while I'm waiting…

Lex had a blast at Active Fun, SM North Edsa branch. I was glad to be invited to a mommy blogger’s invitational event (yes it was for free) to go and enjoy a few hours at Active Fun, a play area for kids wherein you can leave them while the adults take their time shopping. Of course, one adult should stay to supervise the kids, although Active Fun has its own staff that watches over the kids, and are positioned in spots within the play area to make sure the kids are safe at all times.

There is a big slide, a pool of balls, and several other play things for different age groups. There is also a party area where kids can hold their birthday parties. Active Fun offers birthday party packages, much like the ones available in fast food chains, except that aside from the party, the kids have a chance to use the play area.

Anyway, here are photos taken by fellow mom blogger, Chats, since I didn’t have a camera that time.

Lex poses for a second (thanks Chats for taking the shot!)

After that fun time, Lex had dinner in Jollibee and I had to carry him when we walked the sky garden of SM North. That was a long walk, and it was past 9pm, so I had to carry Lex since he was exhausted. Good thing I ate that banana! Haha!

Hopefully we get to go on the next invitational (it’s pretty impractical for us to travel from Marikina to SM North just to play there). Well, I will keep my radars up for the next mommy bloggers event! I’m back in the circuit! Yey!

Cess, Lisa, Julie, Lynn (thanks for the photo, Lynn!)

I was with these mom bloggers that Friday night:
Chats aka imom
Teacher Julie
Cess
Cookie
Lynn
Feng (on blog leave hehe)

Thanks to Apple, the branch owner of Active Fun SM North, for having us there!

Check out the Active Fun website to see what’s in store for parents and kids on Active Fun’s first anniversary!

fun!

The past weeks, Lex has been very VERY naughty, to the brink of being bad. since his 11 year old cousin moved in with us, Lex’s behavior has changed drastically. And I can say it is a big challenge for me as a mom.

My nephew needs some attention from my Mama since he does not have good study habits, and we found out from his teacher that he has been showing some weird behavior in school (more of a manifestation of his emotional pains as a kid, I guess) and my Mama decided that it is best to pay close attention to him. So Mama does what she has always done best when we were kids – she tutors my nephew among other “mommy” chores that she does for all of us at home.

So here comes Lex, who has been so used to all the attention, and he bullies his cousin to no end. Imagine Lex taking his cousin’s slippers and hiding them so his cousin goes barefoot. Then Lex takes his cousin’s glass of water and gulps it down, then runs and laughs out loud. He refuses to share his toys. He even refuses to let the maid cook hotdog for his cousin, because for the longest time, the hotdog has always been solely for Lex.

At first, we just tell his cousin to be patient, since Lex is way younger. But everyday, the two of them would play, then fight, then one of them gets hurt, and when no one is looking, Lex’s cousin becomes impatient and has hurt Lex a few times. Of course, it must have been provoked. So Mama separates them as much as possible.

This week, I took a sick leave and stayed home for 2 days. Lex threw several tantrums and it didn’t even involve his cousin. That’s when I realized that he has really changed. It’s like he wanted to make us really mad all the time! Since I was at home, Mama just sat back and let me take control. At first, I got soooo annoyed, so I raised my voice. No impact. Next, I slapped his butt with my hands. No impact. The “dog threat” works all the time, but it only causes Lex to scream louder. (the “dog threat” – I threaten to I carry him out to the dalmatian who is always barking at him) What works best is when I carry him to the room (sometimes I have to pull him while he’s lying on the floor and screaming – an ugly sight), I let him sit on his chair to cool off. Believe me, it takes a lot of self control to avoid hitting him back (yes, he hits me with those little hands of his, masakit ah!). I imagine all kinds of punishments for him – which can possibly get me to jail – so I just imagine and let it pass… What ultimately works for Lex is the silent treatment and the sharp, killer stare. It’s funny when you get to see us stare at each other, arms folded. Like we’re waiting for a face off. Hehe. When he stops screaming, that’s when i talk to him. I let him look straight into my eyes and tell him how he should behave. When he starts acting up again, I raise my voice and point a finger. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to do. But I have avoided physical punishments as much as I can.

