while I'm waiting…

My Mama has been teasing me that I am old, because I am 30. My brother sent me a text saying “welcome to the 30’s generation”. But in my heart, I am stuck at 23. I still have a long list of things to do and I have slacked off on a lot of them, but as the quote says, “It is never too late to become what you might have been” (George Eliot), I will not give up on the things that I have set aside. So here are some of those things:

– reach 1st dan blackbelt for Taekwondo
– grow my potted vegetable garden
– get my own bicycle (for exercise!)
– ok fine, get my driver’s license
– get this freaking blog going and monetize it again!
– get a US visa (my colleague just got one a few months ago without being intimidated by the interviewer. hmm.)
– prepare for IELTS (meaning save up the money – it’s so expensive! come on, I can speak English! hehe)
– take up that make-up course and be a certified make-up artist!
– take voice lessons
– buy a new acoustic guitar and play again
– maybe learn some percussion
– get married on my 32nd birthday (just a dream, no pressure hehe)

Well the actual list is longer. Huh.

For now, I am glad to have finished Plants vs Zombees last week! Hahaha!

I am looking forward to the team dinner tonight, hope to post some photos tomorrow!

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand, and chaining a soul…
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and presents are not promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity not a grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns you if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you are really strong
and that you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn…

– Veronica Shoftstall

====

Thanks, Laiza, for sharing this piece of paper with me. Indeed, we can endure. So for my birthday, I’ll buy myself some flowers not because I’m desperate, but because I love myself! And I love fresh flowers. No parties for my 30th year, but I would love to drink lots and get drunk by myself. Hmm… I am now excited.

I met with my good friend Ani last night, a week after she lost her baby in a miscarriage. She is doing fine, and is always positive about everything, which makes me feel great to have her as my friend. She has every reason to be sad, bitter or lonely, but somehow, she sees the good things even in the worst of situations. So she told me about how she has had her baby placed in a bottle before they bury it in a few months time, when her husband comes home.

Anyway, the great part is talking to her about the recent changes in my life, which I haven’t really shared with most people yet, especially my family. But anyway, I am glad she supports me in my decision and is quite excited. See, she was one of my friends who were there when all the drama about Lex’s dad happened, so she saw how I changed, from being in-love, to hopeful, to heart broken. She has seen me struggle through the case, the responsibilities and frustrations. So now that everything is turning well, I guess somehow she believes I deserve to be happy – finally.

To think, that just last month, I was so frustrated at how rejected I felt and how hopeless I thought I was in being in any sort of a relationship.

She talked about focusing on what oyu want, and I was like, yes, exactly! I was just reading a book about that – about desiring something, and actually allowing yourself to have it when the chance comes up. What happens to most people is, when a chance comes, they push it away because of fear. In my case, there is a great deal of fear and apprehension, but I am going after it anyway, knowing that in the end, whatever people have to say will not matter, because ultimately, those other people who might have some opinion, are not the people who will be there for me anyway. So why bother thinking about what they might think? My good friend thinks I deserve it, and my best friend Jo thinks I should go for it. Maybe my family will understand later on, but for now, I will have to wait till the right time.

And now I am allowing the good things to come my way.

Do you ever wonder how so and so can be in love with so and so, when so and so looks like this and has such and such attitude, etc. etc.?

I myslef wonder, how people can love someone totally unloveable in our point of view. But I guess that’s love, real, genuine love. Sometimes though, love and obsession can be confused and people end up being miserable in the end.

If I knew how to distinguish between the two, it would be way easier.

So when do I decide that I love a person? As in in-love, with hopes of forever.

I wish I can really give a clear answer. But until now, I am still lost. Standards change, and somehow, we mature and what was unacceptable before becomes irrelevant now. I usually stay away from people with “a past”, but now that I too, have “a past”, it has become acceptable, depending on whether the person has totally moved on. In fact, it has its advantages, since we have gained wisdom from the past that we are more confident of handling problems in the future.

