while I'm waiting…

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand, and chaining a soul…
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and presents are not promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity not a grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns you if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you are really strong
and that you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn…

– Veronica Shoftstall

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Thanks, Laiza, for sharing this piece of paper with me. Indeed, we can endure. So for my birthday, I’ll buy myself some flowers not because I’m desperate, but because I love myself! And I love fresh flowers. No parties for my 30th year, but I would love to drink lots and get drunk by myself. Hmm… I am now excited.

We celebrated Lex’s fifth birthday yesterday, July 17. It’s been five years already? It seemed like it was just yesterday when I had my caesarian section that is similar to this video.

ready to blow the candle - after playing outside

Anyway, I am thankful for the five years, and the nine months prior to that. I never imagined how it would be after Lex’s birth. all I knew was I wasn’t prepared for any of it.

I am really grateful to God for Lex’s life – it has somehow “forced” me to see beyond myself and actually live and look forward to the future. I am amazed at how Lex is turning out. He is really eager to learn more in school, and everywhere else (sometimes it can be annoying), and he has become so sweet that it’s easy to forgive him when he’s all naughty and bad.

His fifth birthday celebration went out really well, considering that this inexperienced mom didn’t prepare well for it (hehe). We cooked the usual birthday food – spaghetti, hotdogs, chicken, lumpiang shanghai, and the birthday treats – cake and ice cream! then my collague came by with her family, and as promised, she hosted some games for the kids, who really had fun.

Lex enjoyed all his gifts, and is more sociable now, so he was really game with the pictures, and he greeted each visitor that came by, and he said goodbye as they left. And I think he really enjoyed all the attention.

Lex’s dad called up in the afternoon to greet him. I handed the phone to Lex, who only said ‘hello’, then shoved the phone away. Unfortunately, I had to listen to his dad sing ‘happy birthday’, hahaha. As always, he ‘promised’ to take Lex out the ‘next time’ he’s ‘available’.

Anyway, the night ended with left over spaghetti and cake that will last us for several days, depending on our appetite hehe. Today, I will be taking Lex out for Timezone and maybe a movie if he feels like it, and to get him his new clothes, care of the father who is now in far away Basilan.

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I am glad to note that this year is unfolding with a lot of surprises and new things – VERY new things, that leaves me awed and excited at the same time. I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I know that several little choices can lead to something really wonderful – something I have always prayed for, hoped for, longed for. And as they say, nothing of value is easy. So while chasing this new dream may be VERY inconvenient, emotionally draining and unsure, I think the risk is worth it. Besides, in a blink of an eye, Lex will be 15, and I, 40. Gosh, I would have liked to have done something really significant in between!

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Most of the single moms I knew, who eventually found their current husbands, started seriously dating again after their kids turned five. And now I’m wondering, is it my time as well?

Haha, well, we never know.

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All in all, I am looking forward to more birthday celebrations for Lex.

Thank you for coming over: my good friend Meong and his wonderful family Heide and Ivy, Ms. Lorie (from Lex’s school), my cousin Irene, the neighborhood kids Niel, Mikey and sister, and Ian, UPSCAns Margie, Louise and Nanette with little Lina, my colleagues Atty. Grace and her family, Arvin, Thea and Julian, the ‘late’ Laiza (hehe kidding, she was late), and of course my big bro Cris and his son Grendel. And always grateful for my Mama and our kasambahay, Dedeng.

Thank You, Lord, for these angels in our lives!

A lot of my posts are complaints about my life in general. Right now, I want to complain about my headache. That’s because I didn’t get my dose of coffee. Hmm.

Complaints are annoying. It drains the energy out of me. Yet I do it. Maybe because I’m hoping someone would sympathize. How pathetic. I myself do not want to hang around with negative people.

So change has to be deliberate. It cannot happen without effort.

Focus on the good things. If bad things happen, focus on the lessons – that will lead us to the good things.

So to start this deliberate change to minimize complaining and focus on the blessings, here is a list.

Lex got sick yesterday. He is absent for school today. We gave him some medication and he is okay. He is okay.

I was late for work – again. My fault, I slept till 7am. Got in at 9:06 – come onnnn! anyway, I came in safe. No accidents, no worries. (my colleague got into a vehicular accident yesterday – but she is okay. Just a swollen neck – ouch) Lesson learned – wake up and leave home early.

I’m having a slight headache. That’s because I didn’t drink coffee today. A friend told me about the effect of caffeine and nicotone in the system last night – and the reason it is addictive and it is hard to quit (as in the physiological explanation – insights from his doctor). Now that I understand that, I do not have to worry about my headache. I know the cause, so I can relax and let it pass.

I am bored. BUT I’m supposed to do some writing and reading and more writing. Lesson learned – manage my time! (I am so bad with that – meaning I have to get good at it. Yes?)

I feel lonely – thinking about that mushy relationship stuff again. But then, I should call my best friend and ask her about how her pregnancy is going, and whether she has really decided on getting married or not. Hmm. Lesson learned – so what if I don’t date anyone. There are friends and family who are worth my time and attention. Sayang ang oras sa pagmumukmok, baka pumangit pa ko hehe.