Yesterday, it was a first. Lex was soooo angry that he threw his toys everywhere because i wouldn’t let him sit on MY chair. I mean come on, there are a lot of other chairs, why snatch my chair? So I got fed up, I gave him my chair and took another chair. Accidentally, the chair hit his Lego robot, and he used that as a reason to get really mad. So he picked up what remained of the robot, and threw it at the wall. Which of course irked me, and I gave him the stare. No impact. I picked up the Lego pieces and told him I’d get rid of it. He screamed “NO!!!”, picked up the pieces himself, and threw them everywhere. Some hit me, some didn’t. I got so upset, I carried him to the room and after a few minutes, he calmed down. But as he sat down he closed his fists and screamed, making his whole head turn red. It’s like he wanted to hit me but was holding back. It was… alarming. but he sat down and I turned on the fan (he was all sweaty) and left the room. Then the screams got louder. After a few minutes, I peeped into the room and found him sleeping on the bed. It was around past 5pm, and he slept through the night.

Anyway, I cannot even imagine how I would have to deal with his outbursts when he gets older. My brother was not at home so no one could really “control” him. Although I was able to calm him down this time, well, for how long? When he’s taller than me already, he can just run away and I can’t carry him to the room anymore. Sigh. It is during these times that I wonder how it would have been if his father was around. Will his commanding voice be enough?

But then what is the use of wondering “what if”.

My son is five years old. Getting older by the day, and I have no other choice but to grow with him. since none of us behaved like that as kids, my Mama doesn’t know how to deal with it as well. So it’s another surprise practical exam from God. I hope I get passing grades.

Lex has been watching the Disney Channel on cable TV since he was 2 years old. It was a good way to distract him and keep him from moving around too much. Since my mother takes care of him and the rest of the household chores when I am not around, letting him watch TV made it convenient for her.

Then the maid had to take a vacation that lasted 4 months. by that time, Lex was barely 4 years old and is really active. So the only way my mother can do some house work done is if she let Lex watch TV for hours. We know it wasn’t ideal, but it was the best option at that time.

Then we noticed the change. At home, we speak Tagalog, the primary Filipino dialect. So we were amazed that Lex has started to speak in English – with the accent! We do speak to him in English, just so he becomes bilingual and it will be easier for him to adjust in school. But we never talk to him in an American or British accent.

So now, we just let him watch cartoons since school has not started yet. We just make sure he watches kid-friendly shows. And wow, I am so amazed at the kind of words he uses on a daily basis. I even learn new ways of saying things in English (I tend to translate literally, and sometimes it sounds weird). And I learned how to speak to him with an accent as well, just so he doesn’t get confused.

I already have 4 years worth of blog posts and since 2006, a lot of things changed about my situation. I can say, like any other pains in life, the first year was the worst. I had to deal with a lot of pain since my son’s father has decided to move on without us. the worst thing was the rumors. I have known him since we were 12, so I felt really betrayed that the people in our hometown had the nerve to judge me and spread rumors that could ruin my family’s reputation. anyway, after a lot of drama, the father and I are now in speaking terms. He has signed the paper works and is now taking part in his son’s life. So far, he considers me his friend like nothing changed since we were in high school. And I treat him just like any other classmate. We have both moved on with our lives, and even if sometimes I get disappointed with the way he treats his role as a father, I just go on with my life as a single parent, praying that this unconventional set up will not hinder my son from becoming a good person.

So while the father and I remain unmarried, we have not decided to get back together. Rather, we both have agreed to be parents to our son and remain friends for his sake. So the father calls once in a while, maybe to catch up after totally ignoring his son for 2 years. He tells me about borrowing our son on vacations, and while that seems like a good idea, I doubt whether he will follow through.

And that is the real deal.

Lex went to summer school today. The pre-school in the neighborhood (same street) is offering a two-week summer program, and we decided to let Lex try it and see from there whether he is ready for school.

