether it’s true or not. And most times, we only look at ourselves, we think of our needs, our rights, our wants, me, me, me! Thinking out of the box, or being a hero, thinks of the other person – how come she acts like that? Why did he say that? Maybe, she is going through some rough situation and she did not mean to … and we start becomeing empathetic. Not that we have to always make excuses for other people’s actions, but it is trying to take the focus off ourselves, and actually try to see others.

Well, reading the book is best if you want to really understand what I’m talking about. My point is – we read lots of books about the same things. Yet, in my case, I still forget to learn. Well, I shouldn’t.

Recently, I have been “in the box”, blaming other people for my being in a miserable state (miserable only in my point of view, of course). And reading some parts of the book made me feel uncomfortable (just like when I was reading Leadership… it felt like being whacked on the head), that I wanted to scream at the author “so, what are YOU saying, huh?!!!” Hahaha, I know, it’s really stupid. But I guess, in a way, the book has worked for me, because it stirred up all these emotions, that it forced me to understand the book and reflect about my life. Isn’t that what the books are for?

Anyway, I do hope that in the days to come, I can stick to the “hero stories”, and get rid of the “victim stories”. Be on solution mode. God provides. We have the solution. In fact, we are the solution, don’t you think?

How much time do we need to spend to know that a person is worth loving?

I have been wondering about this these past days. Actually, I have been wondering about a LOT of things. They are pretty overwhelming and i don’t know if I even want to say what these are exactly.

People set standards for everything. That is to make things more effective and efficient. Imagine having different voltage levels for residential electricity users. If your neighbor borrows your microwave oven and it is rated 110 V, and your neighbor uses 240V, goodluck. Or rather, goodbye microwave. So we have set the residential voltage level to be 110 in the states, and in the Philippines, it’s 220V. That’s why when I was young, I broke some appliances because some were gifts from relatives who came home from the states, and I plugged them directly instead of using a transformer first.

And so, people set standards and people expect you to follow. The standards have expanded to cover even the way we live – what house to buy, what job to take, even our kids’ education, what kind of birthday party to give to our five year old… Then there’s set rules on what kind of man or woman you should choose, otherwise, people would raise their eyebrows and who knows what else they would raise, and it’s like you’re expected to explain or apologize. Imagine, apologizing to your parents for falling in love with a maid, or a security guard. Fall in love with a business tycoon? no problem. Fall in love with a janitor? Goodluck.

So, we have set standards. I myself am guilty of it. What can i do, I grew up with virtual walls in my mind. Anyone more than two years older or younger, is out of the list. Like, if I’m a circuit, I have a +/- 2V tolerance level. Anything beyond that will break the circuit. Anything beyond what I have set for myself will not ‘break’ my life, but it will ‘break’ the ‘image’ I have set for myself. And since I came from the best university in the country, I have unintentionally set another standard – if a man can’t handle the fact that I’m better than him in any aspect, get lost.

Living within the standards is safe. But as they say, anything that will make you feel alive, is outside what is safe. Living within the standard is called existence. Living outside your comfort zone is called life.

Of course I know that. But it’s not what we know, right? It’s what we do.

So I think about all these and I suddenly realize – God doesn’t set standards for loving us. I’m not saying that since He loves us so much, we can all do whatever we want and ignore His teachings. Rather, He loves us regardless, with the intention of helping us have a change of heart and return to Him.

God’s love is just plain crazy. Meaning, we can’t comprehend it at all, so I say it’s crazy. and in life, when we have set all these standards for whatever, God interferes and breaks down all the walls we have set up for ourselves. It is ironic that when I tell myself, “I would never…”, something happens and I end up doing whatever it is I try to avoid. And after that, I realize – it’s not that bad.

So how long do we need to realize that love has come in our midst, and that it is real? The standards say a lot. My standards say maybe a year. Ok, a few months? Heck, a few weeks?

And that is just the “time aspect”. Don’t even ask me about everything else. Suffice it to say, God’s signs of love have shattered every standard I have set. Every single one. Except for the core of the matter – the most important aspects.

Anyway, my colleague have mentioned before, at how we lower our standards to the brink of desperation because we simply do not want to live life alone. It’s scary to think that I would come to that point. I hope I never have to. I hope that my Joseph comes before that happens.

”I used to believe I couldn’t grow up right without a father, that I would ever be ‘normal’ without one. But maybe a father is really a luxury after all. Maybe you could grow up without one.”
–Augusten Burroughs, “A Wolf at the Table”

Today is Fathers Day. We went to church today, and the ironic thing is I went with my Mama, my son and my nephew. My Papa wasn’t with us (my parents have been separated since I was 16), my son’s father wasn’t with us (we didn’t end up together) and my nephew’s dad (my borther) opted to stay at home. So we practically went without any of the fathers.

I ended up praying for all the not-so-wonderful fathers out there, and I said “Dear Lord, I pray for those fathers… pwede po ba, paki-batukan naman sila. Nakakainis na eh.” Hahaha.

