while I'm waiting…

Lex had a blast at Active Fun, SM North Edsa branch. I was glad to be invited to a mommy blogger’s invitational event (yes it was for free) to go and enjoy a few hours at Active Fun, a play area for kids wherein you can leave them while the adults take their time shopping. Of course, one adult should stay to supervise the kids, although Active Fun has its own staff that watches over the kids, and are positioned in spots within the play area to make sure the kids are safe at all times.

There is a big slide, a pool of balls, and several other play things for different age groups. There is also a party area where kids can hold their birthday parties. Active Fun offers birthday party packages, much like the ones available in fast food chains, except that aside from the party, the kids have a chance to use the play area.

Anyway, here are photos taken by fellow mom blogger, Chats, since I didn’t have a camera that time.

Lex poses for a second (thanks Chats for taking the shot!)

After that fun time, Lex had dinner in Jollibee and I had to carry him when we walked the sky garden of SM North. That was a long walk, and it was past 9pm, so I had to carry Lex since he was exhausted. Good thing I ate that banana! Haha!

Hopefully we get to go on the next invitational (it’s pretty impractical for us to travel from Marikina to SM North just to play there). Well, I will keep my radars up for the next mommy bloggers event! I’m back in the circuit! Yey!

Cess, Lisa, Julie, Lynn (thanks for the photo, Lynn!)

I was with these mom bloggers that Friday night:
Chats aka imom
Teacher Julie
Cess
Cookie
Lynn
Feng (on blog leave hehe)

Thanks to Apple, the branch owner of Active Fun SM North, for having us there!

Check out the Active Fun website to see what’s in store for parents and kids on Active Fun’s first anniversary!

fun!

A colleague and I went to a firend’s (former colleague) house. She is working at home and Ihaven’t seen her since her wedding 2 years ago. Today, we were able to visit her and her husband’s new house.

It was a nice cozy house, and my friend is still waiting for “the baby” to come. Everything is ready, except for the baby.

So I sit there listening to her stories about her work, her husband’s work and the adjustments she had to make. I am happy for her, knowing that she has found another soul who is perfect for her. See, this friend of mine was 30 when we became close. I was attached, she was not. In fact, she has given up on love altogether. She was a bit bitter, I can tell, but also, hopeless. She has accepted the fact that she will become an old maid and take care of her mother until they both grow old.

Don’t get me wrong, this friend of mine is pretty. She just hasn’t found the guy that will treat her right. She had a pseudo boyfriend, but was just out to take advantage of women. Her husband was, and still is, a blessing to her. Who ever thought that she would be married 2 years later? Even she wasn’t sure how it happened.

So now that I tell her about how hopeless I feel about growing old alone, she comforts me and tells me “look at me! Did you ever imagine I would be married?”. And somehow, that thought gives me hope. I know that getting married doesn’t solve any problems. But I don’t know why I am so obsessed with that thought, when a few years earlier, I was thinking of growing old alone.

I don’t know. I’m sure that when a man finds out about this obsession, he would run away as fast as he could. Men do not want any form of commitment, moreso with a single mom. Sigh. So yeah, anyone who shows a hint of interest would pass as a really courageous person. But wait till he meets the men in my life – my son, brothers, cousins and uncles. (my dad doesn’t count, he’s too nice!)

Anyway, my point for today is – we never know.

I may find him tomorrow, next year, ten years down the road. Or I may not live that long, and maybe I’ll meet him in heaven. Whatever. All I know is the best days of my life ain’t over yet. It’s still about to come. And I’ll tell you aaaall about it when it happens.

This is a letter I emailed to my dear friend. I know it’s supposed to be private, but I just felt like sharing it, maybe it will bless someone, somehow.

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Dearest H,

Happy 30th birthday! Can you believe it’s our 30th year on earth? It seemed just like yesterday when we were 16 and were hopeful and eager freshmen ready to conquer the world.

I’m so glad that after 13 years, we are still good friends, well, I do consider you as my best friend, my family-by-choice. I know that sounds too dramatic, especially now that we have lives of our own that we don’t really talk much anymore. But , well, you know what I mean when I say that, we may not be close, we may not talk every day, but I know that when I need you, or when you need me, we are there for each other, and when we talk, it seems that we just last got together yesterday.

I wanna take this chance to thank you – for the years of friendship and love, for your forgiveness and understanding. Thank you for sharing your life, your faith, your friends and your family. Thank you for being the gentleman that you are, for living your life as you believe God wants you to live. Thank you for your prayers, they do mean a lot, and I know that they do work.