So what is my point. I guess, for now, I can say that I love not because of what the person is (of course there are important considerations), but more of how the person makes me feel.

And for now, someone makes me feel really beautiful despite of. And because of that, i have learned to see the beauty in him despite of.

by Savage Garden

Whether I’m right or wrong
There’s no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We’ll be in the dirt designing stars

You are..
So Beautiful

I barely knew my grandfather (my father’s dad). All I know is that he was a World War II veteran, eventually became part of the Philippine Army and retired as an Army Captain. I have learned more about him recently when we were “reunited” with the rest of the Bacani clan, since my uncles have spent a lot of time with him.

One thing I remember about him was that he traveled from Ilocos Sur to Cavite (around 400 plus km., and more than 10 hrs. bus ride) to visit my brother, and that he was the one who was there during my brother’s wedding in my father’s place (we were still not in good terms with my father that time). And during that time, when our family had a crisis, my grandfather GAVE me his bank book so I could withdraw his pension money EVERY MONTH and help us out financially. It was not really a huge amount but he was living off his pensions and he had to give up one of them. I guess, in a way, it is his way of compensating for having a (once) irresponsible son (sorry Papa, you know that’s true hehe).

Anyway, recent events in the family has inspired my cousin to rummage through his mom’s old photos, scanned them and posted them on Facebook. Here, I share some of the photos of my grandfather, the highly respected (but almost forgotten) Capt. Juan Bacani.

My uncle’s comment on FB: “uncle john must be in college here, enrolled at centro escolar also takin dentistry. second year college siya when WWII broke up. he was recruited. lolo hugo and dad just learned about it thru relatives. the next time they saw him was at death march. classic no?”

My uncle’s comment on FB: “i think this is in fort magsaysay, uncle john was assigned in tabak division of the army”

(Written at the back)
Dec. 31, 1966
“Scene was taken in front of Saigon Catholic Cathedral. Jeep is a PHILCAG, one driven by a Sgt. Reyes whom I requested to make the shot. It is in this vicinity where Filipinos by the hundreds meets and stroll especially after Sunday mass. Saigon”

(Written at the back)
Saigon, Vietnam Dec. 21/1967
“To Emy,

Love Daddy”
(Emy is my father’s youngest sister)

With this photo, my father’s cousin, Tito Willie recalled how Lolo Juan showed his concern for the family: “when he was long retired from the service i was asking him to give me his 45cal…this is what he told me (translated from Kapampangan to Tagalog) ‘Loko, nuong galing ako ng Vietnam nag-uwi ako ng baril, kahit gaano pa..di ko inisip na bigyan ko kayo ng baril..ngayon pa!..hindi nyo kailangan ng baril..husto na.. na ako na lang ang humawak ng baril sa mga Bacani’ (When I went back from Vietnam I brought home guns, but even then I didn’t think of giving you one. You do not need it. It is enough that I am last of the Bacani’s to hold a gun.)

(Written at the back)
“Saigon, Vietnam.
Daddy in his rugged attire. This is where I stay and live. Our billet is not seen in picture. It is very cold now. The temperature is 14F. I am wearing a sweater and a leather jacket.”

I may be biased, but hey, my grandfather IS gorgeous, isn’t he?

=======

Thank you, Lolo Juan, for your memories. And thank you, my uncles and aunts, for sharing his memories with us!

by David Archuleta

I’ve been alone so many nights now
And I’ve been waiting for the stars to fall
I keep holding out for what I don’t know
To be with you
Just to be with you

And when you’re standing here in front of me
That’s when I know that God does exist
‘Cause He will have answered every single prayer
To be with you
Just to be with you

==========
for you. be safe.

