while I'm waiting…

My son will be turning five this year, and I will be 30. Fast forward – he will be 10 and I, 35. Super fast forward – he will be 20, and I, 45. I wonder how our lives will be then?

Since Lex turned 6 months old, we were “on our own”. And I picked up the pieces of my broken dreams and tried to plan our lives as just me and Lex, and my Mama. See, my Mama came back to live with me when I became a single parent.

But I know that my Mama will have to live her own life too, and eventually, it will be just me and Lex. Sometimes, I hope for that special someone to come in our lives and have a complete family so Lex will not have to go through a difficult childhood. But most times, when I hear horror stories of marriages breaking and children being abused by step parents, I become thankful of my status and I sort of psych myself that I should never – ever get married. And of course, I should not make the same irresponsible mistake of getting pregnant again.

So how has it been for me as a single parent? I get the best of both worlds, I guess. I get to spend time with my son, and I don’t have to “share” him with in-laws. Ahh, and the best part – no in-laws to deal with. No one to judge me that I’m a worthless mother. No one to tell my son that “your mom isn’t taking care of you, see, you’re sick again!”. No one to tell me how to discipline my son, where to send him to school, what clothes to buy for him. And most of all, no one to judge me for not working hard enough to buy my son toys and fancy stuff. (If I have in-laws like that, I’ll make sure their son is terrorized the same way by my parents, hmp!)

I get to go out with friends, I get to choose what hobbies to pursue. And no one tells me not to go with such and such because he is getting jealous. Haha!

The downside – people judge me. Sure they say “oh, I admire you for your strength”, “oh you are so strong”, etc. etc. Well, I do appreciate those, if they mean to encourage me. But I know that people, men in particular, look down on my status because I am a single parent. And if you are a guy, you know that you do not want to date someone like me. Someone who could become financially dependent on you, someone who could be passing on the responsibility to you, someone who have issues from the past that you have to deal with too. And that’s what keeps me from trusting people. Because I know they are trying to be kind and polite, but I also know that one little mistake and I’m done. I would be that single mom who messed up. And I would have to worry about my son, that he will have to grow up and find out how miserable I am.

But am I really miserable? Will I be dependent on a man to raise my son? Will I marry for money? Most women do. Maybe I can. But I’d rather not. Because simply, I wasn’t raised that way.

Single parenthood has taught me to be strong, to stand up for myself, and to redeem my self worth by fighting. I still need to learn how not to cry, but I hope the time will come when I can face “them” and I don’t have to feel weak and worthless anymore.

Single parenthood has taught me to be more compassionate and considerate of others. It has also taught me to not depend on others for everything. I know I do need help, but there are responsibilities that are non-negotiable and non-transferable, one of which is raising my son.

Single parenthood has taught me to find ways to make sure we don’t just get by, but that we can have a real future to look forward to. I have learned not to depend on other people’s decisions, to wait for help to come. I have learned that it is the simple joys of having a child that makes all the pain so worth it.

While I have all the personal insecurities, I also fear for my son. I have met people who grew up without a father and they claim that life would have been better for them if their father was around. I have met one very successful person who I assume grew up without a father, but I have yet to know if his success is for real, or just a facade. I do hope it is for real, and that he does not feel incomplete. Then maybe, just maybe, it is possible for Lex to grow up with just his mother, and not have that gaping hole in his heart.

Well, just for your info, Lex’s dad is still alive (sometimes I hope not for long – I know – BAD!), but just like the others out there, he lives conveniently knowing that his son is taken cared of, and that I am capable of raising him without help. He does give “support”, if you can call an amount half my monthly tax as one. But anyway, it is hard to force a man to give what he is not willing to, so fine. Single parenthood has taught me to accept whatever “blessing” came my way, and that includes that monthly “allowance” for Lex.

So after too much ranting, I know in the end I have to be thankful for having a very convenient life of not having to answer for anyone but my God, my Mama and my son. And they all love me much much more than I deserve.