You know, I have to share with you, that when you told me you have a girlfriend already, I felt scared. Scared that you won’t be the same, that someone was about to steal my friend. I know it’s stupid and crazy, but I am glad that when I met M, I knew right away that my friend is in good hands. I am glad that you have found another soul who shares the same faith, values and vision, and that is really important. I no longer feel scared or paranoid that someone is about to hurt you, I know she will not let you down. I am truly happy for the love you share, and I know that it has blessed a lot of the people you deal with, especially the younger ones who look up to you for guidance.

And speaking of guidance, I am so proud of you, of how you dealt with J and the challenges of bringing him closer to God. I am glad to see now that even though he is still in that “org”, he has a stronger foundation to resist whatever is out there. I’m glad you did not give up on him.

Anyway, I know I have missed out a lot of your achievements at work and church, but whatever. I am proud of you, and I am blessed and honored to be one of your many many friends. And I am even more blessed to be able to see how much you have changed for the best. When I remember how self-centered you were back in our freshmen year – man! I wish you could see what I saw, and maybe you could just kick that kid’s ass. But of course you can’t kick your own ass, haha!

Well, I know this has been long, and it’s not like I’m saying goodbye! This is just supposed to be a birthday greeting!

But well, I sure hope I get to write you more birthday letters until we’re 80 and we’ve had lots of grandkids (well, maybe just you – Lex will be a priest haha!).

xxx

Here’s to your 30th year on earth, and our 13 years of friendship.

your FBC,

Lisa

When was the last time someone unintentionally made an act of kindness towards you? When was the last time you acted kindly, without even thinking about it?

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I always carry a large bag. No, it’s not a big bag. It’s LARGE. My collagues always ask me in the elevator if I’m going on an out of town seminar or something, because it’s like I’m ready for a three day trip. Hehe. Anyway, last night I had a meeting with one of my newest business teammates, and he was a nice guy. I was happily surprised when he offered to walk me to the shuttle station, and he took my bag and carried it. Honestly, I know only four guys in my entire life who have done that for me, without me asking them to. And for me, it’s a gesture of a true gentleman. And since I was dead tired last night, he wasn’t just a gentleman, but an angel in disguise. (Thanks Edward! And no, he’s not a vampire. I think. )

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Every weekend, Lex and I would go to the grocery and after that we would have ice cream. It’s like out mommy-son bonding. Anyway, riding the jeepney with four plastic bags of groceries and a little boy with me, it’s quite a challenge to get up the steps AND carry Lex too. Most times, the people near the jeepney entrance would help Lex up, then they would carry my groceries until I get settled inside the jeep. I’ve been doing that for a couple of years now, and I must say that angels are just among us, making sure we safely get on the jeep and that our baggages are intact. Of course extra points go to the jeepney driver who does not step on the ignition until everyone is seated.

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I remember slipping on the pavement when I was around 7 months pregnant. I cannot forget the look on the security guard’s face when he ran and helped me up. You know, what I miss about being pregnant is that people, men in particular (or at least strangers), become more compassionate.

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Sometimes, it only takes a one liner from a friend to make my day.

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my little Lex never fails to touch my heart. He would run after me before I leave work and demand for a kiss and a hug. Then as soon as I open the gate in the evening, I would hear the sound of his feet running to open the door, and his squeals of “Mommyyy!!!” Ahh, the delights of being a (responsible, loving) parent. As my friend said, you’ll never know what you have been missing until you yourself have kids of your own. and for me, having my little “angel” is the best reward for all the challenges I face as a single mom. (I say “angel”, coz Lex sometimes can be a pain hehehe)

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When I think about it, I am glad that whenever I feel cold, someone lends me a acket. And whenever I have to walk through a dark alley, someone holds my hand. And when I’m sick, someone gives me a sponge bath (yes, I’m such a baby). Well, he can be a friend, or she can be my Mom, but ultimately, they are angels that God sends to tell me that He does love me.

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do you think you are someone’s angel in disguise today?

A recent conversation with someone rocked my boat for a while. I have always thought (believed) that my being a single parent is not a basis of my worth as a person, and that my son can grow up normally despite the absence of a father. His biological father is alive and well, but he is not taking full responsibility. A few thousand pesos a month sums up his being a father, and maybe, someday, he will be proud of himself for “providing” something to his son other than half my son’s DNA. Anyway, despite the disappointment, I do try to be patient with the father, and I keep praying that he get married soon and have lots of kids with his wife just so he would know how it really feels to be a parent.

See, I still feel this resentment towards the father of my son because HE decided to leave, and forced me to become a single parent. It’s different from women choosing to be single moms. I did not choose this, it was dumped on my shoulders, along with the humiliation that comes with the status. And until now, even if I say I have forgiven him, I still feel bad on why I should be the only one that is responsible for everything. We were supposed to discuss Lex’s education, and until now, he still “does not have time because he’s too busy”.

