while I'm waiting…

(Blueberry cheesecake at French Baker, a dinner treat for myself last friday, forced myself to finish it, kakabusog pala! (after I ate a full meal kasi))

I have always been terrified of turning thirty. I have no idea how it happened, but I guess it’s because I have always heard other people say you should be married by thirty otherwise, you will be categorized an “old maid”. Although I don’t exactly fit in that category because I have a child already, but the idea of having a zero lovelife is just… sad, scary – basta, a major negative feeling.

But the world turns and the days fly by, and this tiny girl who people used to call “bonsai”, “lizard” and “mosquito” (my classmates are mean), is still tiny, but in terms of experience and “wisdom” I would like to think I am as big as an elephant (I’d be a whale when I turn 60, and a dinosouar when I reach 80).

Wisdom. Do I really have it? Most times I feel like I haven’t changed emotionally since I was 15, when I had my first boyfriend and I’d get upset if he ignores me the whole day (he does that just to avoid being the subject of teachers’ gossips hehehe). Anyway, I just cannot stand not getting my beloved’s attention. Ha-ha. Maybe it’s hard wired in me because I grew up being the special one in the family, being my father’s only girl and being both grandfathers’ youngest granddaughter.

But yeah, wisdom. The wisdom to choose to forgive (which is a very challenging endeavor, believe me). And the awakening that it is true that God answers prayers – although He packages the gifts in ways I do not expect, or hope for. Nonetheless, He answers them. The answers may not be what I asked for exactly, but there will always be an answer – “yes”, “no”, “why not get this instead of that”, or “you already have that you are just looking at the wrong direction”. Oh, and there is probably the answer that says “you are asking the same question”, hahaha! (that probably comes when I ask God, why??? over and over)

So yeah, this post is as incoherent as my real handwriting. So what can I say on the eve of my birthday?

Thank You, God, for letting my parents keep me, the unexpected baby. And thank You, for giving me Lex, the unplanned baby, because he simply reminds me that there is enough reason for me to live another day. Every day.

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Thanks guys, for the advance birthday greetings! Special mention si Harold, who called me on the 2nd of September to greet me (akala ko eh for the first time in 13 years he has forgotten the date hahaha!), before he forgets daw pala.

And thanks to my green eyed teddy bear for keeping in touch.

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand, and chaining a soul…
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and presents are not promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity not a grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns you if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you are really strong
and that you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn…

– Veronica Shoftstall

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Thanks, Laiza, for sharing this piece of paper with me. Indeed, we can endure. So for my birthday, I’ll buy myself some flowers not because I’m desperate, but because I love myself! And I love fresh flowers. No parties for my 30th year, but I would love to drink lots and get drunk by myself. Hmm… I am now excited.

How much time do we need to spend to know that a person is worth loving?

I have been wondering about this these past days. Actually, I have been wondering about a LOT of things. They are pretty overwhelming and i don’t know if I even want to say what these are exactly.

People set standards for everything. That is to make things more effective and efficient. Imagine having different voltage levels for residential electricity users. If your neighbor borrows your microwave oven and it is rated 110 V, and your neighbor uses 240V, goodluck. Or rather, goodbye microwave. So we have set the residential voltage level to be 110 in the states, and in the Philippines, it’s 220V. That’s why when I was young, I broke some appliances because some were gifts from relatives who came home from the states, and I plugged them directly instead of using a transformer first.

And so, people set standards and people expect you to follow. The standards have expanded to cover even the way we live – what house to buy, what job to take, even our kids’ education, what kind of birthday party to give to our five year old… Then there’s set rules on what kind of man or woman you should choose, otherwise, people would raise their eyebrows and who knows what else they would raise, and it’s like you’re expected to explain or apologize. Imagine, apologizing to your parents for falling in love with a maid, or a security guard. Fall in love with a business tycoon? no problem. Fall in love with a janitor? Goodluck.

So, we have set standards. I myself am guilty of it. What can i do, I grew up with virtual walls in my mind. Anyone more than two years older or younger, is out of the list. Like, if I’m a circuit, I have a +/- 2V tolerance level. Anything beyond that will break the circuit. Anything beyond what I have set for myself will not ‘break’ my life, but it will ‘break’ the ‘image’ I have set for myself. And since I came from the best university in the country, I have unintentionally set another standard – if a man can’t handle the fact that I’m better than him in any aspect, get lost.

Living within the standards is safe. But as they say, anything that will make you feel alive, is outside what is safe. Living within the standard is called existence. Living outside your comfort zone is called life.

Of course I know that. But it’s not what we know, right? It’s what we do.

