while I'm waiting…

My previous blog post was about health issues in our family. This week, all of us went to the doctor for another round of check ups. My Mama’s cough didn’t subside despite her taking anti-biotics and cough medications, and her x-ray showed her lungs to be clear. She decided to have an appointment with an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor. She had her larynx checked and it turned out she had allergies and it caused her to cough continuously. The worst part was, she has been eating the wrong foods and drinking the wrong drinks. She wasn’t supposed to eat anything citrus, drink tea, coffee, milk or anything citrus also. The exact foods I have been insisting she take. Bad, bad, bad. So that’s what doctor’s check ups are for. As they always say, do not self medicate. Huh.

After that, it was my turn to have a general surgeon check the results of my annual physical exam which found something in my breasts. So yesterday, I had a breast ultrasound, and when the technician started clicking on the screen and measuring some black stuff, I got concerned, but she wouldn’t tell me what those are. She tells me to wait for the results. I do hope those are benign lumps just like what was taken out 8 years ago. (Prayers are welcome )

Today, i brought Lex back to his pediatrician (finally, I found someone who we feel very safe and comfortable with near our area) to have his sty and nose checked. Turned out we only need to do warm compress on his eye, and give him a decongestant only when needed. This doctor does not want to give unnecessary medications and explains things very thoroughly, never rushing his patients out the door.

Before being called by the pediatrician, Lex and I looked at photos displayed at the hospital wall, of surgeons in action – taking out a breast mass. Of course the photos were gross, especially the one that showed the mass and nipples removed. Lex kept asking me what those were. (remember he kept insisting to watch that cesarian section video) So I asked him if he wanted to be a doctor, the one who slices people up (hehe), and I think he liked the idea. Haha. Then he told me I should be one too (hmmm). Anyway, maybe someday we can be classmates in medical school. Why not, right?

So lesson learned this week – seek advice from the expert. Do not self medicate.

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Update: I got the results of the breast ultrasound, and the doc said I have nothing to worry about. I will just have to come back for another test 6 months from now, to see if anything changes. But for now, I can relax.

For the past 2 weeks, Lex, Mama and I have been sick. Mama and Lex had coughs, and I had fevers and colds. Lex and Mama both had their x-rays done, and the doctor even considered tuberculosis for Mama. To which I told her, er, stay away? Hehehe. Then the surprise came – Mama’s lungs were clear (thank God!), but Lex’s wasn’t. The x-ray reading said: “Consider primary complex”. Primary complex is tuberculosis in children. While the doctor explained that children are not contagious, adults are. And if Lex indeed has it, then he got it from an adult. Since Mama and I had our x-rays done recently, and we were both clear, then if Lex is positive, it must be my brother or the maid.

The pediatrician gave me two options: start primary complex medication, which lasts for 6 months with three different medicines, or have a skin test done, and if Lex turns out to be negative, then he only needs 3 months medication using only one medicine. So I had the skin test done. The doc said if his skin swells within 2 days, then it is positive. If the skin appears normal and we couldn’t find where he had the injection in the first place, then it is negative.

Thank God, Lex tested negative. So now he will just have to take medications once a day for 3 months. He was prescribed with Isoniazid + Pyridoxine HCl (250 mg /5 mL), which is treatment for tuberculosis. He will take it early in the morning on an empty stomach.

So there. Another health scare. I was preparing for the worst, after Lex had pneumonia twice before he was 3 yo.

I am glad that despite the hassle, we are recovering. Hopefully, the worst has passed.

Last Friday, on the way home, I sat beside an old man in the van. He was obviously a WW II veteran, since he wore that classic Army hat, spoke perfect English, was very gracious and he exuded a unique confidence you only see in military men. Anyway, I couldn’t help but glance at him once in a while, and maybe he noticed, that he smiled. I hope I didn’t look like I was checking him out in a…er… bad way. But anyway, I was thinking of my own grandfather. And that time, I wanted to ask this old man questions – about his life story. I wanted to ask him about his experiences, about life during the war, about… everything! But it was too quiet in the van and I know it would have been so odd for me to ask him stuff. Then I thought… I hope his grandchildren are taking the time to chat with him, and he’s able to share his stories with them. I would love to sit in one of their gatherings just to listen….