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The mass ended with kids giving a Fathers day presentation. It was the Children’s Mass so they prepared a surprise for the fathers. It was nice. There were a lot of fathers who were there, but I couldn’t help but wish these kids’ fathers were there to feel the love too.

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I was reading the Parish newsletter today. It said something about how “fatherless” today’s society has become, and how the next generation will practically grow up without any father in their lives. OUCH. While my son still has a father, we all know being a biological father who sends some money every month is not what kind of father a child needs. As a father, you can give all the riches of the world to your child, but if you are not there, you will not gain your child’s love and respect.

The newsletter went on that this “phenomenon”, if you will, is a threat to society. And it must be solved NOW.

Then I went on to read the next page, and saw wedding banns. It’s a portion of the newsletter where all of the scheduled weddings are posted, along with the names and photos of couples to inform everyone that they are getting married, and so anyone who knows of a legal impediment for any of them to do so can do something about it. Anyway, I was thinking, while looking at the photos, how men usually “prepare” for marriage. Their main concern is the financial stability. They think that to be a good husband and father, they should be a good provider. I agree, of course. But if that’s all you do, then you are just as good as your wife’s job, or the bank, or a charity – they all provide money and benefits. Heck, your wife can just opt to NOT marry you and make her own fortune! Being a family man goes beyond the financial aspect. Of course, we all KNOW that. Men who grew up without memories of their fathers KNOW that. Men who grew up with pathetic, useless, monstrous fathers KNOW that. But as they say, knowing without doing is nothing. Sigh.

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A lot of thoughts flowed through my mind during that one hour I spent in church today.

I was thinking of why God called himself Father. Why not Mother? Or brother? Or leader? Or king? Why FATHER?

Then I thought, maybe it’s because God knew that people will need a Father to turn to. Because most mothers will stick it out with their kids no matter the challenge, but a lot of fathers won’t. So women will need a husband, and children, a father. And Jesus can be both.

Now isn’t that profound?

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I read in a blogger’s book review about Augusten Burrough’s book and his view about fathers. He said that “fathers are a luxury”, and I couldn’t agree more.

It’s funny, in a very sad way, that people have become so used to seeing families without a father, or whose fathers don’t deserve to be there. They just shrug it off and say, oh well, he’s a jerk.

But when you find out about a family whose mother walked out on them? Oh you would think that is the most evil woman in the planet. A woman who runs away with another man, and leaves her kids behind. Oh she deserves to rot in hell. And men who do that? Oh, well, he’s a man, what can you do? He’s rich, good looking, oh he’s got that gorgeous body. Marry a man like that, expect the worst.

Wo-hoow. That’s how sick society has become. And you get hurt when your sister marries someone like that. You blame God when your daughter ends up being a battered wife and your grandkids are abused by their father.

I don’t know who to blame. Sometimes, men have wonderfula parents and end up being abusive. I don’t know. Heck, I don’t know if despite trying so hard to be a good mom, if my son will end up being a good man, or someone worse than his father. I sure pray that he becomes a good man. No matter if he’s not an achiever. I just want my son to be a good person, a good man worthy of love and genuine respect. I just have no idea how to teach him that if all he sees is my father, his father, his other grandfather, and every man in our family who failed to be a good one.

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Sometimes, I wonder, if I could have gotten a life better than this if my father just did what he had to do. See, he was a good father. He never hurt us physically, never yelled at us. He was so kind, in fact, he couldn’t say no especially to his friends. So what broke our family wasn’t because of something he did to us. But what he did not do for us. He could not say no to temptation.

Eventually, the truth had to come out. His mistress was someone who lived in the same town. A mother of one of my friends in the Parish Youth Ministry. What aggravated the situation was that he lost his job, and my brother started his own family at 19 yo. And I had to go to college. So the rest is history, and every time I missed a concert at the university, or I couldn’t join a field trip because I was so ashamed to ask for more money from my uncle, I would blame my father.

It was a good thing that my uncle and aunt were somehow religious and were active in church. I still remember my aunt talked to me and told me to just do my best and whatever my family is going through, it will pass and that I should learn to forgive my father. I knew she didn’t like him, she knew things that I didn’t. But I guess, as a parent, she was just trying to help me and guide me. I’m sure my aunt has forgotten about that talk. I am thankful, though, that I still remember.

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I am wondering what my father and what Lex’s father are thinking of, and how they feel about themselves. I’m wondering if it is normal for men to be … insensitive and irresponsible. Whether they worry about their kids, or they are thankful that they get to enjoy their lives while claiming the title “father” without having to work for it. I wonder if their hearts beat for their children as well, or only for themselves. I wonder.

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If you are a father, please do the world a favor. Please, be good at it. Please, love your wife. Be faithful to her. Please, love your children. Be a hero to them. Please, enjoy doing it. Cherish your fatherhood. Be happy to be a father and a husband. Be a necessity, not a luxury. Let fatherhood be a constant presence in the family, and not a rarity.

If you are a father and you have no role model because yours was not there for you, please, do not look far. We all know who we should turn to in these circumstances. God (Jesus) is father to the fatherless. And let your family guide you as well. After all, you can have all the info, but you still have to do it.

