while I'm waiting…

Do you ever wonder how so and so can be in love with so and so, when so and so looks like this and has such and such attitude, etc. etc.?

I myslef wonder, how people can love someone totally unloveable in our point of view. But I guess that’s love, real, genuine love. Sometimes though, love and obsession can be confused and people end up being miserable in the end.

If I knew how to distinguish between the two, it would be way easier.

So when do I decide that I love a person? As in in-love, with hopes of forever.

I wish I can really give a clear answer. But until now, I am still lost. Standards change, and somehow, we mature and what was unacceptable before becomes irrelevant now. I usually stay away from people with “a past”, but now that I too, have “a past”, it has become acceptable, depending on whether the person has totally moved on. In fact, it has its advantages, since we have gained wisdom from the past that we are more confident of handling problems in the future.

So what is my point. I guess, for now, I can say that I love not because of what the person is (of course there are important considerations), but more of how the person makes me feel.

And for now, someone makes me feel really beautiful despite of. And because of that, i have learned to see the beauty in him despite of.

by Savage Garden

Whether I’m right or wrong
There’s no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We’ll be in the dirt designing stars

You are..
So Beautiful

A new book – sometimes that’s all I need to wake me up from this zombie-ness that I have been in. I’m really not good at doing book reviews, but anyway, the last book that I read, Be the Hero by Noah Blumenthal reminded me of another strong, powerful book, Leadership and Self-Deception. The good thing about Be the Hero is that it’s short, easier to read, and is “kinder” in its approach. Basically, both book tells us that the stories we tell ourselves ultimately affects the way we see life, the way we treat others, and the way we forge through our future. Leadership and Self-Deception’s “thinking out of the box” approach is similar to Be the Hero’s “what does the hero see? / what will the hero do?” approach.

In simpler terms, our moods, our attitude, is affected by what we think, whether it’s true or not. And most times, we only look at ourselves, we think of our needs, our rights, our wants, me, me, me! Thinking out of the box, or being a hero, thinks of the other person – how come she acts like that? Why did he say that? Maybe, she is going through some rough situation and she did not mean to … and we start becomeing empathetic. Not that we have to always make excuses for other people’s actions, but it is trying to take the focus off ourselves, and actually try to see others.

Well, reading the book is best if you want to really understand what I’m talking about. My point is – we read lots of books about the same things. Yet, in my case, I still forget to learn. Well, I shouldn’t.

Recently, I have been “in the box”, blaming other people for my being in a miserable state (miserable only in my point of view, of course). And reading some parts of the book made me feel uncomfortable (just like when I was reading Leadership… it felt like being whacked on the head), that I wanted to scream at the author “so, what are YOU saying, huh?!!!” Hahaha, I know, it’s really stupid. But I guess, in a way, the book has worked for me, because it stirred up all these emotions, that it forced me to understand the book and reflect about my life. Isn’t that what the books are for?

Anyway, I do hope that in the days to come, I can stick to the “hero stories”, and get rid of the “victim stories”. Be on solution mode. God provides. We have the solution. In fact, we are the solution, don’t you think?

by David Archuleta

I’ve been alone so many nights now
And I’ve been waiting for the stars to fall
I keep holding out for what I don’t know
To be with you
Just to be with you

And when you’re standing here in front of me
That’s when I know that God does exist
‘Cause He will have answered every single prayer
To be with you
Just to be with you

==========
for you. be safe.

Love, love, love this song, by the Savage Garden. It was included in the soundtrack of the movie, The Other Sister. The song is fun, the movie was fun too. Just in the mood for fun, upbeat music!

Hope you enjoy The Animal Song as much as I do.

This is actually a revival by Sarah Geronimo. Been listening to it recently.. hmm…nice

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck
With lovers before

And I couldn’t compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over it’s burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

You’re not like the rest
I know you’re one of the best
You give more than you should
And take nothing in return

Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on
Always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over it’s burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

My all-time favorite. It seems that today is a good time to sing it

by Savage Garden

I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
‘Coz I’m counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.
yeah

I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I’ll love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do…

Do you believe God speaks to us in a lot of ways?

I do. And it amazes me at how He does it.

I haven’t been to church for a month now. Most times it’s because I’m just lazy. And I got excuses, like, it’s too hot to go outside, I have other things to do, I’m sick, blah blah. But anyway, I’m sure glad God doesn’t just exist in churches.

Anyway, this weekend was not eventful, for the most part, but I was able to watch a film that reminded me of my faith and how I have somehow neglected it.

I realized that what made me so… lonely, is that I sort of relied on people to make me happy. I have somehow “invested” my time and emotions on people who I know will not reciprocate the gesture, and I blamed it on my status, my son, my insecurities, that no one would come to make me happy.