Dear God,

Thank You for this month, the fifth year of my “motherhood”, the fifth year of life with my son, Lex. It has been a great month, and hopefully just the beginning of more wonderful months to come. In the meantime, thank You for…

… my little five year old, Lex! Gosh, it has been five years? and he can speak better now. He tells stories with matching sound effects, facial expressions and actions. He’s adorable (of course, I’m the mom) and is so sweet. He can be a pain at times, especially if he wants something we don’t approve of. He can be very VERY stubborn and persistent. But I think it’s God’s way to train me as a parent. Do you know how it is when coaches give you a hard time, just so you develop mental toughness and physical agility? It’s the same way with Lex. He is God’s practical exam. Thank You God, for Lex. I am up for practical exams every day, if it means more memories and precious moments with my baby

… my very patient Mama, who has taken double responsibility over watching Lex and my nephew. thank You, God, for keeping her health, despite some challenges with hypertension recently. I hope she gets to recover and that the kids will behave more so she won’t get too stressed out. She says the kids are a big headache, which also means “I love these kids, I’d be so lonely without them”. Haha!

… friends. Lovely people who I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, without fear of being judged or stereotyped. Friends who I can reach through phone, chat or mental telepathy (kidding – I wish!). How would my world be without them? I’d probably had gone crazy talking to imaginary creatures… hehe

… the possibilities that make me smile throughout the day accompanied by phone calls and messages and God knows what next (see, smiles )

… my job, my extra-curriculars, my books, my CDs, music, and all the things that take up my time…

… technology, especially the Internet, that gives people an opportunity to stay connected

… reliable cellphones! Overseas phone calls and unlimited texts. And the fact that in the Philippines, we don’t get charged for received calls and text messages.

… green-eyed creatures and giant teddy bears

And I can’t think of more because for now, I am most thankful for LOVE.

How much time do we need to spend to know that a person is worth loving?

I have been wondering about this these past days. Actually, I have been wondering about a LOT of things. They are pretty overwhelming and i don’t know if I even want to say what these are exactly.

People set standards for everything. That is to make things more effective and efficient. Imagine having different voltage levels for residential electricity users. If your neighbor borrows your microwave oven and it is rated 110 V, and your neighbor uses 240V, goodluck. Or rather, goodbye microwave. So we have set the residential voltage level to be 110 in the states, and in the Philippines, it’s 220V. That’s why when I was young, I broke some appliances because some were gifts from relatives who came home from the states, and I plugged them directly instead of using a transformer first.

And so, people set standards and people expect you to follow. The standards have expanded to cover even the way we live – what house to buy, what job to take, even our kids’ education, what kind of birthday party to give to our five year old… Then there’s set rules on what kind of man or woman you should choose, otherwise, people would raise their eyebrows and who knows what else they would raise, and it’s like you’re expected to explain or apologize. Imagine, apologizing to your parents for falling in love with a maid, or a security guard. Fall in love with a business tycoon? no problem. Fall in love with a janitor? Goodluck.

So, we have set standards. I myself am guilty of it. What can i do, I grew up with virtual walls in my mind. Anyone more than two years older or younger, is out of the list. Like, if I’m a circuit, I have a +/- 2V tolerance level. Anything beyond that will break the circuit. Anything beyond what I have set for myself will not ‘break’ my life, but it will ‘break’ the ‘image’ I have set for myself. And since I came from the best university in the country, I have unintentionally set another standard – if a man can’t handle the fact that I’m better than him in any aspect, get lost.

Living within the standards is safe. But as they say, anything that will make you feel alive, is outside what is safe. Living within the standard is called existence. Living outside your comfort zone is called life.

Of course I know that. But it’s not what we know, right? It’s what we do.

So I think about all these and I suddenly realize – God doesn’t set standards for loving us. I’m not saying that since He loves us so much, we can all do whatever we want and ignore His teachings. Rather, He loves us regardless, with the intention of helping us have a change of heart and return to Him.

God’s love is just plain crazy. Meaning, we can’t comprehend it at all, so I say it’s crazy. and in life, when we have set all these standards for whatever, God interferes and breaks down all the walls we have set up for ourselves. It is ironic that when I tell myself, “I would never…”, something happens and I end up doing whatever it is I try to avoid. And after that, I realize – it’s not that bad.