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You may be wondering how come i don’t write about my other set of grandparents – my Mama’s parents. It’s because I was able to spend some precious time with my grandfather before he died when I was 9. Lolo Esting (Ernesto) is the eldest of three boys, he was a mechanical engineer (an my Mama always told me that he would have been so proud to have his youngest granddaughter pass the engineering licensure exams – sigh), he worked in the government for several years as a district engineer under the Ministry (Department) of Public Works. He has always been the one who helped out my Mama during family crisis, even when we were in far away Davao City, he found a way to visit us on my first birthday.

Lolo Esting loved ice cream. When we went back to our province in 1988, he would pick me up from school and treat me for ice cream. I never really loved ice cream, but since it was a treat, I devoured it. Hehe. So when he died in 1990 (heart attack while watching a replay of the Mike Tyson fight on TV), I had dreams about him picking me up from school and eating ice cream. On some occasions, I think I did see him (either my imagination, or it was for real) way after his death. I was also the youngest among his grandchildren, so that makes me an instant “favorite” (I’d like to believe that hehe). Oh how he would have loved to see me walk the stage as an engineering graduate. SIGH.

So there, while Lolo Esting didn’t fight during the war (he had a heart condition and was not recruited in the Army), I had solid memories of him. We spent weekends in his “farm” with a fishpond and a beach house. His home was located beside the sea (which is now owned by his second wife, we still visit her), he drove that white Jeep (the real Jeep) while his dog followed him by foot. Even on his wake, his dog slept beside his casket.

Anyway, I am remembering him now, because of that old man I saw last Friday.

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Totally not grandfather-related… I have someone new! And he’s sitting on my desk

His name is Richard, and I really like him. In fact, my colleagues like him as well, they want me to cut him up so they can have one too…

Oh, I haven’t mentioned, Richard is my new oregano plant. I got him from another office when we had a meeting, and they had rows of oregano plants in plastic cups, and when I showed interest on the plants, they gave me one – the oregano in a Starbucks cup, with a name written on it – Richard. Hehehe!

So there, I cut up Richard today (and I also cut myself – haha, careless) and planted it in another container, for Laiza. She named her new plant – Migs.

Maybe by the end of the month, I’d be able to take another branch from Richard and replant.

I love plants! They don’t talk and move. Hehe.

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So happy about gmail video chat! Just sucks when the chat feature acts up when i’m not at home. Sigh. Hope it gets better tomorrow.

I barely knew my grandfather (my father’s dad). All I know is that he was a World War II veteran, eventually became part of the Philippine Army and retired as an Army Captain. I have learned more about him recently when we were “reunited” with the rest of the Bacani clan, since my uncles have spent a lot of time with him.

One thing I remember about him was that he traveled from Ilocos Sur to Cavite (around 400 plus km., and more than 10 hrs. bus ride) to visit my brother, and that he was the one who was there during my brother’s wedding in my father’s place (we were still not in good terms with my father that time). And during that time, when our family had a crisis, my grandfather GAVE me his bank book so I could withdraw his pension money EVERY MONTH and help us out financially. It was not really a huge amount but he was living off his pensions and he had to give up one of them. I guess, in a way, it is his way of compensating for having a (once) irresponsible son (sorry Papa, you know that’s true hehe).

Anyway, recent events in the family has inspired my cousin to rummage through his mom’s old photos, scanned them and posted them on Facebook. Here, I share some of the photos of my grandfather, the highly respected (but almost forgotten) Capt. Juan Bacani.

My uncle’s comment on FB: “uncle john must be in college here, enrolled at centro escolar also takin dentistry. second year college siya when WWII broke up. he was recruited. lolo hugo and dad just learned about it thru relatives. the next time they saw him was at death march. classic no?”