Of course I am aware that happiness doesn’t have to come from things, or people. But I have forgotten that, or maybe I hoped that it was wrong, and that someday, I’ll “find” that thing or person who will make me feel complete.

Then I come across this film, the music, the message. I know that it’s not bad to hope and wait for that something or someone to come. But while I wait for it/him, it’s best to fill the space with God’s presence so He can lead me to where i’m supposed to be.

I just heard abt another death today. An orgmate’s sister passed away, tho I don’t know the details. Anyway, she had to postpone her wedding plans this year. I feel sad for her and her family for the loss, of course. I do not mean to be insensitive or what, but the tragedy did not stick to my mind today. Rather, what struck me is the idea of marriage.

I was texting another orgmate (BTW, “orgmate” is someone you know in the same organization, hehe) a while ago and asked her about her wedding plans. Turned out that her parents aren’t ready to let her go yet. So she, too, has to postpone the plan. I suddenly remembered what my Mama told me before: “why the rush? If you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with that one person anyway, then there’s no need to get married ASAP.”

Of course, when you’re in love and totally crazy about your special someone, you just can’t wait to be “officially married”.

While walking to the shuttle station, I was pondering on that thought. Couples, on their wedding day, share that moment when everything is perfect. Then after the wedding, depending on the situation of course, reality sinks in and they start facing the challenges – the most obvious one is the financial aspect. Then, in the Philippines, a lot of couples either live with one’s parents, or the other way, the parents live with them. And they face the second challenge – dealing with in-laws. Then the next one comes after the romance has taken a backseat – the little flaws you used to ignore becomes annoying, and then becomes an issue. Then the next big challenge – the baby. And I wonder, is that the reason most people who reach their 30’s and are still single, end up being single longer? Because they have seen enough that they fear having a hard time. Because their friend ended up like this or like that, and they want to “be prepared”, either financially or “emotionally” (whatever that means, who is ever emotionally ready for anything anyway?) Because they want to be “sure” that the next one is “the right one”, or simply “the one”.

Well, here’s news for you. Whoever is the next one for me is the Nth one, hopefully the last (I was supposed to say the exact number, but, nah) I do hope he will be right for me, but I also pray that I am the right one for him. See, I have this “image” of a man that I want, the kind of man that will stand up for me (okay, figuratively and literally, hehehe), the man that I share the same values and vision with, someone I can share my dreams, fantasies and crazy ideas without fear or shame. I have this vivid image of how he will treat me, how he would brush my hair with his fingers and sing to me no matter how awful his singing voice might sound. I have this image of the man who will be my last, the last one who, hopefully, will wait till my death before he finds a new one.

Because I have experienced the challenges of preparing for a child to come, I realized, you do not just prepare for a wedding. You do not just plan which church to have the ceremonies in, what dress to wear and where to have the honeymoon. You have to prepare for life after. Life waaay after the wedding. Life after she loses that figure and he loses his hair. Life after the kids have grown and have lives of their own. Of course you prepare one step at a time, the same way that you live every day, one day at a time.

Sigh. Of course, all these, are just words of a hopeless romantic who thought she almost had it. Well, I’m glad it was just “almost”, because I also “almost” went straight to hell (haha!). Anyway, these are my thoughts tonight, and since I’m all mushy cheezy chummy, let me share this really great song from Side A, a Filipino band popular for its romantic, emotional songs. Enjoy.

I was mostly at home this weekend, and I didn’t do anything “productive”. I feel a bit sad, but mostly, I feel numb. Like, I don’t care about responsibilities at the moment. I just want to be lazy, surf the net, watch TV, take afternoon naps.

But tomorrow’s monday again, and I have to be back to my “responsible” self. See, when the bills come, I wake up and realize, darn. No one’s gonna do things for me. Sigh.

Sometimes, I wish I can go back to just being a kid who doesn’t have a clue about what’s really going on.

——

Someone out there is going through tough times. Someone, who is forced to face the pain of being left behind, of being insulted and denied. Pretty much like how it was for me. But this is much worse, because they are married, and they have a kid. And when you are married and your husband DENIES you in front of everybody, the pain is worse than anything else. I feel for her. And I am glad she’s toughing up and is taking the necessary steps to be free.

I always wonder why guys could do that. Sometimes, when I hear of a man who is so heartbroken he wants to kill himself, I silently laugh at him and say “that’s for all the women your kind has hurt. bastard.” I know it’s not fair. Let’s just say, we all have the right to be (silently) bitter sometimes.

————

It’s weird, that even though I am making an effort to move forward and not let the past trap me anymore, I am forced to look back and remember. Because someone asks me how it was, how I dealt with it, how “he” dealt with it. And I have to share, because this person is going through a similar situation. Well, with all honesty, I know that I have somehow moved on, and I no longer have the desire to get back together. But it’s like, I am not supposed to forget. Because someone else might need the info. Sigh.