So I think about all these and I suddenly realize – God doesn’t set standards for loving us. I’m not saying that since He loves us so much, we can all do whatever we want and ignore His teachings. Rather, He loves us regardless, with the intention of helping us have a change of heart and return to Him.

God’s love is just plain crazy. Meaning, we can’t comprehend it at all, so I say it’s crazy. and in life, when we have set all these standards for whatever, God interferes and breaks down all the walls we have set up for ourselves. It is ironic that when I tell myself, “I would never…”, something happens and I end up doing whatever it is I try to avoid. And after that, I realize – it’s not that bad.

So how long do we need to realize that love has come in our midst, and that it is real? The standards say a lot. My standards say maybe a year. Ok, a few months? Heck, a few weeks?

And that is just the “time aspect”. Don’t even ask me about everything else. Suffice it to say, God’s signs of love have shattered every standard I have set. Every single one. Except for the core of the matter – the most important aspects.

Anyway, my colleague have mentioned before, at how we lower our standards to the brink of desperation because we simply do not want to live life alone. It’s scary to think that I would come to that point. I hope I never have to. I hope that my Joseph comes before that happens.

A lot of my posts are complaints about my life in general. Right now, I want to complain about my headache. That’s because I didn’t get my dose of coffee. Hmm.

Complaints are annoying. It drains the energy out of me. Yet I do it. Maybe because I’m hoping someone would sympathize. How pathetic. I myself do not want to hang around with negative people.

So change has to be deliberate. It cannot happen without effort.

Focus on the good things. If bad things happen, focus on the lessons – that will lead us to the good things.

So to start this deliberate change to minimize complaining and focus on the blessings, here is a list.

Lex got sick yesterday. He is absent for school today. We gave him some medication and he is okay. He is okay.

I was late for work – again. My fault, I slept till 7am. Got in at 9:06 – come onnnn! anyway, I came in safe. No accidents, no worries. (my colleague got into a vehicular accident yesterday – but she is okay. Just a swollen neck – ouch) Lesson learned – wake up and leave home early.

I’m having a slight headache. That’s because I didn’t drink coffee today. A friend told me about the effect of caffeine and nicotone in the system last night – and the reason it is addictive and it is hard to quit (as in the physiological explanation – insights from his doctor). Now that I understand that, I do not have to worry about my headache. I know the cause, so I can relax and let it pass.

I am bored. BUT I’m supposed to do some writing and reading and more writing. Lesson learned – manage my time! (I am so bad with that – meaning I have to get good at it. Yes?)

I feel lonely – thinking about that mushy relationship stuff again. But then, I should call my best friend and ask her about how her pregnancy is going, and whether she has really decided on getting married or not. Hmm. Lesson learned – so what if I don’t date anyone. There are friends and family who are worth my time and attention. Sayang ang oras sa pagmumukmok, baka pumangit pa ko hehe.

I feel like I don’t have enough money all the time. And when I get to have some spare, something happens – an illness, a family member in need, etc. etc. Like I make money just to give it away. But I used to be at the receiving end of financial “help” before. maybe it’s payback time. At least I have something. It sucks to always have to ask for help. Lesson learned – be thankful. It is always better to give than to receive.

Dear God,

”I used to believe I couldn’t grow up right without a father, that I would ever be ‘normal’ without one. But maybe a father is really a luxury after all. Maybe you could grow up without one.”
–Augusten Burroughs, “A Wolf at the Table”

Today is Fathers Day. We went to church today, and the ironic thing is I went with my Mama, my son and my nephew. My Papa wasn’t with us (my parents have been separated since I was 16), my son’s father wasn’t with us (we didn’t end up together) and my nephew’s dad (my borther) opted to stay at home. So we practically went without any of the fathers.

I ended up praying for all the not-so-wonderful fathers out there, and I said “Dear Lord, I pray for those fathers… pwede po ba, paki-batukan naman sila. Nakakainis na eh.” Hahaha.

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The mass ended with kids giving a Fathers day presentation. It was the Children’s Mass so they prepared a surprise for the fathers. It was nice. There were a lot of fathers who were there, but I couldn’t help but wish these kids’ fathers were there to feel the love too.

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I was reading the Parish newsletter today. It said something about how “fatherless” today’s society has become, and how the next generation will practically grow up without any father in their lives. OUCH. While my son still has a father, we all know being a biological father who sends some money every month is not what kind of father a child needs. As a father, you can give all the riches of the world to your child, but if you are not there, you will not gain your child’s love and respect.

The newsletter went on that this “phenomenon”, if you will, is a threat to society. And it must be solved NOW.