My uncle’s comment on FB: “i think this is in fort magsaysay, uncle john was assigned in tabak division of the army”

(Written at the back)
Dec. 31, 1966
“Scene was taken in front of Saigon Catholic Cathedral. Jeep is a PHILCAG, one driven by a Sgt. Reyes whom I requested to make the shot. It is in this vicinity where Filipinos by the hundreds meets and stroll especially after Sunday mass. Saigon”

(Written at the back)
Saigon, Vietnam Dec. 21/1967
“To Emy,

Love Daddy”
(Emy is my father’s youngest sister)

With this photo, my father’s cousin, Tito Willie recalled how Lolo Juan showed his concern for the family: “when he was long retired from the service i was asking him to give me his 45cal…this is what he told me (translated from Kapampangan to Tagalog) ‘Loko, nuong galing ako ng Vietnam nag-uwi ako ng baril, kahit gaano pa..di ko inisip na bigyan ko kayo ng baril..ngayon pa!..hindi nyo kailangan ng baril..husto na.. na ako na lang ang humawak ng baril sa mga Bacani’ (When I went back from Vietnam I brought home guns, but even then I didn’t think of giving you one. You do not need it. It is enough that I am last of the Bacani’s to hold a gun.)

(Written at the back)
“Saigon, Vietnam.
Daddy in his rugged attire. This is where I stay and live. Our billet is not seen in picture. It is very cold now. The temperature is 14F. I am wearing a sweater and a leather jacket.”

I may be biased, but hey, my grandfather IS gorgeous, isn’t he?

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Thank you, Lolo Juan, for your memories. And thank you, my uncles and aunts, for sharing his memories with us!

We celebrated Lex’s fifth birthday yesterday, July 17. It’s been five years already? It seemed like it was just yesterday when I had my caesarian section that is similar to this video.

ready to blow the candle - after playing outside

Anyway, I am thankful for the five years, and the nine months prior to that. I never imagined how it would be after Lex’s birth. all I knew was I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

I am really grateful to God for Lex’s life – it has somehow “forced” me to see beyond myself and actually live and look forward to the future. I am amazed at how Lex is turning out. He is really eager to learn more in school, and everywhere else (sometimes it can be annoying), and he has become so sweet that it’s easy to forgive him when he’s all naughty and bad.

His fifth birthday celebration went out really well, considering that this inexperienced mom didn’t prepare well for it (hehe). We cooked the usual birthday food – spaghetti, hotdogs, chicken, lumpiang shanghai, and the birthday treats – cake and ice cream! then my collague came by with her family, and as promised, she hosted some games for the kids, who really had fun.

Lex enjoyed all his gifts, and is more sociable now, so he was really game with the pictures, and he greeted each visitor that came by, and he said goodbye as they left. And I think he really enjoyed all the attention.

Lex’s dad called up in the afternoon to greet him. I handed the phone to Lex, who only said ‘hello’, then shoved the phone away. Unfortunately, I had to listen to his dad sing ‘happy birthday’, hahaha. As always, he ‘promised’ to take Lex out the ‘next time’ he’s ‘available’.

Anyway, the night ended with left over spaghetti and cake that will last us for several days, depending on our appetite hehe. Today, I will be taking Lex out for Timezone and maybe a movie if he feels like it, and to get him his new clothes, care of the father who is now in far away Basilan.

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I am glad to note that this year is unfolding with a lot of surprises and new things – VERY new things, that leaves me awed and excited at the same time. I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I know that several little choices can lead to something really wonderful – something I have always prayed for, hoped for, longed for. And as they say, nothing of value is easy. So while chasing this new dream may be VERY inconvenient, emotionally draining and unsure, I think the risk is worth it. Besides, in a blink of an eye, Lex will be 15, and I, 40. Gosh, I would have liked to have done something really significant in between!

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Most of the single moms I knew, who eventually found their current husbands, started seriously dating again after their kids turned five. And now I’m wondering, is it my time as well?

Haha, well, we never know.

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All in all, I am looking forward to more birthday celebrations for Lex.

Thank you for coming over: my good friend Meong and his wonderful family Heide and Ivy, Ms. Lorie (from Lex’s school), my cousin Irene, the neighborhood kids Niel, Mikey and sister, and Ian, UPSCAns Margie, Louise and Nanette with little Lina, my colleagues Atty. Grace and her family, Arvin, Thea and Julian, the ‘late’ Laiza (hehe kidding, she was late), and of course my big bro Cris and his son Grendel. And always grateful for my Mama and our kasambahay, Dedeng.

Thank You, Lord, for these angels in our lives!

Do you ever wonder why a wake becomes a family reunion, when in fact you have attempted to invite family for gatherings – weddings, birthdays, baptisms, etc. – and they never come. When someone dies, everyone comes.