Today, Lex woke up early. It was raining, so I didn’t notice the time (rain in the summer!). He was excited. But by the time he is about to enter his classroom, he didn’t want to go anymore. So Mama went inside with him, and she managed to sneak out when he wasn’t looking. I went to work and got a call from Mama by 10AM. Lex enjoyed the class. And he will go back tomorrow.

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It’s probably coincidence, but it always rains on the first day of school. at least it happened to me, several times. I associate the rain to the first day of school – the day I have to meet new people, again. See, I moved three times, and it was always during the opening of the school year. So I have always associated the rain, first day of school to being lonely. I have this weird gloomy feeling when it rains. I guess the times that I moved, have imprinted a negative feeling inside me.

Today, when I woke up, and Lex said “go to school!”, I felt that gloomy-lonely-achy feeling again. This time, I guess it’s that feeling of having to let go of Lex. I know this is super corny, and too early, but if you’re a parent, you’d somehow relate. I mean, it was just like yesterday that Lex was just a baby. And now, he’s going to school! Sigh.

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I have decided to send Lex to a regular school until he learns how to read. We can start with a homeschool curicullum later on.

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I texted Lex’s father about the school thing. No response yet. I’m sure his eyes will pop out when he sees how much the kindergarten program for the coming school year will cost. A whooping P 37,000 ++ (840 USD)for the whole school year. Yup, that’s for a two hours a day class. Books, school things, uniforms are included. But still. That’s just two hours a day, with homework! But then again, the money part is supposed to be the father’s problem, not mine. Hmp! (hehe)

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I’m just glad my Mama is here for us. I would not know what to do if it’s just me and Lex.

Can you believe that I subscribed for weekly emails from a personal development site for fathers? There is a counterpart site for mothers and wives, but I opted to be part of the fathers’ mailing list.

Most of you already know why – because I’m a single parent and I can’t just be a mother, but I have to be the father as well, since Lex’s father is not doing his job. Of course he always makes an excuse, that he’s a soldier so he doesn’t have the time, blah blah blah. So while I am assuming that he spent a lot of time with his family and his girlfriend, he couldn’t find time for his son.

So while I feel irritated wiht all those excuses, I prefer to not dwell on that anymore (since I’m not the one who’s missing out) and just move forward and do something that is within my control.

So today, I got an email from The Dash Guy, and he talked about Dads having the initiative to help their kids plan their education. And this is one of my urgent concerns. Lex will be turning 5 this July, and the school year starts in June. And I still don’t know what to do. I have already told my Mama that I’m leaning towards homeschooling, but I still haven’t decided which homeschool provider to sign up with. Or whether I should just enroll Lex to that new neighborhood preschool that opened last year. See, Lex’s father promised (in writing) that he will pay for Lex’s education until he turns 21. So. Another concern. We haven’t discussed it yet. Although ultimately, I still have the final say, but since I’m a very kind, considerate person (to my disadvantage most times), I do want his opinion first, since he will be giving the money anyway (I really hope so).

But if my idea is to just have him homeschooled and to enroll him in the Taekwondo kids’ class. A lot of my acquaintances think I’m “sheltering” my son too much. Well, literally, yes. I just can’t bear the thought of having another kid stick a pencil in Lex’s eyes. I would probably strangle that kid if that happens. Plus if I pick a fight with parents, I would not have a tough guy with me (tho my brother can do that, but he’d probably strangle the parents too heheheh). Anyway, after al those theories and the belief that I have things under control, I dtill have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.

Looking back in my childhood, my Papa wasn’t that involved in my life either, although I do remember having that drive to be the best in class so my father would be proud of me. And he was. He still is. He would call me his “princess” and when he’s drunk, he would brag to his drinking buddies that his daughter is an engineer just like him. It would just make me think, I wish he was there when I needed help in my engineering subjects, especially the structural eng’g subjects! (he’s a civil engineer so that’s his forte) I wonder…

And now I wonder, whether Lex will wonder about the same thing in the future. I mean, I could write as good as his father. I could do public speaking as well. but I don’t know how to do a necktie, or tie combat boots, or shoot a gun. I can’t ride motorcycles and I can’t drive a car, much less change a tire or the car’s oil. I have no idea how to hunt, cross rivers and I can’t open a bottle of beer using a spoon. I mean, who does all those things? His father does. I don’t. And I would really hate to hear Lex say, “I wish my father was here…”, when in fact, I am there. I am a dad. I am. I should be. Who else would be?