Then I went on to read the next page, and saw wedding banns. It’s a portion of the newsletter where all of the scheduled weddings are posted, along with the names and photos of couples to inform everyone that they are getting married, and so anyone who knows of a legal impediment for any of them to do so can do something about it. Anyway, I was thinking, while looking at the photos, how men usually “prepare” for marriage. Their main concern is the financial stability. They think that to be a good husband and father, they should be a good provider. I agree, of course. But if that’s all you do, then you are just as good as your wife’s job, or the bank, or a charity – they all provide money and benefits. Heck, your wife can just opt to NOT marry you and make her own fortune! Being a family man goes beyond the financial aspect. Of course, we all KNOW that. Men who grew up without memories of their fathers KNOW that. Men who grew up with pathetic, useless, monstrous fathers KNOW that. But as they say, knowing without doing is nothing. Sigh.

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A lot of thoughts flowed through my mind during that one hour I spent in church today.

I was thinking of why God called himself Father. Why not Mother? Or brother? Or leader? Or king? Why FATHER?

Then I thought, maybe it’s because God knew that people will need a Father to turn to. Because most mothers will stick it out with their kids no matter the challenge, but a lot of fathers won’t. So women will need a husband, and children, a father. And Jesus can be both.

Now isn’t that profound?

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I read in a blogger’s book review about Augusten Burrough’s book and his view about fathers. He said that “fathers are a luxury”, and I couldn’t agree more.

It’s funny, in a very sad way, that people have become so used to seeing families without a father, or whose fathers don’t deserve to be there. They just shrug it off and say, oh well, he’s a jerk.

But when you find out about a family whose mother walked out on them? Oh you would think that is the most evil woman in the planet. A woman who runs away with another man, and leaves her kids behind. Oh she deserves to rot in hell. And men who do that? Oh, well, he’s a man, what can you do? He’s rich, good looking, oh he’s got that gorgeous body. Marry a man like that, expect the worst.

Wo-hoow. That’s how sick society has become. And you get hurt when your sister marries someone like that. You blame God when your daughter ends up being a battered wife and your grandkids are abused by their father.

I don’t know who to blame. Sometimes, men have wonderfula parents and end up being abusive. I don’t know. Heck, I don’t know if despite trying so hard to be a good mom, if my son will end up being a good man, or someone worse than his father. I sure pray that he becomes a good man. No matter if he’s not an achiever. I just want my son to be a good person, a good man worthy of love and genuine respect. I just have no idea how to teach him that if all he sees is my father, his father, his other grandfather, and every man in our family who failed to be a good one.

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Sometimes, I wonder, if I could have gotten a life better than this if my father just did what he had to do. See, he was a good father. He never hurt us physically, never yelled at us. He was so kind, in fact, he couldn’t say no especially to his friends. So what broke our family wasn’t because of something he did to us. But what he did not do for us. He could not say no to temptation.

Eventually, the truth had to come out. His mistress was someone who lived in the same town. A mother of one of my friends in the Parish Youth Ministry. What aggravated the situation was that he lost his job, and my brother started his own family at 19 yo. And I had to go to college. So the rest is history, and every time I missed a concert at the university, or I couldn’t join a field trip because I was so ashamed to ask for more money from my uncle, I would blame my father.

It was a good thing that my uncle and aunt were somehow religious and were active in church. I still remember my aunt talked to me and told me to just do my best and whatever my family is going through, it will pass and that I should learn to forgive my father. I knew she didn’t like him, she knew things that I didn’t. But I guess, as a parent, she was just trying to help me and guide me. I’m sure my aunt has forgotten about that talk. I am thankful, though, that I still remember.

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I am wondering what my father and what Lex’s father are thinking of, and how they feel about themselves. I’m wondering if it is normal for men to be … insensitive and irresponsible. Whether they worry about their kids, or they are thankful that they get to enjoy their lives while claiming the title “father” without having to work for it. I wonder if their hearts beat for their children as well, or only for themselves. I wonder.

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If you are a father, please do the world a favor. Please, be good at it. Please, love your wife. Be faithful to her. Please, love your children. Be a hero to them. Please, enjoy doing it. Cherish your fatherhood. Be happy to be a father and a husband. Be a necessity, not a luxury. Let fatherhood be a constant presence in the family, and not a rarity.

If you are a father and you have no role model because yours was not there for you, please, do not look far. We all know who we should turn to in these circumstances. God (Jesus) is father to the fatherless. And let your family guide you as well. After all, you can have all the info, but you still have to do it.

Break the cycle, if you have an irresponsible, abusive or apathetic father, let him be the last one. Break the cycle. Start a new culture. Start anew. You owe it to your kids, your grandkids, their grandkids.

