while I'm waiting…

We usually take things (or people) for granted, and we only realize how important they are when things are lost or damaged, or when relationships get broken, or when people fade away…

In this case, I learned how important my body is when I suddenly had this weird feeling. A week ago, it was my first time to have difficulty breathing. Since I was already having coughs for a week, I just brushed it off. But it got more uncomfortable to the point that I had to cough really hard (which is annoying and embarrassing at the same time). I felt my air passage constrict, more like how it feels when you have clogged nose. The next day, I decided to take the day off and rest. I still felt bad physically. The next day, I went to the doctor. She prescribed anti biotics and had an x-ray done to see whether its pneumonia. It wasn’t. She insisted that I take the medication for a week before I get another test done.

A week after, I still had the cough. Usually, the anti biotics would get rid of it, but not this time. So the doc requested for a test to see if I have asthma. Well, I have skin asthma (basically allergies), and my eldest brother had respiratory asthma as a kid. So the doc said I might have it too.

It turned out I do. Have asthma.

Well, a lot of people have it, but I kinda got scared. A colleague of mine has asthma and she can’t stand carpeted rooms. I even had to change a meeting venue because she couldn’t breathe in the training room. I got scared that I’d be hypersensitive like her that I can’t stay in hotels because of a carpeted floor.

Anyway, I’m given some medication (which reminds me, I need to take them now), and I’ll be having the next check up in a month’s time.

My mom comforted me and said no one dies of an asthma attack. I am glad. Then she said people don’t die of asthma, they die of heart complications. Thanks, Mama. That makes me feel a loooot better.

I took five days off (that included the weekend and the election day), but as soon as I got back to work today, I had a difficult time breathing again. There is something in the office that triggers the asthma attack. I hate the feeling. But I need to go to work. Sigh.

I never realized how much I took breathing for granted. If you are able to breathe despite of the heat, the cold, carpeted floors, fluffy pets and fully bloomed flower gardens, then thank the Lord. Some people have to go to the bathroom just to be able to breathe deep because everywhere else is dusty.

I was mostly at home this weekend, and I didn’t do anything “productive”. I feel a bit sad, but mostly, I feel numb. Like, I don’t care about responsibilities at the moment. I just want to be lazy, surf the net, watch TV, take afternoon naps.

But tomorrow’s monday again, and I have to be back to my “responsible” self. See, when the bills come, I wake up and realize, darn. No one’s gonna do things for me. Sigh.

Sometimes, I wish I can go back to just being a kid who doesn’t have a clue about what’s really going on.

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Someone out there is going through tough times. Someone, who is forced to face the pain of being left behind, of being insulted and denied. Pretty much like how it was for me. But this is much worse, because they are married, and they have a kid. And when you are married and your husband DENIES you in front of everybody, the pain is worse than anything else. I feel for her. And I am glad she’s toughing up and is taking the necessary steps to be free.

I always wonder why guys could do that. Sometimes, when I hear of a man who is so heartbroken he wants to kill himself, I silently laugh at him and say “that’s for all the women your kind has hurt. bastard.” I know it’s not fair. Let’s just say, we all have the right to be (silently) bitter sometimes.

————

It’s weird, that even though I am making an effort to move forward and not let the past trap me anymore, I am forced to look back and remember. Because someone asks me how it was, how I dealt with it, how “he” dealt with it. And I have to share, because this person is going through a similar situation. Well, with all honesty, I know that I have somehow moved on, and I no longer have the desire to get back together. But it’s like, I am not supposed to forget. Because someone else might need the info. Sigh.

———-

I showed Lex his father’s photo BTW. And Lex just said “what is that?”. I told him, that’s your daddy. Then suddenly, Lex shoved the photo away and made this “i don’t care who that is” face. It’s really odd. I insisted on showing him the photo but he didn’t want to look at it anymore. I am surprised, confused, and worried.