A recent conversation with someone rocked my boat for a while. I have always thought (believed) that my being a single parent is not a basis of my worth as a person, and that my son can grow up normally despite the absence of a father. His biological father is alive and well, but he is not taking full responsibility. A few thousand pesos a month sums up his being a father, and maybe, someday, he will be proud of himself for “providing” something to his son other than half my son’s DNA. Anyway, despite the disappointment, I do try to be patient with the father, and I keep praying that he get married soon and have lots of kids with his wife just so he would know how it really feels to be a parent.

See, I still feel this resentment towards the father of my son because HE decided to leave, and forced me to become a single parent. It’s different from women choosing to be single moms. I did not choose this, it was dumped on my shoulders, along with the humiliation that comes with the status. And until now, even if I say I have forgiven him, I still feel bad on why I should be the only one that is responsible for everything. We were supposed to discuss Lex’s education, and until now, he still “does not have time because he’s too busy”.

So, setting aside the (non) father, I was comfortable with the thought that “mommy is enough”. Then that disturbing conversation made me think hard and question myself:
- am I really enough for my son?
- will he have a solid future with just me?
- should I “provide” a father for my son?

Then I started doubting myself:
- am I really a person worth loving?
- is my single parent status preventing me to make the most out of my life?
- do men avoid being good friends with me for the fear of leading me on, and for the fear that I might take advantage of them?
- is it better if I stay away from guys to avoid being judged?
- should I stay single by choice, even if someone does come along, just to prove to people that I am independent and I do not need somebody else’s help to raise my child?
- do I really have to prove anything to anyone?

I cried the entire night because I felt so worthless, and I feared for my son. I looked up the net for resources on “fatherless children” and all I got were statistics that said “fatherless children are more likely to do drugs, alcohol, criminal acts, etc. etc.” Studies showed that single parent households produced children that eventually became society’s problem. How would you expect me to feel? I thought to myself, why hadn’t I aborted that baby before? I simply felt bad. I thought I was over this.

So I continued looking, and found an article written by a successful man who grew up fatherless. And it was a good thing I came across that site. It assured me that it is not bad for single parents to remain single while raising children. And that not having a father is not at all basis for a child’s criminal behavior in the future.

I have always made friends with guys in the past, but now, I seemed to have developed an interest in getting to know men who have lost their fathers either through death, separation or were simply abandoned while they were young. My reason? I want to know their thoughts, see their hearts and understand them, so I know how to deal with my son when he grows older. There is one particular person I would like to get to know more, because he was raised by a single mother, and he is now very successful. But I don’t know how to do that yet, so maybe I’ll go through blogs while I muster the courage to talk to this person.

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I still feel a bit upset about my situation (gosh I have to deal with this my entire life!), but I guess it’s a good thing for me to be figuratively slapped on the face once in a while. the world is cruel, and single moms like me should stay in their place, and that is with their children, and not out there looking for replacement fathers. As my good friend Bri commented earlier, if someone wants to be part of my life, then he would have to find a way. I do not want to sound desperate, but I do hope he doesn’t get lost.

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and before my son gets upset (someday he might read this blog), that abortion thing crossed my mind, but I know that I would never have the guts to do it. I know that single parents like me will eventually be forgiven and accepted by society, but abortionists will be haunted by that one mistake forever. So Lex, don’t worry. I love you. you are my precious jewel.

My son will be turning five this year, and I will be 30. Fast forward – he will be 10 and I, 35. Super fast forward – he will be 20, and I, 45. I wonder how our lives will be then?

Since Lex turned 6 months old, we were “on our own”. And I picked up the pieces of my broken dreams and tried to plan our lives as just me and Lex, and my Mama. See, my Mama came back to live with me when I became a single parent.