I feel like I don’t have enough money all the time. And when I get to have some spare, something happens – an illness, a family member in need, etc. etc. Like I make money just to give it away. But I used to be at the receiving end of financial “help” before. maybe it’s payback time. At least I have something. It sucks to always have to ask for help. Lesson learned – be thankful. It is always better to give than to receive.

Dear God,

“When you choose to change, grow, and move on, someone or something will come into your life to help you.” — Ralph Bruksos, “It’s Time To Move On!“

In my case, it’s in the form of books – books I did not choose. The books I’ve been reading have all been subscriptions for my business training program. And wow, it’s like they’re choosing books specifically for me.

Thank You, God, for my eyes, my eye glasses and my ability to read and understand. Please bless me with the courage and will to move – to act on what I have been learning. Thank you, for the life you are preparing for me. ‘The best is yet to come’.

Change.

It’s always challenging. I can say “difficult”, but “challenging” makes it… like I can do it.

so there are a lot I need to change – like the way I dress, the way I do my hair (or that should be, I should do my hair hehe!), the way I respond to people and situations…

But yes, I do know that the most important thing I need to change is my attitude.

It is my natural personality to be pessimistic and negative. I am in that category – I’m one of the people who whine about everything, procrastinate, always plays it safe, never takes risks, generally shy in person, not confrontational, and can never say ‘no’. I am also the one that has to make sure everything is right before I start, and I punish myself for my faults, and it’s hard for me to forgive – especially myself.

Most of those things are not good for me, but I know I can’t just suddenly become the opposite. It takes a lot of work, and patience. But I do recognize that I need to change, if I really want people to respond differently, and if I want to be happier with myself.

No need to impress anyone, or to try to help anyone at my expense. No more pity party, no more trying to chase people or things that are simply out of reach. It’s time to look forward with hope and expectation that I can be better. That one day, I can actually be proud of myself.

A work in progress.

I am in the process of becoming the person that, when I look in the mirror, I can tell the reflection that “You are worthy”.

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The song that tells me to… come on! Do it now!

Dare You To Move
by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Writing has helped me see things in a different light, especially when I have to read on things i don’t usually deal with or think about. Today, I read an article about being single. I have been whining a lot about my status and how impossible it would be to find someone who will accept “someone like me”. I get reassurances every now and then, but none of them wants to be “it”. Ha-ha. They just like telling me “you’ll find him”. Thank you, thank you.

But then again, why whine about something when I can just enjoy it while I’m here? i used to enjoy living alone in my own place without the distractions or the responsibilities. And now that I have a child and aBIG responsibility, I look back and somehow regret all those times that I shut myself in my apartment when I should have gone out with friends more often and traveled around the country.

The good news is that I have a very loving and patient mother who is willing to take care of my son while I work. She even insists that I go out to “meet someone”. She must be very concerned about how I haven’t seen anyone else in 6 years, when I have always had a boyfriend since I was 15. Anyway, she allows me to go out often, and does not nag me about being “irresponsible”. She even tells me “go out, spend money on yourself – get some new clothes for pete’s sake!and those shoes!…” She practically nags me to buy something expensive, to treat myself, not to shortchange myself since I have been the one who is working. I just love it that my mother thinks that way.

So what was I whining about again? Being alone? I think the only sad thing about being unattached is that I have no one to tell how my day has been, and that the other person is actually dying to hear about it. Of course I tell my friends how I am, but you know, I tell them “I’m okay” and they don’t ask me anything else, when in fact, I wanted to say more, but I would not want to waste their time, knowing that they aren’t interested anyway. So there. Friends aren’t always the best people to tell how my foot had some blisters after I bought that cheap pair of shoes, and how delicious that mongo pao in that Chinese restaurant was, and where I found nice winter coats and boots. My friends are not always interested in what I think about the ending of The Pacific, or what I really like about Jacob Black, or what I think the government should do about nuclear energy (I am for it, BTW). My friends will not find it cute when I sing mushy songs and tell them how I like acapella music. I’m not saying I have bad friends. It’s just that, they have lives of their own. And they think that I’m a mom, and moms are content with their kids.

So, anyway, aside from having no one to REALLY talk to, you know, someone who GETS IT, I guess I have no other complaints. I can watch a movie with anyone who wants to go with me. I can dine out alone or with whoever. I can shop without someone nag me on how impractical it is and how I should have just bought baby’s milk instead. I can come home at any time I want, as long as Lex isn’t alone. I can drink as much bottles of beer or glasses of liquor without anyone telling me to stop. I can spend time on hobbies and the only person I need to spend quality time with is my son. I get to relax and go straight to sleep when I get home, since I have no “obligations” to a “husband”. I can get all fat and ugly and the man in my life won’t mind (oh my Lex loves pinching my flabs hahaha!). I can design my future this way, and change my mind tomorrow, and there is no problem. I can move anywhere in the world without worrying about leaving someone behind.