And if you’re gonna do it anyway, please, do it well. So when the day comes, your family will be proud to greet you.

Happy Fathers Day.

a thought just popped in my head and I know I just had to write it NOW.

The past few days (or weeks, or months?) I have been thinking about (not) having a relationship, and how much I’m getting frustrated and impatient about it. On my most recent post, I wrote about feeling hopeless, and finding comfort from people who felt the same, but later “found” the right one for them.

Then I think about the people I know who married in their late 30’s or 40’s, and those who were married but separated later on, and only recently settled down with someone new after years of being single parents.

And I wonder at what stage in my life will I be “united” with that someone special.

then the thought popped in my head: life is like a marathon, not a race. You don’t have to be first, you don’t have to be ahead of everyone else. So if all your classmates and friends have gotten married, or have found their vocation, or have purchased their first house – do not despair. You still have a chance to make things right – fix your finances, find your dreams, pursue the things you’ve put off for a while, meet friends old and new, explore the possibilities…

And last weekend, a new possibility was revealed to me, a new door opened. I have always said that I will never leave, because of personal, patriotic reasons. But perspective changes. And I do want to create options for my family.

I’m overwhelmed at the opportunities that are coming. I should – I will take it. I’ll be 30 in a few months and who knows how long I still have.

Life is not a race, because no one wants to be first in the finish line – which is death.

Do you believe God speaks to us in a lot of ways?

I do. And it amazes me at how He does it.

I haven’t been to church for a month now. Most times it’s because I’m just lazy. And I got excuses, like, it’s too hot to go outside, I have other things to do, I’m sick, blah blah. But anyway, I’m sure glad God doesn’t just exist in churches.

Anyway, this weekend was not eventful, for the most part, but I was able to watch a film that reminded me of my faith and how I have somehow neglected it.

I realized that what made me so… lonely, is that I sort of relied on people to make me happy. I have somehow “invested” my time and emotions on people who I know will not reciprocate the gesture, and I blamed it on my status, my son, my insecurities, that no one would come to make me happy.

Of course I am aware that happiness doesn’t have to come from things, or people. But I have forgotten that, or maybe I hoped that it was wrong, and that someday, I’ll “find” that thing or person who will make me feel complete.

Then I come across this film, the music, the message. I know that it’s not bad to hope and wait for that something or someone to come. But while I wait for it/him, it’s best to fill the space with God’s presence so He can lead me to where i’m supposed to be.

This is a letter I emailed to my dear friend. I know it’s supposed to be private, but I just felt like sharing it, maybe it will bless someone, somehow.

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Dearest H,

Happy 30th birthday! Can you believe it’s our 30th year on earth? It seemed just like yesterday when we were 16 and were hopeful and eager freshmen ready to conquer the world.

I’m so glad that after 13 years, we are still good friends, well, I do consider you as my best friend, my family-by-choice. I know that sounds too dramatic, especially now that we have lives of our own that we don’t really talk much anymore. But , well, you know what I mean when I say that, we may not be close, we may not talk every day, but I know that when I need you, or when you need me, we are there for each other, and when we talk, it seems that we just last got together yesterday.

I wanna take this chance to thank you – for the years of friendship and love, for your forgiveness and understanding. Thank you for sharing your life, your faith, your friends and your family. Thank you for being the gentleman that you are, for living your life as you believe God wants you to live. Thank you for your prayers, they do mean a lot, and I know that they do work.

You know, I have to share with you, that when you told me you have a girlfriend already, I felt scared. Scared that you won’t be the same, that someone was about to steal my friend. I know it’s stupid and crazy, but I am glad that when I met M, I knew right away that my friend is in good hands. I am glad that you have found another soul who shares the same faith, values and vision, and that is really important. I no longer feel scared or paranoid that someone is about to hurt you, I know she will not let you down. I am truly happy for the love you share, and I know that it has blessed a lot of the people you deal with, especially the younger ones who look up to you for guidance.

And speaking of guidance, I am so proud of you, of how you dealt with J and the challenges of bringing him closer to God. I am glad to see now that even though he is still in that “org”, he has a stronger foundation to resist whatever is out there. I’m glad you did not give up on him.

Anyway, I know I have missed out a lot of your achievements at work and church, but whatever. I am proud of you, and I am blessed and honored to be one of your many many friends. And I am even more blessed to be able to see how much you have changed for the best. When I remember how self-centered you were back in our freshmen year – man! I wish you could see what I saw, and maybe you could just kick that kid’s ass. But of course you can’t kick your own ass, haha!

Well, I know this has been long, and it’s not like I’m saying goodbye! This is just supposed to be a birthday greeting!