So, setting aside the (non) father, I was comfortable with the thought that “mommy is enough”. Then that disturbing conversation made me think hard and question myself:
- am I really enough for my son?
- will he have a solid future with just me?
- should I “provide” a father for my son?

Then I started doubting myself:
- am I really a person worth loving?
- is my single parent status preventing me to make the most out of my life?
- do men avoid being good friends with me for the fear of leading me on, and for the fear that I might take advantage of them?
- is it better if I stay away from guys to avoid being judged?
- should I stay single by choice, even if someone does come along, just to prove to people that I am independent and I do not need somebody else’s help to raise my child?
- do I really have to prove anything to anyone?

I cried the entire night because I felt so worthless, and I feared for my son. I looked up the net for resources on “fatherless children” and all I got were statistics that said “fatherless children are more likely to do drugs, alcohol, criminal acts, etc. etc.” Studies showed that single parent households produced children that eventually became society’s problem. How would you expect me to feel? I thought to myself, why hadn’t I aborted that baby before? I simply felt bad. I thought I was over this.

So I continued looking, and found an article written by a successful man who grew up fatherless. And it was a good thing I came across that site. It assured me that it is not bad for single parents to remain single while raising children. And that not having a father is not at all basis for a child’s criminal behavior in the future.

I have always made friends with guys in the past, but now, I seemed to have developed an interest in getting to know men who have lost their fathers either through death, separation or were simply abandoned while they were young. My reason? I want to know their thoughts, see their hearts and understand them, so I know how to deal with my son when he grows older. There is one particular person I would like to get to know more, because he was raised by a single mother, and he is now very successful. But I don’t know how to do that yet, so maybe I’ll go through blogs while I muster the courage to talk to this person.

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I still feel a bit upset about my situation (gosh I have to deal with this my entire life!), but I guess it’s a good thing for me to be figuratively slapped on the face once in a while. the world is cruel, and single moms like me should stay in their place, and that is with their children, and not out there looking for replacement fathers. As my good friend Bri commented earlier, if someone wants to be part of my life, then he would have to find a way. I do not want to sound desperate, but I do hope he doesn’t get lost.

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and before my son gets upset (someday he might read this blog), that abortion thing crossed my mind, but I know that I would never have the guts to do it. I know that single parents like me will eventually be forgiven and accepted by society, but abortionists will be haunted by that one mistake forever. So Lex, don’t worry. I love you. you are my precious jewel.

The past weekend has been so hectic. But after the month has officially passed, messages from my mentor made me think: how would my life be right now if I decided not to take this path?

It has been a few years since I met a couple of entrepreneurs and we ventured into business together. That was actually a bad time for me because exactly 2 weeks after, my son’s dad broke off our relationship and I was devastated. It took me a few months to come back and continue.

Now, a few years and a lot of new friends later, I am close to complete healing, and eventhough at times I feel miserable about my current status, I no longer feel as bad as before. And I don’t know if I could be this positive and happy if those guys have not crossed my path.

They say that there are no accidents, and everything happens for a reason. And that friends are angels that God sends our way, to help us and change us.

Thanks Panda Warriors! Looking forward to more years together as a team and a family.

The Pandas at the Warriors Team building in Tagaytay

my favorite panda

I started the year right. Goals were set, results were popping up. then the daily grind. Everything slowed down. and now I feel sad. I’m glad I’m meeting my team tonight. I need them. I need positive energy. I can’t do this alone.

And hearing this song again, helps. I’m not really a Hannah Montana fan (well, it’s a teen movie so I like it). But the message really strikes. I like it.

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The Climb
sung by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith

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go Team 6!

It’s easy for me to make friends with weird people.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always had a friend who is considered by others as “weird” or an “outcast” or just plain difficult. I don’t know whether it’s my ability to ignore the annoying things they say or do, or I myself do not have as many friends so whoever talks to me becomes a friend.

So I have had friends that ranges from the nerdy, grade conscious brat, to the one who never stops talking about himself, to the one who complains a lot about her annoying colleagues. I have one who is a know it all, another one who has had two husbands and is misunderstood by a lot of people (she practically made the gossip headline in the town). People find them annoying, and they become topics of gossip. Some I find amusing, some I find disturbing.

But what’s interesting is when I talk to them one on one, I do not find anything wrong with them. Sure he’s grade conscious, but all he really wants is to please his parents. She is a know it all, because she was more of a parent to her siblings than her parents. He doesn’t stop talking about himself, because nobody ever listens to him long enough to hear what he has to say. And she dropped her husband to be with her new boyfriend because he doesn’t give the love she thinks she and her kids deserve.