Anyway, this time, it was our turn to show up. See, my siblings and I never met our father’s side of the family when we were growing up. I’m not sure why, but maybe because we spent 8 years in Davao and by the time we went back to Luzon, my father didn’t give much thought about introducing us to the rest of the family.

My uncle found me on Facebook. Can you believe it? And I was thrilled to see people who I share my family name with. Finally, I belong somewhere! So just last month we met them in a family gathering and I was overwhelmed at all my cousins – there were a lot of them I couldn’t remember their names.

Then my grand aunt passed away, and it was an opportunity to meet them again. What was amazing to me was – the wake and the funeral was the most peaceful and “happy” one I’ve been. My uncles and aunt were not exactly sad, but they were emotional when they reminisced about how wonderful their mother was. And it was a blessing to a lot of us. To get a glimpse of the life this woman lived – for her family. hearing the eulogy that my aunt prepared gave me an idea of how mothers and wives should be. And even if I’m practically a stranger in that wake (because I barely know them – we just met a month ago!), I felt like somehow, I have found a family to emulate. That somehow, if Lexx asks me how a normal family looks like, I can tell him about my uncles’ family and he will understand what I mean.

That night was special for me because after a long time, my brothers and I were able to spend a few hours with my father and the rest of the family. There were no long talks or whatever. Mostly there were just hi’s hello’s how are you’s. But it was enough.

I can’t exactly describe the feeling, but it was like meeting people for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them all your life. It didn’t feel weird for me to stay with them the whole day.

Maybe it’s because as far as I know, we didn’t owe them, and they didn’t owe us, anything. So the feeling was light. Unlike with my other family, it feels odd living with them, because we owe them a lot. I’m not being ungrateful. Just that I didn’t feel too welcome because I was an added burden. Which I’m probably not, but that’s how I felt at that time.

Anyway, my point is, I am glad. My Lex wouldn’t be missing out too much on not “belonging” to his father’s family (it’s a relief for me), because just with my mother’s and father’s sides of the family – he can already say he’s got enough love.

Bacani Family

with my Papa and Kuyas

blessed with 2 nuns, a pastor and a bishop in the family

*thanks, Tito Mon, for the photos

”I used to believe I couldn’t grow up right without a father, that I would ever be ‘normal’ without one. But maybe a father is really a luxury after all. Maybe you could grow up without one.”
–Augusten Burroughs, “A Wolf at the Table”

Today is Fathers Day. We went to church today, and the ironic thing is I went with my Mama, my son and my nephew. My Papa wasn’t with us (my parents have been separated since I was 16), my son’s father wasn’t with us (we didn’t end up together) and my nephew’s dad (my borther) opted to stay at home. So we practically went without any of the fathers.

I ended up praying for all the not-so-wonderful fathers out there, and I said “Dear Lord, I pray for those fathers… pwede po ba, paki-batukan naman sila. Nakakainis na eh.” Hahaha.

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The mass ended with kids giving a Fathers day presentation. It was the Children’s Mass so they prepared a surprise for the fathers. It was nice. There were a lot of fathers who were there, but I couldn’t help but wish these kids’ fathers were there to feel the love too.

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I was reading the Parish newsletter today. It said something about how “fatherless” today’s society has become, and how the next generation will practically grow up without any father in their lives. OUCH. While my son still has a father, we all know being a biological father who sends some money every month is not what kind of father a child needs. As a father, you can give all the riches of the world to your child, but if you are not there, you will not gain your child’s love and respect.

The newsletter went on that this “phenomenon”, if you will, is a threat to society. And it must be solved NOW.

Then I went on to read the next page, and saw wedding banns. It’s a portion of the newsletter where all of the scheduled weddings are posted, along with the names and photos of couples to inform everyone that they are getting married, and so anyone who knows of a legal impediment for any of them to do so can do something about it. Anyway, I was thinking, while looking at the photos, how men usually “prepare” for marriage. Their main concern is the financial stability. They think that to be a good husband and father, they should be a good provider. I agree, of course. But if that’s all you do, then you are just as good as your wife’s job, or the bank, or a charity – they all provide money and benefits. Heck, your wife can just opt to NOT marry you and make her own fortune! Being a family man goes beyond the financial aspect. Of course, we all KNOW that. Men who grew up without memories of their fathers KNOW that. Men who grew up with pathetic, useless, monstrous fathers KNOW that. But as they say, knowing without doing is nothing. Sigh.