I texted his father about it, and he said something like, “it’s expected, because he has been hearing bad things about me”. And i replied something like “excuse me. we never talk about you. I do not allow anyone to tell my son bad things about you because I know how it feels to have people say bad things about my father. My family isn’t like most people out there you know”. Geez. I just hate that he thinks we are like people he knows in his neighborhood who talk trash about people. Lex doesn’t even know he has a father because we don’t talk about it. And I prefer that we don’t. We can discuss it some other time when he starts asking questions.

He just doesn’t have an idea how much I tried to protect him from my family. How much I tried to keep this “issue” between the two of us and no longer drag my family into the picture. He had no idea why I attended hearings all by myself. He has no idea that my family does not decide for me.

—————-

Can you believe he’s asking for a birthday gift from me? I told him, you didn’t even give Lex a birthday gift and a Christmas gift last year. We’re not related, so why would I give you a gift?

Haha. I know. Harsh.

———–

See, 5 years. And I still blog about “him”! Darn. Oh well, that means I need to read more new books. (connect?)

But then I watch war movies now. Watched part 5 of The Pacific today. Maybe that’s an indication that I have totally moved forward. Soldiers being killed, bombs, etc. etc.doesn’t bother me anymore. Just don’t let me watch Army Wives.

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I know I sound annoying about not wanting to blog about the past but still it finds its way through  my posts. Maybe it’s true, I heard somewhere, that people dwell in the past because there are no new memories yet that will surpass it. Something like that. While my experience as a mom has been priceless, it’s not something that will make the past seem like a dream (duh, it even solidifies the past because of its “result”!). Anyway, life is calling. I know it’s time to make new memories. New, worthwhile, priceless memories. With people who matter more than what was.

——-

Watched Ghost Town on HBO today. I liked the soundtrack. And the story. Here’s one of the songs. It fits where I’m at.

(movie trailer)

What I’m Looking For

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Looking for…
What I’m looking for…

If you want to go on a roller coaster ride for as low as PhP 7.00, all you need to do is take a jeepney ride from Marikina Bayan to Concepcion. Make sure you choose the jeepney that has a lot of decorations on the front, and plays extremely loud music.Yes, the ones who have a “conductor” seated beside the driver and shouts “o sakay na, sakay na, maluwag pa, konting ipit lang dyan, sampuan yan!!!”

the amazing thing is, regardless of the passengers’ physical size, the seating capacity is constant. So if there are five obese people seated on one side and has already taken all the space, the conductor and driver will insist that the seating capacity is for 10 people and will force the passengers to squeeze themselves to create more space. Some “big” passengers are kind enough to pay double the fare just so they wouldn’t be inconvenienced. Unfortunately for me, since I am petite, I have always become a “filler” when I am desperate to get a ride. You can imagine me squeezing my tiny butt between big passengers and a space on the seat magically appears. Ah, thank God for slim people like me. There are times when I wonder whether big and/or obese people feel bad about taking too much space in passenger vehicles. I don’t want to sound discriminating, but that’s my experience.

Anyway, these jeepneys run like the driver is immortal. They would swerve and over take, and would do so even if the car on the opposite lane is already 100 meters ahead. Man, only in the Philippines would you see jeepneys act like they’re drag racing. I would hold on to the rail, pray to God while cussing under my breath when the driver turns the stirring wheel left and right like he’s playing in the arcade. My typical roller coaster jeepney ride prayer would go like this:

“Oh, dear God, (put….na!), sorry po, sorry po, please keep us safe (p*cha!!!). God, sorry po ulit. Turuan mo po ng leksyon tong lechecng driver na to. Pero wag po muna ngayon, pag nakababa na po ako…”

You wouldn’t believe how these jeepney drivers manage not to kill their passengers of heart attack. I don’t think these drivers passed an exam to get their license, since you can pay for a driver’s license even if you are not capable of driving. Sigh. such is the sad state of our Land Transportation Office.

I’m sure that when these jeepneys go into accidents, all the drivers could say is “I’m sorry…”, and you have no other choice but to pay for all your hospital and funeral bills. Darn.

But then again, since I have no car, I will have to take roller coaster rides often.