while I'm waiting…

(Blueberry cheesecake at French Baker, a dinner treat for myself last friday, forced myself to finish it, kakabusog pala! (after I ate a full meal kasi))

I have always been terrified of turning thirty. I have no idea how it happened, but I guess it’s because I have always heard other people say you should be married by thirty otherwise, you will be categorized an “old maid”. Although I don’t exactly fit in that category because I have a child already, but the idea of having a zero lovelife is just… sad, scary – basta, a major negative feeling.

But the world turns and the days fly by, and this tiny girl who people used to call “bonsai”, “lizard” and “mosquito” (my classmates are mean), is still tiny, but in terms of experience and “wisdom” I would like to think I am as big as an elephant (I’d be a whale when I turn 60, and a dinosouar when I reach 80).

Wisdom. Do I really have it? Most times I feel like I haven’t changed emotionally since I was 15, when I had my first boyfriend and I’d get upset if he ignores me the whole day (he does that just to avoid being the subject of teachers’ gossips hehehe). Anyway, I just cannot stand not getting my beloved’s attention. Ha-ha. Maybe it’s hard wired in me because I grew up being the special one in the family, being my father’s only girl and being both grandfathers’ youngest granddaughter.

But yeah, wisdom. The wisdom to choose to forgive (which is a very challenging endeavor, believe me). And the awakening that it is true that God answers prayers – although He packages the gifts in ways I do not expect, or hope for. Nonetheless, He answers them. The answers may not be what I asked for exactly, but there will always be an answer – “yes”, “no”, “why not get this instead of that”, or “you already have that you are just looking at the wrong direction”. Oh, and there is probably the answer that says “you are asking the same question”, hahaha! (that probably comes when I ask God, why??? over and over)

So yeah, this post is as incoherent as my real handwriting. So what can I say on the eve of my birthday?

Thank You, God, for letting my parents keep me, the unexpected baby. And thank You, for giving me Lex, the unplanned baby, because he simply reminds me that there is enough reason for me to live another day. Every day.

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Thanks guys, for the advance birthday greetings! Special mention si Harold, who called me on the 2nd of September to greet me (akala ko eh for the first time in 13 years he has forgotten the date hahaha!), before he forgets daw pala.

And thanks to my green eyed teddy bear for keeping in touch.

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand, and chaining a soul…
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and presents are not promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity not a grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns you if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you are really strong
and that you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn…

– Veronica Shoftstall

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Thanks, Laiza, for sharing this piece of paper with me. Indeed, we can endure. So for my birthday, I’ll buy myself some flowers not because I’m desperate, but because I love myself! And I love fresh flowers. No parties for my 30th year, but I would love to drink lots and get drunk by myself. Hmm… I am now excited.

Last Friday, my colleague and I decided to hang out together since it has been a while since we have gone out. So she offered to have some wine in their home, but we had dinner out first and I bought some barbeque on the way. I was hoping to buy barbeque at Dannylicious in Project 4, unfortunately, it has moved to another location, instead, a new barbeque house stood where Dannylicious used t be. The barbeque tasted fine, but a little bit on the sweet side. I miss Dannylicious! I have to find out where it has relocated.But okay, maybe after September. I ate a lot of isaw in 2 days, I have to keep my cholesterol in check hehehe.

Anyway, my colleague and I were having a good time talking and sipping wine at her place when my brother texted me, that Lex was rushed to the hospital because his face and the rest of his body were swollen, with red patches. Allergy. It was great that my colleague and her husband took me home and Lex was there already by the time I arrived. The doc gave him some antihistamine, and we just had to wait. Good thing it only affected his skin, and not his respiratory system. Lex had a potluck in school earlier in the day and ate something that might have triggered the allergy. The doc said that most likely, it was the cooking oil used in frying the banana he ate.

Lex looked really awful that night, even after some of the patches have subsided. His face looked like it was hit – a bit of red and swelling on the lips and the forehead.

Anyway, I am just glad he is safe, but man, this is like the nth health scare in the past month! But well, ok, I’ll take the “health scare”, as long as it’s nothing really serious (and expensive hehe).

So, take care of your health and your family, folks!

I met with my good friend Ani last night, a week after she lost her baby in a miscarriage. She is doing fine, and is always positive about everything, which makes me feel great to have her as my friend. She has every reason to be sad, bitter or lonely, but somehow, she sees the good things even in the worst of situations. So she told me about how she has had her baby placed in a bottle before they bury it in a few months time, when her husband comes home.