Break the cycle, if you have an irresponsible, abusive or apathetic father, let him be the last one. Break the cycle. Start a new culture. Start anew. You owe it to your kids, your grandkids, their grandkids.

And if you’re gonna do it anyway, please, do it well. So when the day comes, your family will be proud to greet you.

Happy Fathers Day.

Change.

It’s always challenging. I can say “difficult”, but “challenging” makes it… like I can do it.

so there are a lot I need to change – like the way I dress, the way I do my hair (or that should be, I should do my hair hehe!), the way I respond to people and situations…

But yes, I do know that the most important thing I need to change is my attitude.

It is my natural personality to be pessimistic and negative. I am in that category – I’m one of the people who whine about everything, procrastinate, always plays it safe, never takes risks, generally shy in person, not confrontational, and can never say ‘no’. I am also the one that has to make sure everything is right before I start, and I punish myself for my faults, and it’s hard for me to forgive – especially myself.

Most of those things are not good for me, but I know I can’t just suddenly become the opposite. It takes a lot of work, and patience. But I do recognize that I need to change, if I really want people to respond differently, and if I want to be happier with myself.

No need to impress anyone, or to try to help anyone at my expense. No more pity party, no more trying to chase people or things that are simply out of reach. It’s time to look forward with hope and expectation that I can be better. That one day, I can actually be proud of myself.

A work in progress.

I am in the process of becoming the person that, when I look in the mirror, I can tell the reflection that “You are worthy”.

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The song that tells me to… come on! Do it now!

Dare You To Move
by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

My hand hurts. I wrote down the things Idon’t like in a relationship, and opposite that, the things I do like. i listed down a looot of things that my left hand hurt. Let me give you a sampling of what’s in my list.

I don’t like that he is materialistic and puts social status on top of his priority list.
I do like that he believes that character matters more than reputation.

I don’t like that he is narrow-minded and does not listen to what i have to say.
I do like that he is open minded and listens to what I have to say even if he does not agree with it.

I don’t like that he does not communicate openly.
I do like that he communicates openly in a loving and kind manner.

That’s just three items, I think I listed down 50 already. Hehe… And with just those three, do you think that person exists? Wait, I think I need to put that on the list…

I don’t like that my lifetime partner does not exist.
I do like that my lifetime partner is in the process of finding his way to me.

So I’ve been reading some stuff to help me get out of this self-pity party I’ve been into for the past several months. And one of the first things I have to do is list down what I do not like in all aspects of my life. Which, by the way, will take some time because that will be a loong list.

But the challenging part is this: to place on the opposite side of what I do not want – the things I do want. How do i want it to be.

We often complain about things we don’t like- the bad things about the food, the job, the stress, the relationships – the list goes on. and most times, we get stuck with that thought. It drains out our energy.

I’ll do this exercise and see what I’ll come up with. Maybe I’ll share some of them as it progresses.

While I do that, why don’t you do the same? Ask yourself – “If I do not want / like this, then what DO I want?”

nothing happens by chance. I’ve heard and read that line, in different ways, over and over. And this time, I believe it even more.

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been in touch with my team. I haven’t attended Taekwondo sessions. I haven’t talked to friends. I have been too “sheltered” and I got a lot of things on my mind that a week would pass, and I haven’t done anything THAT relevant. All I did was think. The end.

Earlier this week, I was thinking of some things (again), and how I’ve been psyching myself about “I think I deserve better, but I’m like this and like that… so I guess I don’t. But I do, but then I don’t…” I know it sounds like I’m going crazy. But anyway, I remember a movie scene where one character says “you can’t give what you don’t have”, and somehow, like an angel whispered, I thought of a line, which is – you cannot receive what you are not willing to accept. Which also means – things won’t happen unless you allow it.

So I had that thought in my mind, and I was thinking (that word again) about how my self talk has been affecting my life. I’ve read a lot of books and listened to a lot of people say that negative self talk is VERY dangerous. And I know, I feel that it is. I’ve been WANTING things to happen, and they don’t, because I always say – it can’t happen, I don’t deserve it. my bad.

Today, I’m glad I went to our monthly function with my team. It has been a non-negotiable commitment that I made, that no matter how unproductive I’ve been, I will join the team during functions. So I went, and saw my coach’s new book. Then I started telling him about my earlier thoughts and that line about allowing things to happen. Then his face lit up and he showed me a small card. Turned out that the days I wasn’t in touch, they have been with our Malaysian mentors, and this couple has been telling them about how books and motivational materials have been telling people to visualize what they want, and to affirm to themselves that they can have it. But the last step is missing. That is, to ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN. (they got that lesson from a book)

I was overwhelmed. It’s like, wow, do we have some sort of connection or what? But I know that it did not happen by chance. As they say, everything you need, are already here. God does not make fun of us – He provides us with exactly what we need at the right time. And at this time, that message is exactly what I need. And today, I am again reminded: the time is now.

I used to put on my cellphone “You CAN”. But I already know that. I know I can. I need to change that to “I will”.