The blessings of being single. Of being in control.

Dear God,

zahflo

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PS. I know that you guys know I can afford to buy my own books, but I am very sentimental, so please give me a copy of Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul for my birthday. Hehe. (I know it’s still in September, but who said you have to wait?)

My hand hurts. I wrote down the things Idon’t like in a relationship, and opposite that, the things I do like. i listed down a looot of things that my left hand hurt. Let me give you a sampling of what’s in my list.

I don’t like that he is materialistic and puts social status on top of his priority list.
I do like that he believes that character matters more than reputation.

I don’t like that he is narrow-minded and does not listen to what i have to say.
I do like that he is open minded and listens to what I have to say even if he does not agree with it.

I don’t like that he does not communicate openly.
I do like that he communicates openly in a loving and kind manner.

That’s just three items, I think I listed down 50 already. Hehe… And with just those three, do you think that person exists? Wait, I think I need to put that on the list…

I don’t like that my lifetime partner does not exist.
I do like that my lifetime partner is in the process of finding his way to me.

So I’ve been reading some stuff to help me get out of this self-pity party I’ve been into for the past several months. And one of the first things I have to do is list down what I do not like in all aspects of my life. Which, by the way, will take some time because that will be a loong list.

But the challenging part is this: to place on the opposite side of what I do not want – the things I do want. How do i want it to be.

We often complain about things we don’t like- the bad things about the food, the job, the stress, the relationships – the list goes on. and most times, we get stuck with that thought. It drains out our energy.

I’ll do this exercise and see what I’ll come up with. Maybe I’ll share some of them as it progresses.

While I do that, why don’t you do the same? Ask yourself – “If I do not want / like this, then what DO I want?”

nothing happens by chance. I’ve heard and read that line, in different ways, over and over. And this time, I believe it even more.

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been in touch with my team. I haven’t attended Taekwondo sessions. I haven’t talked to friends. I have been too “sheltered” and I got a lot of things on my mind that a week would pass, and I haven’t done anything THAT relevant. All I did was think. The end.

Earlier this week, I was thinking of some things (again), and how I’ve been psyching myself about “I think I deserve better, but I’m like this and like that… so I guess I don’t. But I do, but then I don’t…” I know it sounds like I’m going crazy. But anyway, I remember a movie scene where one character says “you can’t give what you don’t have”, and somehow, like an angel whispered, I thought of a line, which is – you cannot receive what you are not willing to accept. Which also means – things won’t happen unless you allow it.

So I had that thought in my mind, and I was thinking (that word again) about how my self talk has been affecting my life. I’ve read a lot of books and listened to a lot of people say that negative self talk is VERY dangerous. And I know, I feel that it is. I’ve been WANTING things to happen, and they don’t, because I always say – it can’t happen, I don’t deserve it. my bad.

Today, I’m glad I went to our monthly function with my team. It has been a non-negotiable commitment that I made, that no matter how unproductive I’ve been, I will join the team during functions. So I went, and saw my coach’s new book. Then I started telling him about my earlier thoughts and that line about allowing things to happen. Then his face lit up and he showed me a small card. Turned out that the days I wasn’t in touch, they have been with our Malaysian mentors, and this couple has been telling them about how books and motivational materials have been telling people to visualize what they want, and to affirm to themselves that they can have it. But the last step is missing. That is, to ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN. (they got that lesson from a book)

I was overwhelmed. It’s like, wow, do we have some sort of connection or what? But I know that it did not happen by chance. As they say, everything you need, are already here. God does not make fun of us – He provides us with exactly what we need at the right time. And at this time, that message is exactly what I need. And today, I am again reminded: the time is now.

I used to put on my cellphone “You CAN”. But I already know that. I know I can. I need to change that to “I will”.

a thought just popped in my head and I know I just had to write it NOW.

The past few days (or weeks, or months?) I have been thinking about (not) having a relationship, and how much I’m getting frustrated and impatient about it. On my most recent post, I wrote about feeling hopeless, and finding comfort from people who felt the same, but later “found” the right one for them.

Then I think about the people I know who married in their late 30’s or 40’s, and those who were married but separated later on, and only recently settled down with someone new after years of being single parents.

And I wonder at what stage in my life will I be “united” with that someone special.

then the thought popped in my head: life is like a marathon, not a race. You don’t have to be first, you don’t have to be ahead of everyone else. So if all your classmates and friends have gotten married, or have found their vocation, or have purchased their first house – do not despair. You still have a chance to make things right – fix your finances, find your dreams, pursue the things you’ve put off for a while, meet friends old and new, explore the possibilities…

And last weekend, a new possibility was revealed to me, a new door opened. I have always said that I will never leave, because of personal, patriotic reasons. But perspective changes. And I do want to create options for my family.

I’m overwhelmed at the opportunities that are coming. I should – I will take it. I’ll be 30 in a few months and who knows how long I still have.

Life is not a race, because no one wants to be first in the finish line – which is death.