Anyway, the great part is talking to her about the recent changes in my life, which I haven’t really shared with most people yet, especially my family. But anyway, I am glad she supports me in my decision and is quite excited. See, she was one of my friends who were there when all the drama about Lex’s dad happened, so she saw how I changed, from being in-love, to hopeful, to heart broken. She has seen me struggle through the case, the responsibilities and frustrations. So now that everything is turning well, I guess somehow she believes I deserve to be happy – finally.

To think, that just last month, I was so frustrated at how rejected I felt and how hopeless I thought I was in being in any sort of a relationship.

She talked about focusing on what oyu want, and I was like, yes, exactly! I was just reading a book about that – about desiring something, and actually allowing yourself to have it when the chance comes up. What happens to most people is, when a chance comes, they push it away because of fear. In my case, there is a great deal of fear and apprehension, but I am going after it anyway, knowing that in the end, whatever people have to say will not matter, because ultimately, those other people who might have some opinion, are not the people who will be there for me anyway. So why bother thinking about what they might think? My good friend thinks I deserve it, and my best friend Jo thinks I should go for it. Maybe my family will understand later on, but for now, I will have to wait till the right time.

And now I am allowing the good things to come my way.

Do you ever wonder how so and so can be in love with so and so, when so and so looks like this and has such and such attitude, etc. etc.?

I myslef wonder, how people can love someone totally unloveable in our point of view. But I guess that’s love, real, genuine love. Sometimes though, love and obsession can be confused and people end up being miserable in the end.

If I knew how to distinguish between the two, it would be way easier.

So when do I decide that I love a person? As in in-love, with hopes of forever.

I wish I can really give a clear answer. But until now, I am still lost. Standards change, and somehow, we mature and what was unacceptable before becomes irrelevant now. I usually stay away from people with “a past”, but now that I too, have “a past”, it has become acceptable, depending on whether the person has totally moved on. In fact, it has its advantages, since we have gained wisdom from the past that we are more confident of handling problems in the future.

So what is my point. I guess, for now, I can say that I love not because of what the person is (of course there are important considerations), but more of how the person makes me feel.

And for now, someone makes me feel really beautiful despite of. And because of that, i have learned to see the beauty in him despite of.

by Savage Garden

Whether I’m right or wrong
There’s no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We’ll be in the dirt designing stars

You are..
So Beautiful

I barely knew my grandfather (my father’s dad). All I know is that he was a World War II veteran, eventually became part of the Philippine Army and retired as an Army Captain. I have learned more about him recently when we were “reunited” with the rest of the Bacani clan, since my uncles have spent a lot of time with him.

One thing I remember about him was that he traveled from Ilocos Sur to Cavite (around 400 plus km., and more than 10 hrs. bus ride) to visit my brother, and that he was the one who was there during my brother’s wedding in my father’s place (we were still not in good terms with my father that time). And during that time, when our family had a crisis, my grandfather GAVE me his bank book so I could withdraw his pension money EVERY MONTH and help us out financially. It was not really a huge amount but he was living off his pensions and he had to give up one of them. I guess, in a way, it is his way of compensating for having a (once) irresponsible son (sorry Papa, you know that’s true hehe).

Anyway, recent events in the family has inspired my cousin to rummage through his mom’s old photos, scanned them and posted them on Facebook. Here, I share some of the photos of my grandfather, the highly respected (but almost forgotten) Capt. Juan Bacani.

My uncle’s comment on FB: “uncle john must be in college here, enrolled at centro escolar also takin dentistry. second year college siya when WWII broke up. he was recruited. lolo hugo and dad just learned about it thru relatives. the next time they saw him was at death march. classic no?”