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A lot of thoughts flowed through my mind during that one hour I spent in church today.

I was thinking of why God called himself Father. Why not Mother? Or brother? Or leader? Or king? Why FATHER?

Then I thought, maybe it’s because God knew that people will need a Father to turn to. Because most mothers will stick it out with their kids no matter the challenge, but a lot of fathers won’t. So women will need a husband, and children, a father. And Jesus can be both.

Now isn’t that profound?

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I read in a blogger’s book review about Augusten Burrough’s book and his view about fathers. He said that “fathers are a luxury”, and I couldn’t agree more.

It’s funny, in a very sad way, that people have become so used to seeing families without a father, or whose fathers don’t deserve to be there. They just shrug it off and say, oh well, he’s a jerk.

But when you find out about a family whose mother walked out on them? Oh you would think that is the most evil woman in the planet. A woman who runs away with another man, and leaves her kids behind. Oh she deserves to rot in hell. And men who do that? Oh, well, he’s a man, what can you do? He’s rich, good looking, oh he’s got that gorgeous body. Marry a man like that, expect the worst.

Wo-hoow. That’s how sick society has become. And you get hurt when your sister marries someone like that. You blame God when your daughter ends up being a battered wife and your grandkids are abused by their father.

I don’t know who to blame. Sometimes, men have wonderfula parents and end up being abusive. I don’t know. Heck, I don’t know if despite trying so hard to be a good mom, if my son will end up being a good man, or someone worse than his father. I sure pray that he becomes a good man. No matter if he’s not an achiever. I just want my son to be a good person, a good man worthy of love and genuine respect. I just have no idea how to teach him that if all he sees is my father, his father, his other grandfather, and every man in our family who failed to be a good one.

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Sometimes, I wonder, if I could have gotten a life better than this if my father just did what he had to do. See, he was a good father. He never hurt us physically, never yelled at us. He was so kind, in fact, he couldn’t say no especially to his friends. So what broke our family wasn’t because of something he did to us. But what he did not do for us. He could not say no to temptation.

Eventually, the truth had to come out. His mistress was someone who lived in the same town. A mother of one of my friends in the Parish Youth Ministry. What aggravated the situation was that he lost his job, and my brother started his own family at 19 yo. And I had to go to college. So the rest is history, and every time I missed a concert at the university, or I couldn’t join a field trip because I was so ashamed to ask for more money from my uncle, I would blame my father.

It was a good thing that my uncle and aunt were somehow religious and were active in church. I still remember my aunt talked to me and told me to just do my best and whatever my family is going through, it will pass and that I should learn to forgive my father. I knew she didn’t like him, she knew things that I didn’t. But I guess, as a parent, she was just trying to help me and guide me. I’m sure my aunt has forgotten about that talk. I am thankful, though, that I still remember.

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I am wondering what my father and what Lex’s father are thinking of, and how they feel about themselves. I’m wondering if it is normal for men to be … insensitive and irresponsible. Whether they worry about their kids, or they are thankful that they get to enjoy their lives while claiming the title “father” without having to work for it. I wonder if their hearts beat for their children as well, or only for themselves. I wonder.

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If you are a father, please do the world a favor. Please, be good at it. Please, love your wife. Be faithful to her. Please, love your children. Be a hero to them. Please, enjoy doing it. Cherish your fatherhood. Be happy to be a father and a husband. Be a necessity, not a luxury. Let fatherhood be a constant presence in the family, and not a rarity.

If you are a father and you have no role model because yours was not there for you, please, do not look far. We all know who we should turn to in these circumstances. God (Jesus) is father to the fatherless. And let your family guide you as well. After all, you can have all the info, but you still have to do it.

Break the cycle, if you have an irresponsible, abusive or apathetic father, let him be the last one. Break the cycle. Start a new culture. Start anew. You owe it to your kids, your grandkids, their grandkids.

And if you’re gonna do it anyway, please, do it well. So when the day comes, your family will be proud to greet you.

Happy Fathers Day.