But I know that my Mama will have to live her own life too, and eventually, it will be just me and Lex. Sometimes, I hope for that special someone to come in our lives and have a complete family so Lex will not have to go through a difficult childhood. But most times, when I hear horror stories of marriages breaking and children being abused by step parents, I become thankful of my status and I sort of psych myself that I should never – ever get married. And of course, I should not make the same irresponsible mistake of getting pregnant again.

So how has it been for me as a single parent? I get the best of both worlds, I guess. I get to spend time with my son, and I don’t have to “share” him with in-laws. Ahh, and the best part – no in-laws to deal with. No one to judge me that I’m a worthless mother. No one to tell my son that “your mom isn’t taking care of you, see, you’re sick again!”. No one to tell me how to discipline my son, where to send him to school, what clothes to buy for him. And most of all, no one to judge me for not working hard enough to buy my son toys and fancy stuff. (If I have in-laws like that, I’ll make sure their son is terrorized the same way by my parents, hmp!)

I get to go out with friends, I get to choose what hobbies to pursue. And no one tells me not to go with such and such because he is getting jealous. Haha!

The downside – people judge me. Sure they say “oh, I admire you for your strength”, “oh you are so strong”, etc. etc. Well, I do appreciate those, if they mean to encourage me. But I know that people, men in particular, look down on my status because I am a single parent. And if you are a guy, you know that you do not want to date someone like me. Someone who could become financially dependent on you, someone who could be passing on the responsibility to you, someone who have issues from the past that you have to deal with too. And that’s what keeps me from trusting people. Because I know they are trying to be kind and polite, but I also know that one little mistake and I’m done. I would be that single mom who messed up. And I would have to worry about my son, that he will have to grow up and find out how miserable I am.

But am I really miserable? Will I be dependent on a man to raise my son? Will I marry for money? Most women do. Maybe I can. But I’d rather not. Because simply, I wasn’t raised that way.

Single parenthood has taught me to be strong, to stand up for myself, and to redeem my self worth by fighting. I still need to learn how not to cry, but I hope the time will come when I can face “them” and I don’t have to feel weak and worthless anymore.

Single parenthood has taught me to be more compassionate and considerate of others. It has also taught me to not depend on others for everything. I know I do need help, but there are responsibilities that are non-negotiable and non-transferable, one of which is raising my son.

Single parenthood has taught me to find ways to make sure we don’t just get by, but that we can have a real future to look forward to. I have learned not to depend on other people’s decisions, to wait for help to come. I have learned that it is the simple joys of having a child that makes all the pain so worth it.

While I have all the personal insecurities, I also fear for my son. I have met people who grew up without a father and they claim that life would have been better for them if their father was around. I have met one very successful person who I assume grew up without a father, but I have yet to know if his success is for real, or just a facade. I do hope it is for real, and that he does not feel incomplete. Then maybe, just maybe, it is possible for Lex to grow up with just his mother, and not have that gaping hole in his heart.

Well, just for your info, Lex’s dad is still alive (sometimes I hope not for long – I know – BAD!), but just like the others out there, he lives conveniently knowing that his son is taken cared of, and that I am capable of raising him without help. He does give “support”, if you can call an amount half my monthly tax as one. But anyway, it is hard to force a man to give what he is not willing to, so fine. Single parenthood has taught me to accept whatever “blessing” came my way, and that includes that monthly “allowance” for Lex.

So after too much ranting, I know in the end I have to be thankful for having a very convenient life of not having to answer for anyone but my God, my Mama and my son. And they all love me much much more than I deserve.

Sabi nila, ang mga tao na dumarating sa buhay natin ay may panahon – kung kelan darating at kung kelan aalis. Ang iba, di nama talaga umaalis, pero parang ganun na rin, nawawala sila at pakiramdam mo, nag iisa ka na lang.

Pinag iisipan ko kung dapat pa ba na mag paalam ako, o dapat palipasin ko na lang ang panahon na di sya kinakausap, hanggang sa masanay na ako. Hmm. Tutal, kapag nasa malayo ang isang kaibigan, madali na silang kalimutan, kung may mga kaibigan naman ako dito.