My uncle’s comment on FB: “i think this is in fort magsaysay, uncle john was assigned in tabak division of the army”

(Written at the back)
Dec. 31, 1966
“Scene was taken in front of Saigon Catholic Cathedral. Jeep is a PHILCAG, one driven by a Sgt. Reyes whom I requested to make the shot. It is in this vicinity where Filipinos by the hundreds meets and stroll especially after Sunday mass. Saigon”

(Written at the back)
Saigon, Vietnam Dec. 21/1967
“To Emy,

Love Daddy”
(Emy is my father’s youngest sister)

With this photo, my father’s cousin, Tito Willie recalled how Lolo Juan showed his concern for the family: “when he was long retired from the service i was asking him to give me his 45cal…this is what he told me (translated from Kapampangan to Tagalog) ‘Loko, nuong galing ako ng Vietnam nag-uwi ako ng baril, kahit gaano pa..di ko inisip na bigyan ko kayo ng baril..ngayon pa!..hindi nyo kailangan ng baril..husto na.. na ako na lang ang humawak ng baril sa mga Bacani’ (When I went back from Vietnam I brought home guns, but even then I didn’t think of giving you one. You do not need it. It is enough that I am last of the Bacani’s to hold a gun.)

(Written at the back)
“Saigon, Vietnam.
Daddy in his rugged attire. This is where I stay and live. Our billet is not seen in picture. It is very cold now. The temperature is 14F. I am wearing a sweater and a leather jacket.”

I may be biased, but hey, my grandfather IS gorgeous, isn’t he?

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Thank you, Lolo Juan, for your memories. And thank you, my uncles and aunts, for sharing his memories with us!

Dear God,

Thank You for this month, the fifth year of my “motherhood”, the fifth year of life with my son, Lex. It has been a great month, and hopefully just the beginning of more wonderful months to come. In the meantime, thank You for…

… my little five year old, Lex! Gosh, it has been five years? and he can speak better now. He tells stories with matching sound effects, facial expressions and actions. He’s adorable (of course, I’m the mom) and is so sweet. He can be a pain at times, especially if he wants something we don’t approve of. He can be very VERY stubborn and persistent. But I think it’s God’s way to train me as a parent. Do you know how it is when coaches give you a hard time, just so you develop mental toughness and physical agility? It’s the same way with Lex. He is God’s practical exam. Thank You God, for Lex. I am up for practical exams every day, if it means more memories and precious moments with my baby

… my very patient Mama, who has taken double responsibility over watching Lex and my nephew. thank You, God, for keeping her health, despite some challenges with hypertension recently. I hope she gets to recover and that the kids will behave more so she won’t get too stressed out. She says the kids are a big headache, which also means “I love these kids, I’d be so lonely without them”. Haha!

… friends. Lovely people who I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, without fear of being judged or stereotyped. Friends who I can reach through phone, chat or mental telepathy (kidding – I wish!). How would my world be without them? I’d probably had gone crazy talking to imaginary creatures… hehe

… the possibilities that make me smile throughout the day accompanied by phone calls and messages and God knows what next (see, smiles )

… my job, my extra-curriculars, my books, my CDs, music, and all the things that take up my time…

… technology, especially the Internet, that gives people an opportunity to stay connected

… reliable cellphones! Overseas phone calls and unlimited texts. And the fact that in the Philippines, we don’t get charged for received calls and text messages.

… green-eyed creatures and giant teddy bears

And I can’t think of more because for now, I am most thankful for LOVE.

A lot of my posts are complaints about my life in general. Right now, I want to complain about my headache. That’s because I didn’t get my dose of coffee. Hmm.

Complaints are annoying. It drains the energy out of me. Yet I do it. Maybe because I’m hoping someone would sympathize. How pathetic. I myself do not want to hang around with negative people.

So change has to be deliberate. It cannot happen without effort.

Focus on the good things. If bad things happen, focus on the lessons – that will lead us to the good things.

So to start this deliberate change to minimize complaining and focus on the blessings, here is a list.

Lex got sick yesterday. He is absent for school today. We gave him some medication and he is okay. He is okay.

I was late for work – again. My fault, I slept till 7am. Got in at 9:06 – come onnnn! anyway, I came in safe. No accidents, no worries. (my colleague got into a vehicular accident yesterday – but she is okay. Just a swollen neck – ouch) Lesson learned – wake up and leave home early.

I’m having a slight headache. That’s because I didn’t drink coffee today. A friend told me about the effect of caffeine and nicotone in the system last night – and the reason it is addictive and it is hard to quit (as in the physiological explanation – insights from his doctor). Now that I understand that, I do not have to worry about my headache. I know the cause, so I can relax and let it pass.

I am bored. BUT I’m supposed to do some writing and reading and more writing. Lesson learned – manage my time! (I am so bad with that – meaning I have to get good at it. Yes?)