———-

I showed Lex his father’s photo BTW. And Lex just said “what is that?”. I told him, that’s your daddy. Then suddenly, Lex shoved the photo away and made this “i don’t care who that is” face. It’s really odd. I insisted on showing him the photo but he didn’t want to look at it anymore. I am surprised, confused, and worried.

I texted his father about it, and he said something like, “it’s expected, because he has been hearing bad things about me”. And i replied something like “excuse me. we never talk about you. I do not allow anyone to tell my son bad things about you because I know how it feels to have people say bad things about my father. My family isn’t like most people out there you know”. Geez. I just hate that he thinks we are like people he knows in his neighborhood who talk trash about people. Lex doesn’t even know he has a father because we don’t talk about it. And I prefer that we don’t. We can discuss it some other time when he starts asking questions.

He just doesn’t have an idea how much I tried to protect him from my family. How much I tried to keep this “issue” between the two of us and no longer drag my family into the picture. He had no idea why I attended hearings all by myself. He has no idea that my family does not decide for me.

—————-

Can you believe he’s asking for a birthday gift from me? I told him, you didn’t even give Lex a birthday gift and a Christmas gift last year. We’re not related, so why would I give you a gift?

Haha. I know. Harsh.

———–

See, 5 years. And I still blog about “him”! Darn. Oh well, that means I need to read more new books. (connect?)

But then I watch war movies now. Watched part 5 of The Pacific today. Maybe that’s an indication that I have totally moved forward. Soldiers being killed, bombs, etc. etc.doesn’t bother me anymore. Just don’t let me watch Army Wives.

———-

I know I sound annoying about not wanting to blog about the past but still it finds its way through  my posts. Maybe it’s true, I heard somewhere, that people dwell in the past because there are no new memories yet that will surpass it. Something like that. While my experience as a mom has been priceless, it’s not something that will make the past seem like a dream (duh, it even solidifies the past because of its “result”!). Anyway, life is calling. I know it’s time to make new memories. New, worthwhile, priceless memories. With people who matter more than what was.

——-

Watched Ghost Town on HBO today. I liked the soundtrack. And the story. Here’s one of the songs. It fits where I’m at.

(movie trailer)

What I’m Looking For

Well I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won’t be satisfied
‘Till there’s nothing left that I haven’t tried
For some people it’s an easy choice
But for me there’s a devil and an angel’s voice
Well I don’t know what I am looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more

Looking for…
What I’m looking for…

I read the entertainment section of the papers today, and I saw an article about a famous Filipino actor’s son who died a few days ago. The son committed suicide because of some fight between him and his girlfriend. He was only 23.

Initially, my reaction was, stupid kid. Why would he waste his life on some girl who might not value him as much (I am assuming that bec. a person wouldn’t think of hurting himself if he’s secure in the relationship). And the parents – think of how devastated they are. To devote their time and love to a child for 20 plus years, only to lose him over a fight with someone he’s known for who knows, a few years? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

But then again, who am I to judge? I had suicidal thoughts myself when I was pregnant (and that’s like, double sin – killing myself and my unborn child). But that’s exactly how people think if they feel that they are taken for granted. That’s how people think when they feel alone in the midst of friends and family. That’s how one special person can impact someone’s life – and death.

Ultimately, people with suicidal thoughts only want to feel one thing (okay, one major thing among a lot of other things) – that is to feel important. Important enough that the person they value would take the time to talk and listen and understand and forgive. Important enough for the person they value to drop everything for just a couple of minutes and give their full attention. Sure, the family is there. The friends are there. But just “being there” doesn’t help. It’s even more frustrating. That the people they value is present, but do not have time to pay attention. I’m not saying the family and friends are apathetic. It’s just that… how do I say it… there are times when you just want to talk and actually FEEL safe, that you don’t have to pretend and “edit” your story. That you can just say whatever without worrying about what the other would think.

Now I wonder if I am that person. That someone whom a person can feel safe with. And I am wondering if I will become a good enough mom that my son would not even think of suicide even if girls dump him or take advantage of him. I wonder… I hope. I just hope I do not have to lose someone I love that way, because it will make me wonder whether I neglected my role as a friend. And that will even be more painful.

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Sharing this song by David Archuleta. I was wondering why it’s a bonus track released in Japan. And in my opinion, it’s meant for that crowd, because if you check it out, Japan has a high rate of suicide among young people. And the song sort of reaches out to tell them, you don’t have to …

Save the Day

“… keep breathing
I said that I’ll always be there
now I mean it more than ever before
there’s a future worth fighting for
so don’t be scared
I know how you must be feeling
no one there to help you carry the pain
I’m coming to save the day…”