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Nakausap ko ang isang lalaki na matagal ko na rin naging kaibigan. Hindi sya Pilipino, at sa isang madibdibang diskusyon, kinwento nya sa akin na minsan, natatakot sya na baka raw gusto ko syang pakasalan para makarating ako sa kanyang bansa, tulad ng maraming Pilipina doon. Nagpaliwanag naman sya na alam nyang hindi ako ganun, pero dahil sa ako ay dalagang ina at ako’y bata pa, malaki ang probability na ganun na rin yun. Syempre uminit ang ulo ko, dahil umpisa pa lang, sinabi ko na sa kanya na nakikipag kaibigan lamang ako at kung anuman ang mangyari, ay di yun dahil sa interesado ako sa pag migrate. Hayy! Naloka ako. Naisip ko na sadyang ganun na ang imahe ng mga Pilipina, na kahit disenteng tao ka, at di ka naman interesado sa mga ganung benepisyo, eh pag-iisipan ka pa rin ng masama.

Sa inis ko, sinabi ko sa kanya na kung di lang sa pagiging makabayan ko, dapat matagal na akong naninirahan sa bansa nila bilang isang propesyonal. Hmp. Sya nga di pa nakatapos ng kolehiyo eh. Hmp! Pero ayun, nagpaliwanag sya na hindi ganun ang tingin nya sa akin, at ang kanyang takot ay para ring takot sa multo – walang basehan.

Di ko alam kung ano pa dapat ang isipin ko, pero sa aming pag uusap, napag tanto ko na kahit sino at kahit saan pa, iisa lang ang iniiisip ng mga lalaki – na ang tulad kong dalagang ina ay hindi karapat dapat sa kanila.

Nadagdagan nanaman tuloy ang mababang tingin ko sa aking sarili. Nakakainis. Minsan gusto kong magalit sa anak ko – kasi naman bakit pa sya dumating. Pero syempre binabawi ko naman agad yun at humihingi ako ng tawad sa Dyos.

Nakakainis lang na isiping pagkatapos kong umasa na siguro di naman lahat ng lalaki mababa ang tingin sa mga tulad ko – eh napatunayan kong hindi totoo yun. Sabagay, kapag binata na ang anak ko, gugustuhin ko ba naman ng manugang na disgrasyada? Syempre hindi! Ayoko nga mag asawa ang anak ko eh. Sana mag pari na lang sya.

Pero sa totoo lang, nakakasawa na rin magpanggap na ok lang ako. di naman talaga ako desperado, pero nakakalungkot lang din na mapag isipan ka na naghahanap ka lang ng mapapangasawa kasi kelangan mo ng tutulong at mag papaaral ng anak mo. Kainis.

Naisip ko tuloy, siguro nga, mas mabuti na talagang tigilan ko na ang pagiilusyon na may darating pa. Alam ko na naman ang reaksyon ng mga tao pag nangyari yun. Nakita ko na ang lahat nang iyon sa aking kapatid na nag asawa ng babaeng may anak na. Tinanggap naman namin sila, pero iba pa rin kapag sabi nila ay “walang bagahe”.

Kaya pala may mga dalagang ina na kahit gano kaganda, gano kayaman, gano kabuti, di na nag aasawa. Kasi lahat ng pinaghirapan nila, hindi rin pahahalagahan, dahil sa kanilang (aming) estado.

Sige, tatanggapin ko na. Tutal, nakarami na ako ng nobyo. Pwede na yun. Haha. Mas masaya namang kasama ang aking anak. At pag makulit sya, pwede kong paluin, takutin at paiyakin. At di nya ko iiwan. Sana.

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Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko pa ring kausapin ang aking naging kaibigan na iyon. Sa tinagal tagal na magkakilala kami, sinubukan ko talagang gawing maayos ang pakikitungo sa kanya para maayos naman kahit papano ang imahe ng mga Pilipina sa paningin ng mga taga ibang bansa. Pero sadyang ganun, mahirap nga sigurong baguhin ang nakasanayan na. At sanay na tayong maliitin nila. Nakakalungkot lang.