Dear God,

Thank You for all the blessings you have been giving us these past months. Thank You…

… for Lex, he is growing up sooo fast! He will be starting pre-school soon and I am excited for him. Thank You, God, for blessing him with an eagerness to learn. he has memorized a lot of stuff already, and he can spell the numbers from zero to ten. And he can count to 100, with a little guidance I will do my best NOT to be a stage mom (hehe) and I will support Lex whether he gets awards or nothing at all. The gift of his life is enough reason to celebrate!

… for my ever-patient Mama, who is starting to become the stage Lola (hmmm). She reminds me of things that need to be done, stuff to buy, etc. What would I do without her?

… for family. I met relatives from my father’s side recently, most of them for the first time, and it felt great to know I belong somewhere. Hearing stories about my uncles’ youth with my father, and the untold stories about my grandfather made me feel better about myself – that I belong to a family with a great history. Plus the fact that they genuinely care. I love them already!

… for work, opportunities to earn money the good and decent way, and for people who are willing to help.

… for unexpected monetary blessings! Although it is considered “benefits”, still, it came at a time we (esp. parents) need it most.

… for solutions to health challenges. For doctors and medications that work.

… for the Internet, and the opportunity to connect with people I haven’t been in touch with for years.

… for inspiring movies and music.

Thank You, God, for all these. And for every day that we wake up healthy and full of life.

This is a letter I emailed to my dear friend. I know it’s supposed to be private, but I just felt like sharing it, maybe it will bless someone, somehow.

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Dearest H,

Happy 30th birthday! Can you believe it’s our 30th year on earth? It seemed just like yesterday when we were 16 and were hopeful and eager freshmen ready to conquer the world.

I’m so glad that after 13 years, we are still good friends, well, I do consider you as my best friend, my family-by-choice. I know that sounds too dramatic, especially now that we have lives of our own that we don’t really talk much anymore. But , well, you know what I mean when I say that, we may not be close, we may not talk every day, but I know that when I need you, or when you need me, we are there for each other, and when we talk, it seems that we just last got together yesterday.

I wanna take this chance to thank you – for the years of friendship and love, for your forgiveness and understanding. Thank you for sharing your life, your faith, your friends and your family. Thank you for being the gentleman that you are, for living your life as you believe God wants you to live. Thank you for your prayers, they do mean a lot, and I know that they do work.

You know, I have to share with you, that when you told me you have a girlfriend already, I felt scared. Scared that you won’t be the same, that someone was about to steal my friend. I know it’s stupid and crazy, but I am glad that when I met M, I knew right away that my friend is in good hands. I am glad that you have found another soul who shares the same faith, values and vision, and that is really important. I no longer feel scared or paranoid that someone is about to hurt you, I know she will not let you down. I am truly happy for the love you share, and I know that it has blessed a lot of the people you deal with, especially the younger ones who look up to you for guidance.

And speaking of guidance, I am so proud of you, of how you dealt with J and the challenges of bringing him closer to God. I am glad to see now that even though he is still in that “org”, he has a stronger foundation to resist whatever is out there. I’m glad you did not give up on him.

Anyway, I know I have missed out a lot of your achievements at work and church, but whatever. I am proud of you, and I am blessed and honored to be one of your many many friends. And I am even more blessed to be able to see how much you have changed for the best. When I remember how self-centered you were back in our freshmen year – man! I wish you could see what I saw, and maybe you could just kick that kid’s ass. But of course you can’t kick your own ass, haha!

Well, I know this has been long, and it’s not like I’m saying goodbye! This is just supposed to be a birthday greeting!

But well, I sure hope I get to write you more birthday letters until we’re 80 and we’ve had lots of grandkids (well, maybe just you – Lex will be a priest haha!).

xxx

Here’s to your 30th year on earth, and our 13 years of friendship.

your FBC,

Lisa

My aunt posted our old photos on Facebook, and I was so overwhelmed. I am glad that my Mama used to mail our photos to my grandfather, and now, I have no idea whether we till have copies of those, but a stack of the old photos are still in my grandmother’s house in Ilocos. I am glad to remember that I did have photos with my grandfather, years before he passed away. And of course, I am amused with my baby photos that show how bald I was as a kid. Hahaha!

My brothers and I

on a guava tree

with cousins, my brothers and Lolo Juan and Lola Pat