It’s different when you actually see who they really are. When they start opening up, and they show how wounded they really are, I cannot help but understand and accept them. And I am humbled and sometimes I feel guilty for listening to other people’s false opinions of them.

Some people ask me how I could make friends with such difficult people. I honestly don’t know. But what I found out is that these people are more real than the others I know. As they say, some of the greatest gifts are wrapped in stained paper bags, and others refuse to accept it, not knowing it contains a precious jewel.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of unconditional friendship.

Can’t believe the year is about to end. It’s already 2010!

Looking back on the past five years, I am so glad that healing and forgiveness has come so quickly for me. I know a lot of people did not really agree with my decision (to forgive), but I am now at peace with it. Although I was disappointed with how things with Lex’s dad turned out (he is not interested to see his son at all), I am still thankful that I no longer have to carry this hatred in my heart.

Looking at how Lex is growing despite the absence of a father, I am optimistic that we can make things work out, and that he can grow up without feeling incomplete. I have no idea how to do that, but I am praying that someday, Lex will not have to deal with the insecurities of not having a father, or having a father who does not love him the way fathers should.

Recently, Lex has been learning the concept of “friends”, since he watches a lot of Disney cartoons. I dread the day when he starts to understand the concept of a “normal family”. I have prepared my scripts when he start asking things, but then again, parenting is all about surprise practical exams on life.

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Whenever I talk to new acquaintances about my son, they gasp in disbelief and say “you have a son???”. Yes, I should be flattered. they say I don’t look like I’m married. Toink. I wonder whether I should laugh or what. The ring on my right ring finger is NOT a wedding band. My colleague pointed out that I should not wear it anymore since it looks like one. But it’s on my RIGHT hand. Oh what the heck.

so it’s either I look younger than my age, or I do not looked stressed out like the other wives and mothers out there. Ok, I consider myself blessed. Lonely, but blessed. Ha-ha.

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Wow, it’s either the invitation was to plan a (second) wedding here, or to celebrate with the bride since we were not able to attend her wedding in California (hehe). But either way, the idea of being part of her wedding choir thrills me! Gosh, my rusting vocal cords needs some tuning. At least no one dares to ask me now “when will your wedding be?”. anyone who asks will get a smack. From my foot. Ha-ha.

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Rediscovering The Corrs.

I learned yesterday that I haven’t visited a dentist for years. but despite that, I only needed a few fillings, and I have generally healthy gums and teeth. Going through a few drillings made me realize it’s more worth it to do this now, than to have root canal procedures in the future. Major ouch! Take care of your teeth, take care of everything on your head.

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I learned that losing one person’s life is like a power plant shutting down – it causes massive black outs. Reading the papers today, again, made me feel so… helpless. the lives lost on that hideous massacre in Maguindanao left a lot of families motherless, young children wondering why their mothers cannot lie down beside them and lull them to sleep. Families of these victims will forever be scarred. I pray for healing and forgiveness – that these kids will grow up with loving and forgiving hearts, that they will never have that urge for revenge. I have no idea how difficult that will be, but with God, anything is possible.

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It’s been a year since I last saw my former boss. I just realized how much I miss her. I am very fortunate to have a very professional, competent, understanding, open minded, loving and caring mentor. She has been working for another office since 2007, but I have yet to “find” another mentor like her. She is simply the best.

And we are watching New Moon tonight! Yehey!

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I learned that I like writing more than engineering work. Numbers do not like me much. and i have to get a degree and pass the board exams and finish 27 units of masters subjects to prove that – i. hate. numbers.

Ok, I don’t exactly hate numbers. I’m just not a math person. Haha. Whatever.

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I learned that I’m starting to be protective of my Mom, when I find out things that might worry her, I don’t tell her about it. I lie, pretend not to know, and appear to be apathetic. but in reality, I go crazy just trying to hide things from her. But I am such a bad liar, so… I need more practice. Hehe.

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I learned that Lex is starting to read! Ok, he can’t read like we do. Haha. He pretends to read. He opens a book, “reads” the lines, from left to right, pointing at the sentences, and blurts out his own words. He makes up stories about trains, monsters and the pussycat owl (he named his owl “pussycat”). It’s amazing.

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I learned that when I have no one to share my thoughts with, it helps to listen to music FULL BLAST. Or watch music videos. And not eat. Feeling hungry takes the depression away. Because I feel hungry. So I forget feeling depressed. Ok I don’t make any sense anymore. Time to eat.