But well, I sure hope I get to write you more birthday letters until we’re 80 and we’ve had lots of grandkids (well, maybe just you – Lex will be a priest haha!).

xxx

Here’s to your 30th year on earth, and our 13 years of friendship.

your FBC,

Lisa

National elections in the Philippines is on Monday, May 10, 2010. Candidates and supporters are doing their last minute campaign all over the country, while TV, print media and radio companies are making big bucks on political campaign ads.

With all these political circus going on, a thought popped in my mind: most of the candidates say they have the solution to our country’s problems. But do they really? Among all the presidential candidates, only 2 or 3 have mentioned that the solution starts with the people. Two of the candidates boldly say the President can stop poverty and corruption. I think what the other 3 candidates say about people being the solution makes more sense to me. I know people would tell me, of course that’s not exactly what the candidate means (about the Pres. being the solution), but still, the image that he/they show/s is “vote for me, I will solve the problems, poverty will be eradicated…” whatever. (there won’t be any poor people coz all of them would probably die of hunger already).

Anyway, although they have all these brilliant ideas on how to help the country, the point of this post is that people should realize that the President, and the government in general, is our PARTNER in helping the nation rise again. The President may be brilliant, but if the people around him are (still) corrupt, what good does it do to have that President? We already had one who had a clean track record, but still.

The point is that change really does have to start with the individual. People should be empowered to make a change, of course, with the good example from the people in the higher ups.

I remember reading from a mommy blog that says something like “mothers rule the world” because it is the mothers who raise children who eventually become the nation’s problem, or the nation’s problem solver. So when you really look at it, it starts with good parenting, supported by a good educational system, with a government that protects its people’s rights, etc. My point is, the government merely supports the Filipino family, but it is our choice as individuals whether or not to support the government by abiding by its rules.

This partnership should start the positive change we have been longing for. And there are actually candidates whose platform of government supports that idea. Unfortunately, I am a government employee and being the good girl that I am, I will not post in my blog whoever is my choice for President. The only thing I can say is I will not vote for puppets (people who do not decide for themselves).

May 10 is my first time to vote (imagine I am nearing my 30’s and I have never voted before – I was apathetic because I didn’t believe in change anymore). This time, though, along with thousands of Filipinos who have caught the “hope” virus, believing that it is still possible to have a better government, I will also hope. As they say, nothing is impossible. Maybe the Philippines can regain its honor, just like when it was just no. 2 next to Japan, and the Philippine currency exchange was PhP 2 = US$ 1. Maybe someday, we can tell our grandchildren “you are lucky to be born in this generation, because our country used to be poor and lawless, but look at it now…”

There is always hope, right?

I’m at home resting since yesterday. Now it’s right after lunch and the people at home are taking a nap. It’s quiet, and I’m here trying to figure out some stuff.

Yesterday, Mama said Lex was supposed to practice writing out the numbers in words (spelled out), and we ended up doing nothing. Lex and I played with the computer. Then Mama came back and asked what happened. I just smiled and said, nothing. She sighed a disappointed sigh, and said “SIGH! Mommy doesn’t know how to handle her son’s assignment!”

I just shrugged it off, of course. I mean come on, he’s just 4yo. Spell out the numbers? As in ONE, TWO, THREE… he can count up to a hundred, I think that’s good enough. Hehe.

Then again, I thought to myself, have I been too irresponsible? Have I been too lax since I know Mama can handle it?

I know that the time will come when Mama won’t be there anymore, and that I have to do things on my own. But for now, I don’t wanna think about that yet. I’m thinking, when that happens, I’ll learn to cope. I don’t wanna “prepare” for it. Like preparing for her to “go”.

I heard about two deaths in two weeks. One is my neighbor, an old lady who swallowed a santol seed that damaged her intestine, eventually leading to a cardiac arrest after her intestines were operated on. Another one is my cousin’s uncle in California just a few days ago. I get paranoid sometimes.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, I would look at my Mama and Lex, and wait, check whether they are breathing. I know that’s crazy.

Anyway, my thoughts today is all about… my fear of losing a family member. My colleague just got back to work after they buried her father. And she talked about how it felt – that she felt empty and there is a certain pain in her chest sometimes, when she remembers her father. She has always wondered how it felt, now she knows. And we tell her, “we don’t want to know”. And she says, absolutely.

I don’t know why death suddenly scares me again. The last time I felt paranoid was around 3 years ago, when a friend drowned in the sea. then a colleague had a heart attack while swimming. Then a college batchmate of mine died of cancer.

Anyway, I do know that when you look at the spiritual aspect, death is good. It’s the doorway to being united with the Creator. What’s hard is being left behind. And that, I do not want to happen.