I feel lonely – thinking about that mushy relationship stuff again. But then, I should call my best friend and ask her about how her pregnancy is going, and whether she has really decided on getting married or not. Hmm. Lesson learned – so what if I don’t date anyone. There are friends and family who are worth my time and attention. Sayang ang oras sa pagmumukmok, baka pumangit pa ko hehe.

I feel like I don’t have enough money all the time. And when I get to have some spare, something happens – an illness, a family member in need, etc. etc. Like I make money just to give it away. But I used to be at the receiving end of financial “help” before. maybe it’s payback time. At least I have something. It sucks to always have to ask for help. Lesson learned – be thankful. It is always better to give than to receive.

Dear God,

“When you choose to change, grow, and move on, someone or something will come into your life to help you.” — Ralph Bruksos, “It’s Time To Move On!“

In my case, it’s in the form of books – books I did not choose. The books I’ve been reading have all been subscriptions for my business training program. And wow, it’s like they’re choosing books specifically for me.

Thank You, God, for my eyes, my eye glasses and my ability to read and understand. Please bless me with the courage and will to move – to act on what I have been learning. Thank you, for the life you are preparing for me. ‘The best is yet to come’.

Writing has helped me see things in a different light, especially when I have to read on things i don’t usually deal with or think about. Today, I read an article about being single. I have been whining a lot about my status and how impossible it would be to find someone who will accept “someone like me”. I get reassurances every now and then, but none of them wants to be “it”. Ha-ha. They just like telling me “you’ll find him”. Thank you, thank you.

But then again, why whine about something when I can just enjoy it while I’m here? i used to enjoy living alone in my own place without the distractions or the responsibilities. And now that I have a child and aBIG responsibility, I look back and somehow regret all those times that I shut myself in my apartment when I should have gone out with friends more often and traveled around the country.

The good news is that I have a very loving and patient mother who is willing to take care of my son while I work. She even insists that I go out to “meet someone”. She must be very concerned about how I haven’t seen anyone else in 6 years, when I have always had a boyfriend since I was 15. Anyway, she allows me to go out often, and does not nag me about being “irresponsible”. She even tells me “go out, spend money on yourself – get some new clothes for pete’s sake!and those shoes!…” She practically nags me to buy something expensive, to treat myself, not to shortchange myself since I have been the one who is working. I just love it that my mother thinks that way.

So what was I whining about again? Being alone? I think the only sad thing about being unattached is that I have no one to tell how my day has been, and that the other person is actually dying to hear about it. Of course I tell my friends how I am, but you know, I tell them “I’m okay” and they don’t ask me anything else, when in fact, I wanted to say more, but I would not want to waste their time, knowing that they aren’t interested anyway. So there. Friends aren’t always the best people to tell how my foot had some blisters after I bought that cheap pair of shoes, and how delicious that mongo pao in that Chinese restaurant was, and where I found nice winter coats and boots. My friends are not always interested in what I think about the ending of The Pacific, or what I really like about Jacob Black, or what I think the government should do about nuclear energy (I am for it, BTW). My friends will not find it cute when I sing mushy songs and tell them how I like acapella music. I’m not saying I have bad friends. It’s just that, they have lives of their own. And they think that I’m a mom, and moms are content with their kids.

So, anyway, aside from having no one to REALLY talk to, you know, someone who GETS IT, I guess I have no other complaints. I can watch a movie with anyone who wants to go with me. I can dine out alone or with whoever. I can shop without someone nag me on how impractical it is and how I should have just bought baby’s milk instead. I can come home at any time I want, as long as Lex isn’t alone. I can drink as much bottles of beer or glasses of liquor without anyone telling me to stop. I can spend time on hobbies and the only person I need to spend quality time with is my son. I get to relax and go straight to sleep when I get home, since I have no “obligations” to a “husband”. I can get all fat and ugly and the man in my life won’t mind (oh my Lex loves pinching my flabs hahaha!). I can design my future this way, and change my mind tomorrow, and there is no problem. I can move anywhere in the world without worrying about leaving someone behind.

The blessings of being single. Of being in control.

Dear God,

zahflo

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PS. I know that you guys know I can afford to buy my own books, but I am very sentimental, so please give me a copy of Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul for my birthday. Hehe. (I know it’s still in September, but who said you have to wait?)