So how long do we need to realize that love has come in our midst, and that it is real? The standards say a lot. My standards say maybe a year. Ok, a few months? Heck, a few weeks?

And that is just the “time aspect”. Don’t even ask me about everything else. Suffice it to say, God’s signs of love have shattered every standard I have set. Every single one. Except for the core of the matter – the most important aspects.

Anyway, my colleague have mentioned before, at how we lower our standards to the brink of desperation because we simply do not want to live life alone. It’s scary to think that I would come to that point. I hope I never have to. I hope that my Joseph comes before that happens.

This is actually a revival by Sarah Geronimo. Been listening to it recently.. hmm…nice

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck
With lovers before

And I couldn’t compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over it’s burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

You’re not like the rest
I know you’re one of the best
You give more than you should
And take nothing in return

Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on
Always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over it’s burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

We celebrated Lex’s fifth birthday yesterday, July 17. It’s been five years already? It seemed like it was just yesterday when I had my caesarian section that is similar to this video.

ready to blow the candle - after playing outside

Anyway, I am thankful for the five years, and the nine months prior to that. I never imagined how it would be after Lex’s birth. all I knew was I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

I am really grateful to God for Lex’s life – it has somehow “forced” me to see beyond myself and actually live and look forward to the future. I am amazed at how Lex is turning out. He is really eager to learn more in school, and everywhere else (sometimes it can be annoying), and he has become so sweet that it’s easy to forgive him when he’s all naughty and bad.

His fifth birthday celebration went out really well, considering that this inexperienced mom didn’t prepare well for it (hehe). We cooked the usual birthday food – spaghetti, hotdogs, chicken, lumpiang shanghai, and the birthday treats – cake and ice cream! then my collague came by with her family, and as promised, she hosted some games for the kids, who really had fun.

Lex enjoyed all his gifts, and is more sociable now, so he was really game with the pictures, and he greeted each visitor that came by, and he said goodbye as they left. And I think he really enjoyed all the attention.

Lex’s dad called up in the afternoon to greet him. I handed the phone to Lex, who only said ‘hello’, then shoved the phone away. Unfortunately, I had to listen to his dad sing ‘happy birthday’, hahaha. As always, he ‘promised’ to take Lex out the ‘next time’ he’s ‘available’.

Anyway, the night ended with left over spaghetti and cake that will last us for several days, depending on our appetite hehe. Today, I will be taking Lex out for Timezone and maybe a movie if he feels like it, and to get him his new clothes, care of the father who is now in far away Basilan.

======

I am glad to note that this year is unfolding with a lot of surprises and new things – VERY new things, that leaves me awed and excited at the same time. I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I know that several little choices can lead to something really wonderful – something I have always prayed for, hoped for, longed for. And as they say, nothing of value is easy. So while chasing this new dream may be VERY inconvenient, emotionally draining and unsure, I think the risk is worth it. Besides, in a blink of an eye, Lex will be 15, and I, 40. Gosh, I would have liked to have done something really significant in between!

=======

Most of the single moms I knew, who eventually found their current husbands, started seriously dating again after their kids turned five. And now I’m wondering, is it my time as well?

Haha, well, we never know.

=======

All in all, I am looking forward to more birthday celebrations for Lex.

Thank you for coming over: my good friend Meong and his wonderful family Heide and Ivy, Ms. Lorie (from Lex’s school), my cousin Irene, the neighborhood kids Niel, Mikey and sister, and Ian, UPSCAns Margie, Louise and Nanette with little Lina, my colleagues Atty. Grace and her family, Arvin, Thea and Julian, the ‘late’ Laiza (hehe kidding, she was late), and of course my big bro Cris and his son Grendel. And always grateful for my Mama and our kasambahay, Dedeng.

Thank You, Lord, for these angels in our lives!